Another Weekend

It's another weekend-- well at least it's Sunday morning.  Saturday was the longest day... or maybe it was just the fact that I just didn't want to do anything... or was that it?  There was a lot I wanted to do, but I just couldn't get up and do them.  I wanted to go the the Geocaching Meeting, but I didn't go... long story ...  The kids all had things they had to do so that took them out of the loop and I understand and I'm glad they have their own lives to lead.  Next month I'll be 55 years old... and I don't think there's anyone that really understands me or how I feel.  I'm always hearing things like 'get up and go do something'-- people just don't understand it's not that easy for some of us.  Oh there's so many things I would like to do and so many little places I would like to visit... but ya know I don't ever see it happening.  I just can't do it.. Until you've walked in my shoes don't try to tell me how I should 'just do it'... if it were that easy don't you think I would have already done it???   One of my biggest fears is something happening to me and being alone.  My boss called me to his office Friday and wanted to know if I had any plans of retiring.. we're about to get a new computer system and he wanted to make sure I was going to stay around to help bring it up... this did make me feel good... but the bad thing is and what I didn't tell him was .. what the heck else do I have to look forward to... outside work I have no life.. but I did tell him that if something came up and the hospital offered me an early out -- I would have to take it... i would be a fool not to.. I just feel like I've got so many things going on in my life and at the same time nothing... I know that makes no sense at all. but yet I may to you.   I feel like every time I start to get a hold on things my hands slip and I fall... I'm starting to get tired of falling all the time... Just getting tired of so much and just wish I could make someone understand... the weight I feel I'm carring around somethings almost crushes me... and I don't know why I carry it.... I just don't know...