What is Christmas?

Christmas Morning 2011

What is Christmas?? For me Christmas is getting to spend time with three little girls that grew into three fine young ladies, but it happened so fast looking back now. It’s now having four little sets of eyes watch every move Pawpaw makes and doing crazy things to make them laugh. It’s setting aside one day each week to take Gage to McDonalds before going to school. It’s sitting with Noah and coloring and have him tell me ‘Pawpaw you’re coloring good’. It is little McKenna crawling up in my lap wanting me to read her a book. It is little Charlie smiling at me when I talk to and watching his big blue eyes light up. Christmas for me isn’t just December 25; no this is just one day out of 365 that I call Christmas… it’s just on this day I realize need to really thank God more than I do for my gifts and they are truly that, gifts.


What is Christmas?? Well it has taken me what feels like many years to figure it out, but for me Christmas is being with those that you love and watching how they grow each day.


Merry Christmas to ALL…



A Day -- A New Life

If you want your life to be a magnificent story, then begin by realizing that you are the author and everyday you have the opportunity to write a new page. ~ Mark Houlahan



This past Friday morning this butterfly emerged from its cocoon. Its wings still wet and unable to fly I crawled up this stick and I used the sunrise as the backdrop to something special… a new life beginning.


Some would say, ‘it’s just a butterfly… so what’… I see it as much more than JUST a butterfly. There’s a lot more to this butterfly. This is my way of showing my grandson nature and just how pretty it is and just how fragile it can be. I feel if I can show them the small things in nature at an early age they too will learn to respect and look for the beauty in the simple things. Simple things may lead to complex things… who knows what they may do just because I took time to show them the little things in life.


I like to think of myself as an artist and the camera is my brush and nature is my subject. When I watch the sunrise and see more than just the sun breaking over the eastern sky… I know I’m watching something that will never be seen again and I try to but feeling into my work… I want others to feel the warm sun rays of on the foggy morning the way I did when I was shooting the picture.


I love to shoot pictures… there’s no other way to put it. It doesn’t matter if it’s a bride, birds, landscape or a bunch of dead flowers… I feel there’s beauty there and I’ve got to show it. I know most may not see what I saw, but that’s what makes it so unique; I’m looking for that one person that can say with all their heart … ‘I like it’. If everyone liked it, that would be good, but a lot to times that’s not what I’m going for.


Maybe someday I’ll hit it big and make name for my work… even then I’m going to keep on doing what I enjoy and do it the way I enjoy it… breaking a few rules here and there keeps the art alive… well to me it’s art to others it may only be a picture… when I think of a ‘picture’ I think of something not planed just a fast reaction of something you see. My sunrises I can’t plan ahead, but once I get there and see what I’ve got to work with I WORK with it. I’m always looking for that one little special thing that will make it stand out…


I just hope when you look at my work, you can see something other than just a picture... I hope you can see the handy work of God in it… I just shoot what He has allow me to see and I need to thank Him more than I do for letting me see the things I do in the way I do.


This is me and what I truly like in life. Like I’ve said before … if I’ve got a camera in my hand, I’m a pretty happy person.

Mom

A smile can brighten the darkest day. ~Author Unknown




Mom has been living through some very dark days these past months since Dad passed away. When I call her I can hear the pain even thro she tries so hard to put up good front I can feel the pain.

This past weekend the girls got together and we went to spend the weekend with her. I’m talking about 3 grand girls, 4 great grandkids, and me all in a very small house, but the look on Moms face when we drove up was worth all the money in the world. She was smiling from ear to ear something that I haven’t seen in a long time and I do understand. To see her smile like that… to be happy it just made my day.

I called her yesterday afternoon, like always, and she was still glowing and sounded so happy. She told me that for the first time she was able to sit down and sew. Prior days she just couldn’t stay in the house she would always find something to do outside. I know the feeling the silence can just be too much at times.


It hurts me to walk in the house and not see Dad in his chair so I can only imagine how Mom has to feel being there 24x7. Will it ever get easier? I’m not sure. I’m just thankful for the 55 years I had my Dad and what he and Mom did for me.

It’s amazing what a bunch of kids can do for you… and I’ve got to add this.. I’m so proud of my girls. Even thro they are mine and I may be a little one sided… I think they are the best in the world. Love you Melissa, Lauren, and Mary.

Switch Flipped

I remember long ago I would watch shows where the bad people would put people in a trance and while they were under they would give them a trigger word that would set there evil plan into motion. Well that was long ago and it really may be going on today, but today something set my trigger.

I was feeling so good this afternoon and then I went for ride looking for something to shoot pictures of. I’ve got a set path I go and most times I see some kind of bird or something to shoot. When I got to the boat docks and pier I was ok. All that I could find was little crabs… so I shot a few pictures.  The light where they hiding wasn’t the best, but I gave it a try.

When I started to leave it was like someone flipped a switch. All of a sudden all I could feel was emptiness. It’s the worse feeling in the world and I don’t have a clue what caused. It’s strange how one minute you’re feeling great and the next you feel like you’re in the crapper. It’s not like the place has any special meaning… it’s just a place I’ve been several times in the past to shoot pictures. Maybe the screws that I have left are beginning to turn lose and little by little the nuts are coming off.

 Just hate ending what has been a good day on a note like this.

What Really Matter...

What we remember from childhood we remember forever - permanent ghosts, stamped, inked, imprinted, eternally seen. ~Cynthia Ozick




This morning there was a big dew and Gage likes to help me feed the birds before I carry him to school, it has gotten to be part of the morning for him now. Well this morning he tracked in the most grass and stuff and I almost said something to him, but I’m so glad I didn’t. It came to me that I can sweep up the trash and before long Gage will be to big to want to help feed the birds, but I think he’ll always remember the times he did help me. The days will fly by the floors will get dirty… who cares… I don’t…I’ll just clean them after I take him to school and tomorrow we’ll do it over again.

