Grandkids --- what a joy

Taken at Disney World Oct 2008, by Melissa

I think one of greatest joys, other than rasing my own 3 daughters, is watching my grandchildren grow up. I enjoy seeing and watching their eyes as they do something new for the first time. Everything being new to them and so excting.

Yesterday was Jonathan's birthday, so we had a little party last night. When I walked through the door little Noah came running to me and put his little arms around my neck and gave me a big hug. That's what it's all about. This is something that must be earned.... the love and trust of this little boy. It's something no one can force him to do. This is love it it's most purest form.

I'm very luckly to know how it is to have parents and grandparents that loved you. I got to spend all my childhood around my grandparents. I truly miss them as much today as the day they left this world. I wish they could see the legacy they left and the impact they had on my life. I'm doing all I can to keep their memory by telling my girls and grandkids about them. I just hope some day that my grandchildren will look back and smile when they think of me.

Time has such a way of just slipping away. Here it is almost Thanksgiving and Christmas is just a few weeks more away. I'm afraid I don't make the best use of my time and every day I regret something I didn't do the day before. What's really makes me feel bad is the fact that I've reached my peak and now I've made the turn and it want be long I'll be in the home stretch.

All my life I've always wanted to be a photographer. I don't know what the problem is. I feel like my work is good and that I know the tech part of it, but for some reason I just can't get the business. At lest 2 or 3 people as asked Lauren about me shooting their wedding, but I never hear anything back. I was so hoping to maybe retire from the hospital at 35 years and open a small business. Now I think it's just one of those dreams I have..

While I'm talking about photography.... Gage is beginning to enjoy it. I've got to get some of the pictures he made at Disney World and post them. What really got me was what he told his Mom, Melissa.... Melissa told me that Gage wanted to take some pictures and she gave him the camera and he looked at her and said, "I'm just like PawPaw".... These few words just made my heart light up... Never think they aren't watching you... their little eyes see everything and hear every word.. Guess what Santa is going to bring him.... you guess it.. He's going to get a real camera so he and I can go shoot pictures together....

Well I'm going to go for this morning... the wind is blowing hard outside and the temp is falling. Looks a lot like rain... oh well didn't have much planned anyway.

The Dreams Again

I knida felt like this picture was me last night. The dark edges and light center. I truly hate nights like last night.

The dreams were back last night. It felt like every time I would go to sleep I was being transferred to another place and time.

I was around people I had not thought or since I was in high school and in some of the dreams I did not even know where I was or who the people were.

In most of the dreams I felt like I was in some kind of danger, that something bad was about to happen to me or the people I was suppose to know in the dream. I remember one part where I received a phone call and the caller told me something like... 'I told you not to let him go in there' .... I remember it was my cousin who I haven't seem or talked to for years the caller was telling me not to leave him alone. I had this feeling of dread... that something was going to happen. It all felt so real.

The other dreams I can't remember as clearly, mainly because there wasn't anyone in them that I was suppose to know I guess.

Maybe it's stress... maybe it's the fact that the holidays are almost here. The fact is I don't like the holidays. Guess there's all kind of reasons for this, but I just can't stand them. It's the most depressing time of the year.

Well it's off to my real nightmare (work) ....hahaha

Monday Again -

Shot this picture yesterday while out with Jonathan and the grandkids, Gage and Noah. Jonathan said he thinks it's whats left of an old tugboat. As one can see Fall is coming to South Mississippi. The leaves are beginning to fall off the hardwood trees in places. This place was so pretty and I only carried my long lens so I couldn't really get the shot I was wanting.

I'm not looking forward to today at work. I've been gone for a week and I know the e-mails are there waiting on me. Well there're just going to have to wait.

I think I wrote that I had been out to Texas for a Pharmacy Reoprt writing class. The class was good and I enjoyed it. Guess what I liked best about it was just getting away for a few days.

Yesterday Melissa, Jonathan, Gage, Noah, and Mary all ate lunch with me. This was the first time I've cooked lunch since before Lauren got married. I had forgotten had hard it was to get everything done and on the table by the time church was out.

After lunch the chruch was giving Lauren a shower so Melissa and Mary went back up there and Jonathan and I took the boys riding. Jonathan likes to take me on the back roads and show me things like this old boat. To say the least it was fun having the kids over and spending time with them yesterday.

