Tattered

Friday evening again and it's a very nice evening... it's a little warm outside, but we got a good rain last night.

I was just sitting here and remembered that Moss Point has there 'Last Friday of the Month" tonight in the park.  I had kinda wanted to go the first part of the week, but now --- don't think so.  Have you ever done that... make plans to do something and then when it comes time to do it... ya just back out.  I tend to do that more than I would like to think.  Just not sure what it is... I try to play it off as just to many people being there... I think it's that's there's not enough people there... well people I know that is.  I've never been one that liked to go places alone.. I always kinda like the group or at least having one person with me.  Oh well ... maybe next month and then I'm sure it will be the same thing again... haha... but I do like to think about it and plan.

I've been working on "My Coast" slideshow... I added several new slides to it from the pictures I did Tues.  I've got about a 100 slides in the show now and all of them are from Ocean Springs to Bayou La Batre and everything between.  I enjoy going down to Bayou La Batre and watching the boats go out with the setting sun... it's a nice little place to visit, I don't think I would want to live down there...

My picture here tonight... have you ever felt like this... "tattered"

Barney and Thelma Lou

May 22, 2011 -- Sunday --

This was the sunrise this morning... I never know from one morning to the next what I'll see, but each one is special. The one this morning just happened to be one of the very special ones. Wish I could have stopped it and just enjoyed it just a little longer... it was all over in less than five minutes... just a memory... like so many things we enjoy and take for granted... time does not stand still for any of us... seconds tick by becoming minutes and minutes becoming hours... before long we're left looking back as I am now at this sunrise and trying to remember everything I can about it... trying to relive a few special seconds... Now days I look at my grandkids and then at their Moms and try to remember the special times we had and try to replay them in my mind.... and all the time I'm trying to remember how did the time get by me so fast.

This afternoon after the kids left I was watching TV ... as a matter of fact I was watching "The Andy Griffith Show" and it just happened to be the one were they were having a class reunion...The Return of Barney Fife(2/3) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnPQBQgjQsc&NR=1 -- Barney finds out that Thelma Lou is going to be at the reunion and is all excited about seeing her again... when she walks in Barney is delighted to see his old flame... they dance one dance and then an old school friend takes her to meet other class members... Barney tells Andy that 'she still has it for him'.... then Thelma Lou walks back in and introduces her new husband of six weeks to Barney and Andy. The dreams Barney had all vanish in a second.

I went to a homecoming last summer and I had so looked forward to seeing everyone, but once I got there I was kinda like Barney... I just didn't fit in anymore... my dreams were shattered... things change... people change… The show this afternoon just got me to thinking about a lot of things… a lot of dreams...



Make the hurt go away

"Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever."  ~
Author Unknown


It's Mother's Day weekend and I'm going home to be with my Mom.  I know things that she doesn't want to know because she doesn't want to upset me and there feelings she has I understand oh to well, but like her I keep it all to myself because I don't want to upset her...

Lauren called this afternoon and told me that she had talked to Mom and that she broke down and told her that she couldn't stand the weekends.  I know that feeling... the week days we have things like work to think about, but the weekend there's nothing but silence.. I know I've written about this before, but there were times that the silence would just split my heart and the loneliness would flood over me...

I think this is what Mom is going through.... I wish there was some magic words I could speak and have all the hurt just go away.  I'm getting better thinking about Dad... there are still times something will come to mind and it hits me all over again... Guess we never get over it.... then of all things I think about my girls and God I don't want them to hurt like this but I have no control over it... all I can do is love them as best as I can and tell them every day just what they mean to me so when I do leave I can leave them knowing they were so special to me and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about them and smile.  

Pain...when does it go away... when will the hurting stop.  I wish there was something I could do for Mom... Tomorrow she will be excited to see me and then Sunday I'll have to leave and we'll both cry for hours...   

Things Change

"Things change. They always do, it's one of the things of nature. Most people are afraid of change, but if you look at it as something you can always count on, then it can be a comfort." ~ Robert Kincaid (The Bridges of Madison County)

Things do change and change fast is seems. It was 4 years yesterday that we lost Jeff and there's been very few days that in some way I haven't thought of him... I keep telling myself as long as we remember and keep them in our hearts  --there they will stay--.