When the kids come to my house I don’t want them to feel like they have to walk on egg shells or be afraid if they spill something. There’s so much more to life than worrying about things like that. When they come to see me I want them to be little kids. I want to hear them laugh, scream, feel free to ask for things. I want them to know at Paw Paw’s house the number one rule is just don’t do anything that can get you hurt. This is the way my grandparents where and the memories I have. I can think of no better way to honor them than by trying to be like them.

Seven year olds don’t stay seven very long and I want to squeeze as many good times in as I can.

Bad Dreams...

A dream is a microscope through which we look at the hidden occurrences in our soul. ~Erich Fromm



Last night was one of those nights where every time I closed my eyes I had dreams. The dreams were of people saying mean and hateful things and then being rejected and tossed to the side.

 I guess with little Charlie being in the hospital and then tropical storm Lee coming in just had my mind in overdrive or maybe it’s something deeper that caused this. Maybe it was the idea of failing and being left to drift alone. 

Alone… there’s times we wish to be just by ourselves --- just to sit and think or sometimes just to sit and then there’s times we’re alone and it’s like the sound silence is so loud that it hurts our very being and then there’s times were with others yet we’re all alone. It’s hard for some to image how this feels and as hard as it is for them to understand it’s just has hard for me to try to explain so I just go with the flow… I never express how I feel most days… I just keep it all inside and every now and again when I have nights like last night I just have to come here and try to write it down so I can try to get it out. 

Beauty… things I see as beauty others may see as nothing more than a mere picture, but just remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder… and through my lens I try to see the beauty in everything.

This is why my dream troubles me so… it was so ugly, so vile, and even thro it was just a dream it made me think if others could really feel this way.

I’m trying to break out and learn to find what makes me feel good. Like this picture I shot this morning. Nothing makes me feel better than being able to capture things like this… it’s something at no one can copy… it is my picture and there will never be another like it. I know most want see the beauty in it, but for the few that do…

What is a Paw Paw?

"You're more trouble than the children are" is the greatest compliment a grandparent can receive. ~Gene Perret




A Paw Paw is a Dad that is given a second chance to spend time with the most precious things God could ever give us… our children and grandchildren. Back when the girls were small things were hard… money was short and it’s like all I did was work. It’s not that the girls ever wanted for anything, but I think in a way they may have missed something… me being there more and not worrying about so much how we were going to be able to afford the next box of diapers or if there was going to be enough to pay the light bill with…



To me now being Paw Paw means being able to spend time with my grandbabies and not worrying so much about those kinds of things. It means going to the mall and being able to help the girls buy things for the kids. It’s rocking little Charlie, showing little McKenna new things, Noah calling me just to say ‘Hey Paw Paw’ and Gage playing little jokes on Paw Paw before I take him to school. It’s hearing the girls laugh and talk and most of all it’s about me loving them and them loving me.
 If it had now been for my Mom and Dad times would have been a lot worse and I’ve never forgotten that and never will. I must say they were some of the best teachers I ever had.


Yes it’s a second chance to give of my time, of myself a chance to do all the little fun things all over again with my grandkids. Today was one of those days. I went shopping with the girls and I got to spend time holding Charlie and share my milkshake with McKenna. Little things that I took for granted when Lauren and Mary were little girls. Yes, God is good and I thank Him so much for giving me my 3 girls and now all my grandchildren. I do enjoy the noise on Sunday over here… the crying, the ‘Paw Paw I want to go outside’, and all the in between.

 I must say being Paw Paw is a good thing to be and I promise I want take the job lightly.

Happiness is...

Happiness is the feeling you'refeeling when you want to keep feeling it. ~Author Unknown

I had one of those feelings today for sure. Lauren and Charlie came over for lunch today and while Lauren ate Paw Paw rocked little Charlie and he smiled at me for the first time. Then there was little McKenna… while she was in her highchair I would talk to her and make a funny face at her and she would make a funny face back. She just makes my day when she holds her little arms out for me. It will be no time and they will be like Gage and Noah… all grown up and able to do things on their own and be to big for Paw Paw to rock anymore. So I’m going to treasure each second I have with them and rock them as much as I can and maybe someday when they have grandkids they will tell them about how I would take them in my arms and run around the yard after Gage and Noah. If they can remember but one thing about me I would hope it would be that I spent time with them and enjoyed every second of if. Time is the most important thing we can give our children.

Grandchildren

The world is as many times new as there are children in our lives. ~Robert Brault



I hope I haven’t used this quote before, but if I have it’s has even more truth to me than before.


Gage started the second grade this year and is going to a church run school. What all that has to do with this is that I’m taking him to school each morning. Melissa told me that he gets up and gets ready each morning looking forward to be coming to Paw Paw’s.


What makes Paw Paw’s so special? I don’t know, but I felt the same way many years ago. To me my Grandpa’s had all the answers and they were fun to be with. Oh what great memories I have and when I get to go home and I’m driving on some of the old back roads I think about things we talked about and did.


Where does the time go? Back then it was like time stood still in ways and now days my days fly by.


I just hope the memories Gage has of our time will carry on through his life as mine has.


The picture here was taken with him this morning and we talked about it, feeding the birds and other things. Being Paw Paw is so much fun.

Grief

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland
Each morning at 7am and again at 7pm I call my Mom and I’ve been doing this ever since Dad passed away. She looks forward to my call and each morning she wants to know if I have heard form the kids… and each morning I tell her no and that I take it as no news is good news and we laugh and we talk about our day ahead of us or at night what we did. Her days are spent in an empty house - -silent now days. Dad always like to have the TV on… he loved the old shows.