Back Home

NO PICTURE????... it's been a long 4 days...

After being gone to Dallas, TX for 4 days, I'm back home. Three of us went out there for a Pharmacy report writing class. I enjoyed the class and enjoyed just getting away for a few days.

When we go there for class we always eat way more than we should I know, but it's so good. I think what I liked about us eating at a different place each night was that I was with friends. We talked and laughed and just had a good time. As much as I wanted to get back home to see my kids.. I didn't want the trip to end. Ending would mean coming back to an empty house. I enjoyed talking over dinner...

I don't know why I write all this, but as I write I feel better.... so please just bear with me.

Time Change - and Times are Changing

Well just let me start by saying I HATE THIS TIME CHANGE.. I fell like I've been up for hours and it's just now 6:30am and the it's going to be dark by 5pm today.

Today is Melissa birthday. My little girl is 30 today and looking back I just can't believe how fast the years have gone. Boy, 30 years ago this morning I was so afraid. Afraid then about how to be a Dad.. today I'm afraid that come Tues the world as we know it is going to fall to bits. I worry about my grandkids... what this will mean for them and I know it's not going to be good. I'm so over this giving to the those that will not to work yet go to the mail box each month to get there check. The ones that have babies because it pays more. If things go the way I'm afraid they do Tues working people like me want stand a chance in hell anymore. It's going to be the GREAT GIVE AWAY.. like nothing we've seen since the L.B. Johnson years. The bad thing is there's little that people like me can do. I did all I could do.. I did vote early because I'm going to be gone Tues on business. Until we can get people to get over this 'YOU OWE ME' crap we've headed downward. The only thing anyone ever gave me was a chance to prove myself. It wasn't easy, but I did it... it was hard work, but hard work never killed anyone.. look around.. who is killing whom??? Young people that DON'T work... that would rather lay around all day doing drug and making babies they have not intent on rising. The hand writing is on the wall... this nation is gone and I'm afraid come Tues our faith will be sealed. Maybe not... I forgot ... we want have to pay in taxes if we make less than $250,000 right??? YEAH.. who do you think pays for all the cars, babies, drugs, health care(the very best health care also) ... it's sure not the rich... it's the people like me that gets up every morning and goes to work and gives the government almost 50% of my check. Think about it... if you have insurance and come to the hospital they get you in and out because the insurance only pays so much... you come in with nothing you stay as long as needed... God forbid you can't pay like the people that works to pay insurance... You can't help it that you got shot will trying to rob someone that was WORKING...because you needed drug money and while we're at it let's put the WORKING person in jail for shooting you.. I'm sure they violated your rights some how. As I stated before... this nation is gone and I worry about my children and their children.... I'm afraid they want have a chance.

Crazy Dreams

My dreams are like the keys in this picture. Very sharp in places and so out of focus in other parts. I hate that, even if it where just a dream I still would like to see it all in focus. Like this morning... I was dreaming I was off on some kind of trip and was talking to someone and I never got a name, but yet we were talking like we were old long time friends.

Now of all things to remember, I remember being told by one person that we may not be allowed to get off the plane in Jackson or we may be met by the U.S. Marshall Service ... I think this came from Gunsmoke playing on the TV this morning. What gets me is why Jackson, why was I with people I have no idea who they were, and why can't I remember names?

I know it was only a dream, but they seem so real and I really wish I could remember this one persons name.. maybe the name was never spoken. I know dreams mean nothing as to what the future holds, but in a way I would like to think that maybe something like this could happen... meeting someone.

Just a dream... my mind wondering off into space.... hahaha

Last Bit

Halloween ... the last day of October... Where has this year gone?

It's been such a pretty day today. I've been out working on a gate I've been trying to fix forever and I think I've got it this time.

I went and got a new hard drive for my PC so I could backup all my pictures. The backup drive I had died on my last weekend and I've been on pins all week afraid the main drive would crash. Oh gosh if that had happened I would have been so sick. I did burn all my special pictures to DVD's last weekend, but still I wanted more backup. I guess it goes from working with computers for 32 years... you learn that they do crash and at the worst possible time.

I've also been working on some photography this afternoon. I'm going to get this fill light stuff yet. One of members on the Canon Forum told me when you have bright back light to UP my flash power and when the background is dark LOWER the power.. Sounds backwards right, but the more I studied it and tried it ... it's right and after going over it and over it I see why it works.

