Dec 31, 2010

This was the morning sky around 6:30am... and the bad thing is I feel just as gray as the sky looks here.  I'm just not sure what to say and I for sure don't know what to do, but for some reason I just can't seem to get things together.   Just when I think the pieces are coming together I find out I've got the wrong puzzle and it was just by accident that the pieces fit.  It's like the more I try the worse it becomes and at times I just wonder about the WHOLE PICTURE.. what's real and what's not real... I do know the difference in feeling good and feeling bad.... and I'm coming to the conclusion if you feel good... give it a bit and I can almost assure you that the feel bad will be 2X worse.  Now days I've gotten where I just keep everything to myself.. it's not that my friends don't care.. it's that they just don't understand.  So I just paste on a smile or something that will pass as one and try to go about my day to day business.   Poeple are always saying 'Oh things happen for a reason'.. RIGHT... and I know where you can buy flying pigs cheap also.  I love my girls and grandkids with all my heart, but there's got to be more to life than going to work every day and maybe getting a phone call from them at night.  Sometimes the quietness over takes me and I try to defeat it, but it's like being in a blackhole... I'm pulled down into it.  Each time I try to break free the harder it pulls me... and when I do break free deep down I know that sooner or later I'll fall and each time the fall gets a little harder.    What is one to do?  Giving up isn't the answer nor is it an option... maybe the answer is to do nothing and maybe the like the seeds I'll grow a hard shell around me and then thing can touch me nor will I be able to touch anything.  I guess it's a two way street here... you can't can't have the one without the other.  Here we are on the eve of a new year and I've got so much to be thankful for and I am thankful... but yet I'm so afraid and so isolated.... I don't know what 2011 will have in store, but somewhere in the coming year I hope there's something in it for me... just a little something that I can hold one to and dream for.... I know to most this will make no sense and it's for that very reason I keep everything to myself. 

Wonder Why

Sunrise 12/29/2010 Wed

Here we are with just a few days left in 2010 and what a year.. I got a new grandbaby, McKenna and found out that I'm going to have another grandbaby in 2011. 

There's times I wonder what it would be like to be able to smile and laugh just because you're happy and for no other reason.  For some reason I can't seem to do this.  It's like happiness is a dream that when I close my eyes I can feel, but when I awake it's no longer there. 

I know none of this makes any sense to anyone but to me it's so real.