The other evening I was talking to her and it just broke my heart… she was telling me about her day doing around the house and then she told me that it had been a couple of days since she had been over to the cemetery… she said “I just had to go check on Charles Ray”… it took everything in me not to lose it… After being married for what would have been 62 years June 22 I guess that need is just something you can’t let go of. I know how I still hurt and I can’t even think how bad she has to hurt. Living there in the house and seeing him everywhere and nowhere now.


Dad would always get up early and have coffee made for Mom… little things like that…


This has been on my mind the past few days and I am hoping by writing about it, it will make me feel better.

Three Years of Writting

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown


Three years of writing as of today and at times I still wonder what’s it’s all about or what it’s all for then I have days like yesterday where I spend the day with my little granddaughter and my heart is lights up and for a second a ray of sun breaks through into my heart… That one single ray light is enough to help me understand that my life has meaning and that somehow things will be ok.


I got to thinking – what if we had a “re-boot button” or maybe a “Delete key” and all we had to do was push it and all the past would be no more… with a single click all would be gone… The more I thought about it the more I realized – there’s no way I could every do this.. the past and the future are almost one and the same… what would I do without my memories of the past – the good times and the hurting times… it’s these memories that make me who I am… I just wish there was a way I could get off the guilt train and walk down the sun lit path once again, but the train seems to go faster and faster… passing station after station and all I can do is stare out the window…


Three years and many posts later… what will next year this time bring?? I’m afraid to look down that road…


The picture today kinda said it all... empty but still chased by shadows  

It was a Sat also…..

Laughter In The Rain

Childhood is the most beautiful of all life's seasons. ~Author Unknown

Today I did something that I haven’t done in a long time. I played in the rain… One may say “so what” … well it was a big thing and I was playing with 2 of the most important people in the world to me. Little McKenna and I were chasing after Noah in the back yard. To hold little McKenna and to hear her laugh in your ear… it’s the closest thing this side of Heaven to Angels singing as for as I’m concerned and little Noah running as screaming only as a little boy can do. I must say I can’t remember when I’ve enjoyed a workout more.


I can’t think of anything that warms my heart more than when McKenna sees me and holds those little arms out to me. That’s a love like none other. I want my grandchildren to have memories like I have from my childhood. Going to see Granny and Grandpaw was always a big treat even thro I got to see them all the time. Grandpaw was always ready to so fun things with and take us to real fun places… No not to Disney World or even Walmart… we would go to old stores and he would tell us to get what ever kind of candy we wanted, or we would explore an old abandoned school, or we would just ride the old county back roads.

This is how I want to be remembered… as a Paw Paw that was fun and one that loved them and wasn’t afraid to let them know it. I hope someday they will sit and tell their grandkids about the adventures we had the places we went. If they can do that then I think my time here on Earth will have been well spent.

Today I enjoy listening to Melissa telling about the summers she spent with Mom and Dad and how much she enjoyed it. Each time I hear her telling those stories it makes me smile and it keeps Dad alive in my heart.
Childhood… it goes so fast – TO FAST

All God's angels come to us disguised. ~ James Russell Lowell

Yesterday I have to believe that this cloud was such an Angel. I was in my truck backing out of the drive-way and I saw this cloud and the sun shinning around it. What is so strange is the fact that for some reason I just had to get out and come back in and shoot this cloud. Maybe nothing would have happened if I had left on time like always, but just some little part just has to think… what if I had not taken the 5 minutes to shoot this picture? Maybe I’m more than a ½ bubble off center… hahaha…but sometimes things just happen and one just has to wonder why and maybe it’s nothing, but just what if it’s God sending us an Angel and it’s up to us to decide on how to act upon…



Maybe nothing would have happened if I had left yesterday if I had not taken time to shoot the picture, BUT we’ll never know for sure will we…

35 Years and Counting

July 12, 1976 was a Monday and I can almost remember every thing about it. I was twenty years old and never really been away from home and to come to Pascagoula was to say the least a very big thing. I had just taken a job at Singing River Hospital as a 3rd shift Computer Operator. Back then Computer Operators had to run the computer not just sit and watch a status board like today. Back then everything was on punch cards and it was our job to load the cards (data) into the big old slow machine to post charges, cash, payroll, and all that. Once the reports printed we had to walk them out to each department. There was none of this assigning the reports to a department printer and having it print there when finished… hahaha





It took a lot of hard work and being stabbed in the back many times, but after nine years trying to prove myself I was able to break into Programming and I never looked back. Now for over 25 years I’ve been writing reports and I must say I’ve enjoyed my job very much.


Now thirty-five years later --- I have 3 grown daughters, 3 grandsons, and 1 little princess and news of another one in February. I guess people could call me lucky, but the only lucky thing was I knew someone to that helped me get my foot in the door… it was my hard work and the willingness to go the extra mile that has gotten me to this 35 year pin.




I came to the hospital 35 years ago and didn’t know anyone--- today I can say I can’t go anywhere in the hospital without stopping to talk to a now “old” friend. Yes, God has been so good to me and I thank my Mom and Dad for being my role models for my work ethics and Jim Hatten for believing in me 35 years ago and walking out on that thin limb to help me get this job. Jim, I owe you big time.. and I thank you so much.

July 19, 2011 I received my 35 year pin from Singing River Health System and what made it for me was the fact that my little girl, Melissa was able to be there with me... I wish the Lauren and Mary could have been with me, but with 2 little ones Dad understands.. Melissa works at the hospital also.