The butterfly picture here was shot at ASO 400 / f16 / with flash +1. I think it looks pretty good and the histogram shows all the peaks in the right places...

The little butterflies are out today in this pretty weather getting the last bit of food they can. My flowers are all but gone now. There's just a few left and the butterflies are all over them. Next year I hope to make the garden larger. As I get older I enjoy the little simple things of life more like just sitting and watching the butterflies and the little birds playing in the bath. Strange when we are young we can't see the simple beauty in things like that.

Well it's really been a great day. Most days I really don't like being around here, but today I've been busy and the day has passed by pretty fast...

Funny thing today

This is one of my Summer shots...

I got an e-mail this morning telling me that someone was copying me.. my photography work that is. This is part of the e-mail I got:
“Gage is our photographer. He takes the camera and takes such good pics! Said he is like his Pawpaw!!" Melissa and her family are in Disney World this week and when I got this it just made my day… to think that Gage watches me this close and wants to be like me… WOW… This means I’ve got to walk a very straight line… I can think of nothing better I would like to do than to get a business started and then someday Gage or one of the other grandkids take it and turns it into their life’s work.

Also had another e-mail today sent to me of a picture I shot not long ago that was ‘just one of those pictures’. I have laughed and smiled about it all day… each time I need a little pick-me-up something like this comes along.

Well I did all I can do… I VOTED today… early because next week I’ll be out of town for a day or so… Going to the Big ‘D’ for a class… it will be kinda like a vacation for me…. I just hope this cold weather goes away… all summer my shoulder hasn’t hurt… last night when the cold moved it I couldn’t sleep it hurt so bad… OLD and COLD don’t mix… hahahahah

Well until later..

I Beat it yesterday

My Confederate Rose

Shot today
I did it... I fought the demon yesterday and for once I won. Yesterday i felt it coming on and I was so afraid I was going to sink into that abyss, but I stayed busy and was able to have a good day.

I worked on an old window frame that Gene had given my years ago. I cleaned it up and I'm going to use it for a photo shoot. I've got some ideas, but I don't want to say much just yet.

Today has been one of those laid back days. Melissa's family should be at Disney World by now this afternoon. Gage was so looking forward to going down there. I hope they have fun.

I went out to the fair with Lauren and Mary around lunch... Mary wanted a funnel cake and Lauren wanted one more apple, but they told us they couldn't sell anything until 12:30 so Lauren to said to forget it and we left... hahahah I always look forward to the fair coming, but by the time it leaves I'm so ready for it to be long gone. This year there wasn't that much to it.

Well just want to report the good news... this is the first time I've really been able to fight this off so maybe from now on I can beat it before it beats me.

Another long weekend

Sunrise over my backyard this morning-
Oct 25, 2008

I'm afraid I can feel it coming on this morning. It's that feeling that I'm sinking into a dark black abyss. I wish I knew what triggered these events so I could avoid them. I hate this feeling, the feeling of not being able to cope with things. I guess that's the feeling I'm having. All I want to do is nothing, just lay around in bed. Not caring about or wanting to get up. People will say 'just get up and do something it will make you feel better'.... I've got news for them... IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT. That's kinda like telling someone with cancer to take an aspirin and go about their life, it's all going to be ok. It's not going to work and we know that. It's the same with this. I just can't wish it away or work it way. If I could don't you think I would be the first to do so. I've got things I want to do but for the life of me I can't move on it. I think some of it comes form nothing more than just being lonely. There's no one to talk to and I think that plays on ones mind more than we think. One would say get out and be with people.. again that's not as easy as people thinks it is. I'm just not the kind of person that can just take up and do things by myself... I like to have others around me that I know to go and do things with. I joined a camera club hoping that would help, but it's almost like being back in high school... they have their little 'click' and they are the ones that know it all... so I stopped going to that. I for sure didn't need someone that just got their first camera a year or so ago telling me how to shoot pictures. I wish I could write I've got big plans for today, but the truth of the matter is I think the most I'm going to do has just been done. I really hate that also... life is so short and here I am sitting here.. and DON'T sit there and read this and say 'WELL JUST GET UP AND DO SOMETHING'... I've stated this before.. it doesn't work like that.. God knows I wish it were that easy. I tried yesterday to get out, but everywhere I went it just made me feel worse. What I would give to feel happy and to feel like I really belonged again.