I went home this past weekend... all excited about seeing everyone and really I did enjoy talking to and being with old friends some I haven't seen in over 30 years, but for some reason when I left Saturday night it was like I had lost a part of my very soul. There was an emptiness in me almost like a hurt. I can't tell you what caused this it surly wasn't anyone at the party or maybe it was everyone at the party. Maybe I was wanting/hoping to bring back some of those long gone years... I don't know what I was hoping for, but what ever it was it didn't show up or maybe it was there, but I've let my heart grow so cold that I can't or want allow it to feel the love of even friends anymore. I fault no one but myself for not trying to fit in anymore... I wish I had a better answer.. I've gone over this a millon times in my mind just trying to tie something down... but each time I come up with nothing.
I called Mom last night just to check on them... when I left Sunday she knew I was upset. She told me last night that I couldn't see were I was going if I kept looking back.. well sometimes I feel like I've left everything behind me and there's nothing to be looking forward to... Oh I know people will say you've got your children and grand children.. and I do and God knows how I love them and there's nothing I wouldn't do for them, but still there's times not even they can fill the void I feel. At times I feel like this old tree... just standing in the shadow.
This was not written as a "poor me" ... I just write how I feel and to try to find peace within myself.