Adventure-- Well you tell me

Middleton, WI
Sunset 07/13/2011

There’s no place like home… I got to spend almost a week in Middleton, WI last week. The weather was great and wish I would have had time to get out with my camera and just walk and shoot. I didn’t take my camera because I knew after being in class all day I would be dead tired and that was pretty much the case. The bike paths they had were great.. I wish we had the same down here and as much as possible the land was left to grow kinda wild-- the grasses and wildflowers along the paths. The trip was fun and nothing happened that would make a story… but when I got home--

 We got back in to Gulfport about 12 yesterday and to my surprise it had been raining. That was a very good thing. I had to rush home to be at Noah and Gage’s birthday party at 3:30 in Ocean Springs… No problem… so I unpacked and put my things in the washer so I could have them drying while I was at the party. Good idea.

Well when I got home I went to put something away in my bedroom and then I saw it… A SNAKE on the floor next to the wall… First thing that crossed my mind was OH NO… I’ve got to get Cody and Lucy out of here so maybe I can do something about this BIG problem. It didn't matter to me if it was a Black Mamba, King Corba, or just a Garter snake... I didn't care.. all I saw was a snake.. 


While getting them out I was looking for something to help make this snakes journey into the after life a easy trip.. if you get what I mean.. haha… when I got back there… well you know what I found.. NOTHING… he had eased off into hiding.. OH MY GOD… now I was dead tired now… I woke up at 2 Sat morning worrying the test I’ve got to take on the class and thinking about getting to the airport on time… so as you can image I was in NO mood for this… and to top it all off my air went out… I was hot and tired and was in no mood to play hide and seek with a snake. Jonathan came over to look at my air and I told him my little snake story… He helped me look under the bed, in the closet and around the room.. NOTHING… He told me just to keep the air down real low (laughing the whole time) … LOL… said I would ok… but when I asked if he would sleep in there he kinda said NO WAY… Son-in-laws… haha…


I was feeling better and had kinda made my mind up that everything would be ok.. but just to be safe I wanted a barrier around my bed… the bedroom has a tile floor thank God… so I came up with this idea… we had pulled the bed away from the wall so we could look all around.. so what I did was to get my pail and put pure bleach in it and mopped all around my bed… there wasn’t anything going to cross that line I promise… Well the bleach was so strong I had to let it dry and kinda air out before I could go to bed… I was sitting here on the computer reading Facebook updates and looking up how to get snakes out of your house. Did a lot of that….


Well Cody, my little dog, kept on wanting to go to bed… and I did also… I figured the smell had pretty much gone in the bedroom so I put him down and I saw something… OH YEAH.. my bleach done burned the old boys eyes also… I eased up and got Cody and Lucy to go outside.. all I needed was for them to see him and run him back into my room… Well when I got them out I got my good old Sears shovel… these are some good shovels … the handles must be very good OLD OAK… because I put it to the test.. I think I hid the snake so hard I busted my slab… hey at that point I didn’t care… If I could have gotten to my gun I would have shot him… but it was in the closet and I wasn’t going there… hahaha


Well let’s just say I got a good night’s sleep and I’m afraid there’s one less snake in the world today. The truth of it is – if I had seen him outside I would have never messed with him… but when he came into my house… OH NO… that was going just a bit to far for me….

Emptiness

We are always getting ready to live but never living.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

This one statement pretty much sums it up for me. I’m always making plans to do this and that-- yet the days turn into months then years and I’m still thinking about it.

I can’t explain it … it’s like a deep emptiness within me and each day it expands. I don’t mean to be so negative, but when I write it helps.


3:40pm -- update...
You never know what blessing God has for you or how it will come do ya???  Guess I worry to much about things I should not worry about... there's times I just let the emptiness over take me... I shouldn't let it... Yes God has been very good to me and I know it will all work out...  

Words Hurt

My Little Charlie is a month old today and I’m very happy to say he’s growing like a little weed I think. Lauren told me the doctor got on to her for holding him so much…. I never knew you could hold something you loved that much too much… He is loved very much by his Mom and Dad. I’m happy to say that all my grandkids are so loved and well taken care of.



Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. ~Horace


Words... (The term word may refer to a spoken word or to a written word, or sometimes to the abstract concept behind either. ~ Wikipedia) - what it doesn’t say is how “words” can hurt one. I was always taught if you can’t say something good – well then maybe it’s best to keep it to yourself. I don’t like being told how things should be done because of the fact that’s the way it was previously done …. We are our own person and we do what we feel is right within our own self. Others I’ve talked to don’t seem to have the problem or maybe they are nice enough to keep their feels to themselves. People that live in glass houses really shouldn’t be throwing rocks at others. I feel we all have a lot of glass around so what do I do it just take it and let if fester because I don’t want to hurt anyone. Yet, I hurt the most important person of all when I do this don’t I. What do I do? Well I try to forget, but for some reason my brain just loves to pick at that the scab on my heart… just like a when we were kids and we would get scraped knees… we knew if we picked at it, it was going to start hurting again, but what did we do??? Same way with my heart… it really made me feel bad to hear over and over had this wasn’t right and how it should be done. There are times I wish I could just disappear and leave all my worries and hurts behind, but this would mean leaving the things I love most, my children, and that’s never going to happen. All this just because someone couldn’t do what I was taught many years ago and that is if you can’t say something good… don’t say anything. It’s best at times to keep your ideas just to yourself.

It's just one of those days when you try to look forward and there's very limited opportunities if any… and I start to question myself… what’s it all about – what’s it all for? I’ve done everything I can and still I feel like I’m being left behind.  There are some things I never expect people to understand and maybe this is just one of them.  

 

What More Could I Ask For?