Sometimes change is good for soul and at times change can take the life out of our souls, but one thing is for sure things will change.


As for me... I'm not sure where I stand on change... one moment I welcome it the next I cuss it... I want it, but yet I can't seem to let go of the past to embrace it. I guess one morning I'm going to wake up and realize... my life has slowly went by while I was looking for change... and the whole time change was just a breath away...

In a way I envy Robert Kincaid... and like Robert said:
"The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but glad I had them." ---

yes the old dreams were good -- I just wish I had the faith to dream new dreams now. I've gotten to were I'm afraid to dream of the future and seem to live in the past more and more... the past little bit I've noticed that I seem to be wanting to distance myself from others... even the ones I love the very most... I just don't want to feel the sting of hurt anymore...

Since Dad's death the old saying "Time heals all wounds"... well I'm not so sure... yes over time the "sting" goes away but the pain is still there. Like with Jeff... 4 years has come and gone... and the pain of losing a close cousin (more like my brother) still fills my heart...

Wilted Soul...

It's Thursday afternoon and I'm just beat... It's not that things at work has been that bad... it's just a tired I can't seem to get over... it's like my very soul has just wilted and dried up.   I've gotten to the point that I don't even know what I want anymore... it's not that I want to give up... I can't explain it this afternoon as bad as I need to I'm finding it so hard to put words to it today.  I'm feeling like 'what's the use?'... 'when will it be my turn to have something' to 'get a break'...

I'm just not getting anywhere here this afternoon... kinda the story of my life now days... I just want to feel good again... to laugh and enjoy life... my hurt is on many levels... so don't try to say this or that... and time isn't a friend... I don't care what anyone saids...  

I hope if anyone reads this they want understand... for if they do I know they to are hurting also... and that's something I wish for no one....

The Heart of a Child

The sunrise this morning, April 15, 2011. I was just about to leave for work and looked out and saw this shot. I know I've said it before and will more than likely do it again many times, but I try to see things that others miss... anyway..

The sunrise here is like that of a child's love... even the dark and fog cannot keep their love from shining through...

This afternoon I was sitting here going through the papers on my desk trying to clean it off some, but I think that's going to be a lost cause also... and came across a little note a very special little boy left for me. It was written on one of my darkest days by someone that loves me without question and to him I can do no wrong. The little note was written on a piece of a pocket tablet and said this.... Melissa had come over to check on Lucy and Cody for me.. I was with Mom and Gene taking care of Dad's arrangements.

"From Gage" (with 2 sad faces one small and one larger) "I (drawn heart) you" ---- On the note there were 3 or 4 pieces of clover he had picked as flowers and put on the note.

To say he understood everything I would have to say not really, but he did understand that his Mom and Paw Paw were upset and in his little way he wanted to let Paw Paw know when I got back home he was thinking about me.


Melissa said that when Noah got upset she had him wipe the tears from her eyes and this helped him. A child’s heart is so full of pure love.. I do think they learn how to love from us... and here they were returning love to us in their own way... while trying to figure out just what’s going on with Mom and everyone else.


Hillary Clinton liked to say it took a village to raise a child... I think that's what's wrong today, to many people that's not family... It takes a FAMILY to raise a child... to teach them, but more over to show them how to love... These two little boys 6 and 3 have touched me in ways that just go beyond words. When they tell me they love me and hug me… they mean it with all their little hearts...

Being PawPaw is the best thing in the world and I leaned it from the BEST... you're missed so much Dad...

The Shroud of Silence

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal. ~Author Unknown



Beyond the clouds the sun still shines, but for me here on Earth my heart is covered with dark clouds.  I went home this past weekend to check on Mom and Gene to say it was hard would somehow be an understatement.  I could see the hurt in Mom's face and my heart would almost fall apart, but somehow I kept it all together for the most part.  I just wanted to hold Mom and cry with her, but I tried to keep a happy face as much as possible. 

In a way I know how Mom feels... the silence... that's got to be one of the worse things I've ever felt... when just days before there was sound and now there's just that dreadful silence...

