Sunrise over my backyard this morning-Oct 25, 2008
I'm afraid I can feel it coming on this morning. It's that feeling that I'm sinking into a dark black abyss. I wish I knew what triggered these events so I could avoid them. I hate this feeling, the feeling of not being able to cope with things. I guess that's the feeling I'm having. All I want to do is nothing, just lay around in bed. Not caring about or wanting to get up. People will say 'just get up and do something it will make you feel better'.... I've got news for them... IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT. That's kinda like telling someone with cancer to take an aspirin and go about their life, it's all going to be ok. It's not going to work and we know that. It's the same with this. I just can't wish it away or work it way. If I could don't you think I would be the first to do so. I've got things I want to do but for the life of me I can't move on it. I think some of it comes form nothing more than just being lonely. There's no one to talk to and I think that plays on ones mind more than we think. One would say get out and be with people.. again that's not as easy as people thinks it is. I'm just not the kind of person that can just take up and do things by myself... I like to have others around me that I know to go and do things with. I joined a camera club hoping that would help, but it's almost like being back in high school... they have their little 'click' and they are the ones that know it all... so I stopped going to that. I for sure didn't need someone that just got their first camera a year or so ago telling me how to shoot pictures. I wish I could write I've got big plans for today, but the truth of the matter is I think the most I'm going to do has just been done. I really hate that also... life is so short and here I am sitting here.. and DON'T sit there and read this and say 'WELL JUST GET UP AND DO SOMETHING'... I've stated this before.. it doesn't work like that.. God knows I wish it were that easy. I tried yesterday to get out, but everywhere I went it just made me feel worse. What I would give to feel happy and to feel like I really belonged again.