June 19, 2011 ~ Father’s Day

I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich. ~M*A*S*H, Colonel Potter

No truer words have ever been spoken… Friday I sent the day with Mary and McKenna, yesterday Gage was with me and today Melissa and the boys took me to eat that the Olive Garden. That’s where Gage wanted to take Paw Paw and that was just find with me. This afternoon I got to see Lauren and she told me all about Little Charlie. What more could a Dad ask for?


Having lost Dad in March I knew this was going to be a hard day for me, but I got to thinking of how Dad wouldn’t want me to be all down and upset. More than anything in the world he wanted us to be happy. All morning I did want to pick up the phone and call him as I always did… and he would tell all about the birds that had been coming to his feeder. It’s the little things that seem so insignificant that we remember the most. He did enjoy watching the birds and when I would talk to him he just love to tell me all the different kinds he was seeing. With this in mind this morning when I got up I went out the bayou and shot the sunrise and listened to the birds and remembered Dad…. The picture posted on this entry is from this shoot.


Moving forward… Have you ever read a book and without realizing it you were reading the words, but yet you were putting your own twist to the story? I’ve got to say I’m so guilty of this, but in life. I’ve got to read the story the way it is and not the way I think it should be. I just had to put this out there tonight… hoping I wasn’t the only person that those things like this.

Going to close tonight with a funny that wasn’t so funny at the time….

I kinda keep strange hours.. I tend to wake up around 3 or 4 each morning and most of the time there’s no going back to sleep… well this morning I did go back to sleep and had a crazy dream… In the dream I was going to shoot a wedding for my cousin… no problem… my friend Debbie, who I shoot wedding with all the time was there to shoot with me… Well I opened my camera bag and no camera… where does things like that come from… all I remember was thinking Oh S****!!! I wish I could just open my mind and let all the crazy stuff fly away… LOL

All and all it has been a great weekend… and I plan to go see little Charlie tomorrow so things are just going to get better.

Bigger Than Life

The human spirit needs places where nature has not been rearranged by the hand of man. ~Author Unknown


This is a follow-up from yesterday. Remember in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy, the Tin Man, Lion, and Scarecrow were all afraid of the great Oz and then Dorothy’s little dog, Toto, pulled the curtain back and exposed the Great Wizard of Oz. Well this is kinda what happened to me. I had this picture of something made up in my mind and then when I confronted it; to me it was like the curtain being pulled on the Wizard. I think sometimes it’s best to let the curtain stay closed and let the dream stay alive… for me when I saw behind the curtain, I was like Dorothy, but in her case she had nothing to fear from the Wizard… he was just a man who used smoke and mirrors to make himself bigger than life. As for me, it was me that had made this to be much larger than it was and now that idea is gone forever.

Sometimes our lives are like this vine....

Disillusion

I guess one could say I tend to live in a fantasy world or maybe a world of dreams may be a better way to put it.  I’ll be the first to step up and tell anyone and every one that I’ve got so much to be thankful for.  Little Charlie is doing well and I hope he will be home soon.  It’s my take on me and how I feel about me.  I hate it, but I can feel myself sliding right back into my dark room again and it’s not my “darkroom”.  The room I’m talking about is one that just sucks the energy out of you.  I think this goes hand and hand with the dreams I dream -- only to watch the seconds tick by and along with the minutes so goes my dreams.   You think one thing and look so forward to it and then it’s nothing it was all just an illusion of sorts.  I just feel like I’m second string in everything only getting to bat when there’s no chance for a win so they let me in just to try and make me feel better.  I was telling myself I wasn’t going to write things like this anymore, but it’s my only outlet…      

My Unseen Path

The past few weeks my path has been anything but smooth. I think of my love ones and all the pain and hurt rushes back and my heart is torn apart once again. Maybe I should find another way to try to deal with my hurt, but photography is the only outlet I know and with the use of old pictures I’ve done and ones I’ve scanned I sit here and work hours on end to put my feelings into a slideshow. It’s all I know what to do and in a strange way it helps me re-connect with what I’ve lost. What’s so funny about it, I’ll probably be the only person to every sit and watch them and this weekend I’ve watched the newest one a lot. No matter what I do I can’t get over the feeling I’m having and just feeling empty.

I’ve started to question what kind of Dad was I -- what kind of Dad am I? More than anything I want my girls to know that I love them so much and all I’ve ever wanted was only the best for them… and yes even Dad’s hurt at times and there’s nothing that can be done. Sometimes Dad’s hurt with a hurt that there’s no words to describe other than just to say my heart is heavy.


I guess with Lauren having problems and being in the hospital this weekend hasn’t helped any. When you become a Dad it’s a life long job and one I wouldn’t take anything for… it’s just when your little girl and she’s carrying your grandson you just feel so helpless. If we can keep her blood pressure down for 2 more weeks… last time the doctor was telling her -- if we could get 2 more months…


This brings me to something else that has really meant a lot to me and here again no one will ever know of this and really that’s not a bad thing. Over 37 years has passed since high school and there’s been a lot of water under the bridges. Back in high school I was just one of the many… I didn’t stand out… I was shy and had only a few close friends and all of them were younger so I really didn’t have any class friends. Fast forward 37 years or so and enter Facebook. I’ve become friends with so many classmates that I knew, but back then they didn’t have a clue about me. We’re all grandparents now--- and we do enjoy talking about the one thing we love most of all. It just makes me feel good to know that today I’m “somebody”. Someday when my photography takes off, there are a few friends I plan to give prints to just because they got to know “me” and believed in what I wanted out of life. In these past few weeks they have lent me their shoulders to lean on and never knew it, but sometimes just a simple “like” on a picture or a comment can mean so much.

“Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things. “ ~Author Unknown 

Memorial Day, A Day To Remember

“And they who for their country die shall fill an honored grave, for glory lights the soldier's tomb, and beauty weeps the brave.”  ~ Joseph Drake
How many nights do we go to bed afraid that during the night our homes will be stormed by troops from another nation? When you go to town meetings and question our leaders in government are you afraid that you will be thrown in jail? When you get in your car and drive across state lines and sit with you children and watch the sunrise or sunset on some beach, do you worry about having to have the right papers to cross from one state to another. If you’re like me you never think about all this… we just take it for granted. What we have and enjoy didn’t come without a very high price and there’s also a high price to keep what we have.


I remember my first war…(the Vietnam war) I was just maybe 10 or 12 and I remember every night on the world news the would give a count of the number of soldiers killed in a way I understood, but yet I couldn’t get my arms all the way around it. I didn’t understand all the protest at the time and I for sure didn’t understand why people were so mean and ugly to our soldiers coming home. This part I still don’t understand and I’m 55 and for the life of me there’s no way I could ever do or say to a soldier what these did. Right or wrong these boys did what they were ask by their country. They left as boys and came home old men--- young men, but well beyond their age in years.

Today we have brave young men and women fighting today… most or young and maybe never been outside their state… You know they are scared and afraid, but they do what has to be done… and I so many times never think about them and how they must feel. We need to and we need to show out support… I don’t like war and the hurt that comes with it, but until there are no humans on this Earth there’s going to be battles.

It wasn’t until I lost my Dad in March at I heard something that will forever be in my mind… as the funeral director folded Dad’s coffin flag and handed it to Mom he said ‘On behalf of a grateful nation, Thank you’… just how grateful are we… these few words has played over and over in my mind these past 2 months… on behalf of a grateful nation… I’m afraid most never think about our soldiers and what they and their families go through. Most would just as soon forget them and the ugly they are told to do… This isn’t right… and I think God we have men and women that will take on the job, but you let something or some one try to come take something away from one of these ‘I don’t care’ they would be one of the first ones to cry for the military.

To our military—THANK YOU SO MUCH for what you do and for what you stand for…. I am only one American, but you have my support… May God Bless you and your family.

How Great Thou Art!! Oh really??

Well here we are at the end of May… I cannot believe how fast this year is going by.

I got to shoot a wedding with my friend this weekend and as always we had fun and I know we did a great job. Little bride got off to a bad start… problems with her dress and a few other little things, but when it all came time it all came together and she was beautiful.

I guess at weddings, preachers just have to belittle people that had problems in a marriage and no longer can stay together. It’s not something I like either, but as we all know things happen, people change and for those that has never been down the road to pick up rocks and throw at people that’s traveled this road of hurt is just wrong I feel. If anyone thinks I like coming home each day to an empty house I’ve got some nice ocean front land for sale just north of I-20, but who am I to know anything… he’s “THE MAN” he knows everything about everything. I really think some preachers and lay people need to go back and read their Bible again… and this time maybe read John 8:7 "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." I really don’t like being looked done upon for things that have happened… and until you’ve walked in someone else’s shoes you really need to keep your comments to yourself. "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:2 … With this verse I’ll close for today, but one more thing… BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT OTHERS… as I’ve heard my Mom and Grandma say “The chickens will come home to roost”. Just think about this a bit…

Like this sunrise from one day last week.. the even the darkest clouds can't keep the sun from coming through.   This is just my take on it...

Tattered

Friday evening again and it's a very nice evening... it's a little warm outside, but we got a good rain last night.

I was just sitting here and remembered that Moss Point has there 'Last Friday of the Month" tonight in the park.  I had kinda wanted to go the first part of the week, but now --- don't think so.  Have you ever done that... make plans to do something and then when it comes time to do it... ya just back out.  I tend to do that more than I would like to think.  Just not sure what it is... I try to play it off as just to many people being there... I think it's that's there's not enough people there... well people I know that is.  I've never been one that liked to go places alone.. I always kinda like the group or at least having one person with me.  Oh well ... maybe next month and then I'm sure it will be the same thing again... haha... but I do like to think about it and plan.

I've been working on "My Coast" slideshow... I added several new slides to it from the pictures I did Tues.  I've got about a 100 slides in the show now and all of them are from Ocean Springs to Bayou La Batre and everything between.  I enjoy going down to Bayou La Batre and watching the boats go out with the setting sun... it's a nice little place to visit, I don't think I would want to live down there...

My picture here tonight... have you ever felt like this... "tattered"

Barney and Thelma Lou

May 22, 2011 -- Sunday --

This was the sunrise this morning... I never know from one morning to the next what I'll see, but each one is special. The one this morning just happened to be one of the very special ones. Wish I could have stopped it and just enjoyed it just a little longer... it was all over in less than five minutes... just a memory... like so many things we enjoy and take for granted... time does not stand still for any of us... seconds tick by becoming minutes and minutes becoming hours... before long we're left looking back as I am now at this sunrise and trying to remember everything I can about it... trying to relive a few special seconds... Now days I look at my grandkids and then at their Moms and try to remember the special times we had and try to replay them in my mind.... and all the time I'm trying to remember how did the time get by me so fast.

This afternoon after the kids left I was watching TV ... as a matter of fact I was watching "The Andy Griffith Show" and it just happened to be the one were they were having a class reunion...The Return of Barney Fife(2/3) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnPQBQgjQsc&NR=1 -- Barney finds out that Thelma Lou is going to be at the reunion and is all excited about seeing her again... when she walks in Barney is delighted to see his old flame... they dance one dance and then an old school friend takes her to meet other class members... Barney tells Andy that 'she still has it for him'.... then Thelma Lou walks back in and introduces her new husband of six weeks to Barney and Andy. The dreams Barney had all vanish in a second.