I hate the silence... the silence lets my heart feel the hurt again... over and over I live the pain.... when will it stop... when will the clouds break and the sun shine again?  I feel as thro the sun will never shine as bright as it once did... I believe the dark clouds of silence dims our view, or maybe covers our eyes with a film that we can't strip off so our world is never as bright as it once was. 

Memory Road

Dang it... I'm beginning to feel the same way I did a month or so back.  I'm just not wanting to do anything again... Going to the gym made me feel so good and alive for awhile, but now I just go just to have something to do.  I was coming home feeling so good and wanting to go out and work around in the yard... but the past few days is just like the old days.  

The old road I shot here holds a lot of memories for me and maybe I just haven't gotten it all out... maybe I'll never get it all out.  I've made many tracks in and down this hill with my Grandparents, Mom, Dad, and now with my grandkids.  Maybe there's just something hanging on that I just can't let go of... maybe there's still pain that I haven't felt yet. I know this sound so crazy, but I just don't know how to put it... I don't like the way I feel and I just don't know what to do about it.   I guess we all deal with out hurt and pain in different ways and it's up to each of us to figure out how to work through it.  Same day the sun is going to shine again, the birds will sing... someday.... someday..

Dark Days

The morning sky of March 22, 2011 was dark, but never did I think my skies would turn as dark as they did that day.

At an early age we begin to learn that people we love are here with us for only so long, but knowing that and then living it is altogether something different.

On the afternoon of March 22, 2011, my world shattered into a billions of little bits.. my Dad whom I've had for 55 years left this Earth to join the legions that had gone on before him.  

There's just no way you can prepare for even thro you think you can... death comes a shadow and little by little it slips up on us and then it over takes the ones we love... it may take our love one, but be darn if death can take the memories we have... so in essences you didn't win the war death... you just won one battle.  "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? ~ 1 Corinthians 15:55 " ... Yes death you took the body... but the soul lives on... it lives in ME and until that day... so shall my Dad live on.  Yes you hurt us, but time will heal us and again we shall smile as Dad now smile on us from a place just the other side of the sunrise....

Yes death you did win the battle... but the war is for from over... we all will fall to you, but win the war... you never will as long as we have love ones that remember us... so you smile now while we are in the dark of our hurt... but you just remember no matter how dark the night... MORNING will come.... and with it comes a new day of hope and love.... LOVE is one thing that not even you death can take from us...

We will smile and laugh again and always carry you in our HEARTS Dad... ALWAYS.....

The Old Doorknob...

I got to shoot a wedding last weekend in an old church... from what I could tell from the records I saw it was built somewhere around 1856 and 1860... no matter it's still old.. and it was so pretty.. very small oh.  Well I didn't know my way around the building so I went through one door only to find this old doorknob... to most it would have been just that an old doorknob, but I saw something it... and it was only today that I found out what this was all about.  I did download the picture and stored it for use in my blog at some point in time, but it became clear to me today that this was the right time.


I started this blog for no other reason than to just to put my feeling on paper so to say... a way to try and make sense of things going on with me that I had little control over, but had a way of shattering my very being.  Well today I found out there was a bigger reason for my scribbling than just to help 'ME'.  Today I got a note from someone telling me that they had been following my blog and for the first time they felt like it was ok maybe let your guard down, to have a melt down, and also to want things for yourself.  This note really touched me... for someone to take time to write meant a lot. 


I see the old doorknob now as it was meant to be seen... as a way to our future...we have to turn the old knob to the past and open the door to the future, but we have to turn it and open that door... no one else can do it for us no matter how much they would like. 


The future... my future... what does it hold... or better yet who hold it? I'm afraid I feel like I'm in a dark abyss at times not knowing which way is up or down or left or right.  Walking aimlessly and getting no where, but now I don't feel so alone for I know now that there's others that feel the same... again I go back to what I said about the old doorknob... we have to turn it and open the door to let the light in. 


I have seen the other side of the door through others and the other side looks good.  (Now I'm NOT talking about "The Other Side") ... haha .. I'm talking about the other side of this door we keep closed and sometimes locked in our heart... someday... someday...


To the person that sent me the note... Thank You for taking the time to let me know I'm not crazy... nor am I along with my feeling.  Thank you so much.