Happiness and Sadness -- A very fine line

This was shot this morning.. and it's almost me.  It's like I'm in between the light and the dark.. The light being happy and the dark being upset. 

On one hand I'm happy and the other one I'm sad.  Being a Dad is so hard.. there's so many times I wish I could just take the hands of the clock and turn them backwards and make my girls my little girls again.  Back to a time where I could hold them in my arms and rock them and most of all make all the hurt go away. 

We all know there's all likes of love.. but one love that is so true and genuine and that is the love a child has for you. 

Lauren is learing that... Little Noah loves his Aunt Lauren without question and with her he would go to the ends of the world.  In my own way I've tried to tell Lauren that everything happens in it's own time... we can rush things.. we for sure don't know what tomorrow has in store for us... but today there's 2 little boys that loves her so much.. Gage is a little older but he still loves his Aunt La... maybe I've failed... but I really think that when the time is right everything will come together.  It hurts me so bad to see her upset... what's a Dad to do? 

What's a Dad to do?

I had lunch with Lauren yesterday and as always I enjoyed every second of if.   I know she worries about things and I feel she's afraid and what hurts me is there's not one thing I can do. 


I wish I could just put my arms around her and hold her like I did so many years ago, when Dad was able to make every thing ok. 

Questions

I really hate feeling the way I do right now.  There's nothing I want to do... like yesterday I went with Jonathan and the boys to Mobile... and I enjoyed being with them so much, but it was like a part of me just wasn't there. WHY?  I don't know if I has to do with worry or just what it could be. 

I can't get a statement Lauren told me out of my mind and most of all out of my heart.  We were talking Friday night and she said something that just made me want to pull her thru the phone and wrap my arms around her and hold her like she was my baby again. 

Like I've stated many times before when you child is upset and there's not one thing you can do as a Dad it breaks your heart and when your heart is heavy there's very little you want to do.

Another thing that has me upset is the fact that no matter what camera equipment I buy it's like it's not good enough.  I went out Friday afternoon to shoot some. Had what I was thinking was going to be great shots.. when I got back here and looked at them I was just sick.  They were not sharp.. what's up with this.. the lens I've got wasn't cheap, but yet it wasn't a prime 400L or 600L... I'm beginning to think even if I had  the prime lens would it have made a difference.. I guess I'll just have to question this one... there's no way I can go out and spend $6000 to $12,000 on a lens.    It's like the harder I try the worse I get.. what's up with that?  Then again it could just be me.. I don't know... all I know is that photography is something I love and it seems like I just can't get a break.   Maybe this is a poor choice of words... I try so hard and I never seem to make it... Maybe I should just hang it up and spend my money on other things... I can't do that... I guess I'll just keep on trying and maybe someday.... my someday will come.