I went to a homecoming last summer and I had so looked forward to seeing everyone, but once I got there I was kinda like Barney... I just didn't fit in anymore... my dreams were shattered... things change... people change… The show this afternoon just got me to thinking about a lot of things… a lot of dreams...



Make the hurt go away

"Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever."  ~
Author Unknown


It's Mother's Day weekend and I'm going home to be with my Mom.  I know things that she doesn't want to know because she doesn't want to upset me and there feelings she has I understand oh to well, but like her I keep it all to myself because I don't want to upset her...

Lauren called this afternoon and told me that she had talked to Mom and that she broke down and told her that she couldn't stand the weekends.  I know that feeling... the week days we have things like work to think about, but the weekend there's nothing but silence.. I know I've written about this before, but there were times that the silence would just split my heart and the loneliness would flood over me...

I think this is what Mom is going through.... I wish there was some magic words I could speak and have all the hurt just go away.  I'm getting better thinking about Dad... there are still times something will come to mind and it hits me all over again... Guess we never get over it.... then of all things I think about my girls and God I don't want them to hurt like this but I have no control over it... all I can do is love them as best as I can and tell them every day just what they mean to me so when I do leave I can leave them knowing they were so special to me and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about them and smile.  

Pain...when does it go away... when will the hurting stop.  I wish there was something I could do for Mom... Tomorrow she will be excited to see me and then Sunday I'll have to leave and we'll both cry for hours...   

Things Change

"Things change. They always do, it's one of the things of nature. Most people are afraid of change, but if you look at it as something you can always count on, then it can be a comfort." ~ Robert Kincaid (The Bridges of Madison County)

Things do change and change fast is seems. It was 4 years yesterday that we lost Jeff and there's been very few days that in some way I haven't thought of him... I keep telling myself as long as we remember and keep them in our hearts  --there they will stay--.


Sometimes change is good for soul and at times change can take the life out of our souls, but one thing is for sure things will change.


As for me... I'm not sure where I stand on change... one moment I welcome it the next I cuss it... I want it, but yet I can't seem to let go of the past to embrace it. I guess one morning I'm going to wake up and realize... my life has slowly went by while I was looking for change... and the whole time change was just a breath away...

In a way I envy Robert Kincaid... and like Robert said:
"The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but glad I had them." ---

yes the old dreams were good -- I just wish I had the faith to dream new dreams now. I've gotten to were I'm afraid to dream of the future and seem to live in the past more and more... the past little bit I've noticed that I seem to be wanting to distance myself from others... even the ones I love the very most... I just don't want to feel the sting of hurt anymore...

Since Dad's death the old saying "Time heals all wounds"... well I'm not so sure... yes over time the "sting" goes away but the pain is still there. Like with Jeff... 4 years has come and gone... and the pain of losing a close cousin (more like my brother) still fills my heart...

Wilted Soul...

It's Thursday afternoon and I'm just beat... It's not that things at work has been that bad... it's just a tired I can't seem to get over... it's like my very soul has just wilted and dried up.   I've gotten to the point that I don't even know what I want anymore... it's not that I want to give up... I can't explain it this afternoon as bad as I need to I'm finding it so hard to put words to it today.  I'm feeling like 'what's the use?'... 'when will it be my turn to have something' to 'get a break'...

I'm just not getting anywhere here this afternoon... kinda the story of my life now days... I just want to feel good again... to laugh and enjoy life... my hurt is on many levels... so don't try to say this or that... and time isn't a friend... I don't care what anyone saids...  

I hope if anyone reads this they want understand... for if they do I know they to are hurting also... and that's something I wish for no one....

The Heart of a Child

The sunrise this morning, April 15, 2011. I was just about to leave for work and looked out and saw this shot. I know I've said it before and will more than likely do it again many times, but I try to see things that others miss... anyway..

The sunrise here is like that of a child's love... even the dark and fog cannot keep their love from shining through...

This afternoon I was sitting here going through the papers on my desk trying to clean it off some, but I think that's going to be a lost cause also... and came across a little note a very special little boy left for me. It was written on one of my darkest days by someone that loves me without question and to him I can do no wrong. The little note was written on a piece of a pocket tablet and said this.... Melissa had come over to check on Lucy and Cody for me.. I was with Mom and Gene taking care of Dad's arrangements.

"From Gage" (with 2 sad faces one small and one larger) "I (drawn heart) you" ---- On the note there were 3 or 4 pieces of clover he had picked as flowers and put on the note.

To say he understood everything I would have to say not really, but he did understand that his Mom and Paw Paw were upset and in his little way he wanted to let Paw Paw know when I got back home he was thinking about me.


Melissa said that when Noah got upset she had him wipe the tears from her eyes and this helped him. A child’s heart is so full of pure love.. I do think they learn how to love from us... and here they were returning love to us in their own way... while trying to figure out just what’s going on with Mom and everyone else.


Hillary Clinton liked to say it took a village to raise a child... I think that's what's wrong today, to many people that's not family... It takes a FAMILY to raise a child... to teach them, but more over to show them how to love... These two little boys 6 and 3 have touched me in ways that just go beyond words. When they tell me they love me and hug me… they mean it with all their little hearts...

Being PawPaw is the best thing in the world and I leaned it from the BEST... you're missed so much Dad...

The Shroud of Silence

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal. ~Author Unknown



Beyond the clouds the sun still shines, but for me here on Earth my heart is covered with dark clouds.  I went home this past weekend to check on Mom and Gene to say it was hard would somehow be an understatement.  I could see the hurt in Mom's face and my heart would almost fall apart, but somehow I kept it all together for the most part.  I just wanted to hold Mom and cry with her, but I tried to keep a happy face as much as possible. 

In a way I know how Mom feels... the silence... that's got to be one of the worse things I've ever felt... when just days before there was sound and now there's just that dreadful silence...

I hate the silence... the silence lets my heart feel the hurt again... over and over I live the pain.... when will it stop... when will the clouds break and the sun shine again?  I feel as thro the sun will never shine as bright as it once did... I believe the dark clouds of silence dims our view, or maybe covers our eyes with a film that we can't strip off so our world is never as bright as it once was. 

Memory Road

Dang it... I'm beginning to feel the same way I did a month or so back.  I'm just not wanting to do anything again... Going to the gym made me feel so good and alive for awhile, but now I just go just to have something to do.  I was coming home feeling so good and wanting to go out and work around in the yard... but the past few days is just like the old days.  

The old road I shot here holds a lot of memories for me and maybe I just haven't gotten it all out... maybe I'll never get it all out.  I've made many tracks in and down this hill with my Grandparents, Mom, Dad, and now with my grandkids.  Maybe there's just something hanging on that I just can't let go of... maybe there's still pain that I haven't felt yet. I know this sound so crazy, but I just don't know how to put it... I don't like the way I feel and I just don't know what to do about it.   I guess we all deal with out hurt and pain in different ways and it's up to each of us to figure out how to work through it.  Same day the sun is going to shine again, the birds will sing... someday.... someday..

Dark Days

The morning sky of March 22, 2011 was dark, but never did I think my skies would turn as dark as they did that day.

At an early age we begin to learn that people we love are here with us for only so long, but knowing that and then living it is altogether something different.

On the afternoon of March 22, 2011, my world shattered into a billions of little bits.. my Dad whom I've had for 55 years left this Earth to join the legions that had gone on before him.  

There's just no way you can prepare for even thro you think you can... death comes a shadow and little by little it slips up on us and then it over takes the ones we love... it may take our love one, but be darn if death can take the memories we have... so in essences you didn't win the war death... you just won one battle.  "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? ~ 1 Corinthians 15:55 " ... Yes death you took the body... but the soul lives on... it lives in ME and until that day... so shall my Dad live on.  Yes you hurt us, but time will heal us and again we shall smile as Dad now smile on us from a place just the other side of the sunrise....

Yes death you did win the battle... but the war is for from over... we all will fall to you, but win the war... you never will as long as we have love ones that remember us... so you smile now while we are in the dark of our hurt... but you just remember no matter how dark the night... MORNING will come.... and with it comes a new day of hope and love.... LOVE is one thing that not even you death can take from us...

We will smile and laugh again and always carry you in our HEARTS Dad... ALWAYS.....

The Old Doorknob...

I got to shoot a wedding last weekend in an old church... from what I could tell from the records I saw it was built somewhere around 1856 and 1860... no matter it's still old.. and it was so pretty.. very small oh.  Well I didn't know my way around the building so I went through one door only to find this old doorknob... to most it would have been just that an old doorknob, but I saw something it... and it was only today that I found out what this was all about.  I did download the picture and stored it for use in my blog at some point in time, but it became clear to me today that this was the right time.


I started this blog for no other reason than to just to put my feeling on paper so to say... a way to try and make sense of things going on with me that I had little control over, but had a way of shattering my very being.  Well today I found out there was a bigger reason for my scribbling than just to help 'ME'.  Today I got a note from someone telling me that they had been following my blog and for the first time they felt like it was ok maybe let your guard down, to have a melt down, and also to want things for yourself.  This note really touched me... for someone to take time to write meant a lot. 


I see the old doorknob now as it was meant to be seen... as a way to our future...we have to turn the old knob to the past and open the door to the future, but we have to turn it and open that door... no one else can do it for us no matter how much they would like. 


The future... my future... what does it hold... or better yet who hold it? I'm afraid I feel like I'm in a dark abyss at times not knowing which way is up or down or left or right.  Walking aimlessly and getting no where, but now I don't feel so alone for I know now that there's others that feel the same... again I go back to what I said about the old doorknob... we have to turn it and open the door to let the light in. 


I have seen the other side of the door through others and the other side looks good.  (Now I'm NOT talking about "The Other Side") ... haha .. I'm talking about the other side of this door we keep closed and sometimes locked in our heart... someday... someday...


To the person that sent me the note... Thank You for taking the time to let me know I'm not crazy... nor am I along with my feeling.  Thank you so much.

Clouded Dreams

Sunday morning and it looks so bad outside again today.. Yesterday it rained and I really wasn't able to get out and it made for one more long and boring day.  I did sit down yesterday and put together my first photo book... My Coast, My Home. It was my first attempt and I think my next one will be better now that I kinda know how the software works.  The only thing is the darn things are kinda high.  I wish I could get a few of them for some very special people that that has always believed in me and my dream...

I joined the gym via the hospital and it has really made me feel better in a lot of ways --- yet... there's a part that that kepts asking quetions and keeps me asking 'when will it be my turn".  There's times I feel as thro I'm just a place holder or maybe a safe haven.  In my heart of hearts I feel that this is just an over sight that I'm not really being excluded on purpose, but what ever ... it still kinda makes me feel bad.  I also want to know that I'm needed. 

 I keep dreaming, but there's always a naysayer that shakes me from my slumber and so goes my hopes and dreams... I feel that someday that the clouds are going to part and the light is going to shine through... when just when...   

Spring where are you?? I need to get out of this house before I go over the edge and lose my mind for sure... hahaha... I know some people that would say it's to late-- I've already lost it... haha