Mom

A smile can brighten the darkest day. ~Author Unknown




Mom has been living through some very dark days these past months since Dad passed away. When I call her I can hear the pain even thro she tries so hard to put up good front I can feel the pain.

This past weekend the girls got together and we went to spend the weekend with her. I’m talking about 3 grand girls, 4 great grandkids, and me all in a very small house, but the look on Moms face when we drove up was worth all the money in the world. She was smiling from ear to ear something that I haven’t seen in a long time and I do understand. To see her smile like that… to be happy it just made my day.

I called her yesterday afternoon, like always, and she was still glowing and sounded so happy. She told me that for the first time she was able to sit down and sew. Prior days she just couldn’t stay in the house she would always find something to do outside. I know the feeling the silence can just be too much at times.


It hurts me to walk in the house and not see Dad in his chair so I can only imagine how Mom has to feel being there 24x7. Will it ever get easier? I’m not sure. I’m just thankful for the 55 years I had my Dad and what he and Mom did for me.

It’s amazing what a bunch of kids can do for you… and I’ve got to add this.. I’m so proud of my girls. Even thro they are mine and I may be a little one sided… I think they are the best in the world. Love you Melissa, Lauren, and Mary.

Switch Flipped

I remember long ago I would watch shows where the bad people would put people in a trance and while they were under they would give them a trigger word that would set there evil plan into motion. Well that was long ago and it really may be going on today, but today something set my trigger.

I was feeling so good this afternoon and then I went for ride looking for something to shoot pictures of. I’ve got a set path I go and most times I see some kind of bird or something to shoot. When I got to the boat docks and pier I was ok. All that I could find was little crabs… so I shot a few pictures.  The light where they hiding wasn’t the best, but I gave it a try.

When I started to leave it was like someone flipped a switch. All of a sudden all I could feel was emptiness. It’s the worse feeling in the world and I don’t have a clue what caused. It’s strange how one minute you’re feeling great and the next you feel like you’re in the crapper. It’s not like the place has any special meaning… it’s just a place I’ve been several times in the past to shoot pictures. Maybe the screws that I have left are beginning to turn lose and little by little the nuts are coming off.

 Just hate ending what has been a good day on a note like this.

What Really Matter...

What we remember from childhood we remember forever - permanent ghosts, stamped, inked, imprinted, eternally seen. ~Cynthia Ozick




This morning there was a big dew and Gage likes to help me feed the birds before I carry him to school, it has gotten to be part of the morning for him now. Well this morning he tracked in the most grass and stuff and I almost said something to him, but I’m so glad I didn’t. It came to me that I can sweep up the trash and before long Gage will be to big to want to help feed the birds, but I think he’ll always remember the times he did help me. The days will fly by the floors will get dirty… who cares… I don’t…I’ll just clean them after I take him to school and tomorrow we’ll do it over again.

When the kids come to my house I don’t want them to feel like they have to walk on egg shells or be afraid if they spill something. There’s so much more to life than worrying about things like that. When they come to see me I want them to be little kids. I want to hear them laugh, scream, feel free to ask for things. I want them to know at Paw Paw’s house the number one rule is just don’t do anything that can get you hurt. This is the way my grandparents where and the memories I have. I can think of no better way to honor them than by trying to be like them.

Seven year olds don’t stay seven very long and I want to squeeze as many good times in as I can.

Bad Dreams...

A dream is a microscope through which we look at the hidden occurrences in our soul. ~Erich Fromm



Last night was one of those nights where every time I closed my eyes I had dreams. The dreams were of people saying mean and hateful things and then being rejected and tossed to the side.

 I guess with little Charlie being in the hospital and then tropical storm Lee coming in just had my mind in overdrive or maybe it’s something deeper that caused this. Maybe it was the idea of failing and being left to drift alone. 

Alone… there’s times we wish to be just by ourselves --- just to sit and think or sometimes just to sit and then there’s times we’re alone and it’s like the sound silence is so loud that it hurts our very being and then there’s times were with others yet we’re all alone. It’s hard for some to image how this feels and as hard as it is for them to understand it’s just has hard for me to try to explain so I just go with the flow… I never express how I feel most days… I just keep it all inside and every now and again when I have nights like last night I just have to come here and try to write it down so I can try to get it out. 

Beauty… things I see as beauty others may see as nothing more than a mere picture, but just remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder… and through my lens I try to see the beauty in everything.

This is why my dream troubles me so… it was so ugly, so vile, and even thro it was just a dream it made me think if others could really feel this way.

I’m trying to break out and learn to find what makes me feel good. Like this picture I shot this morning. Nothing makes me feel better than being able to capture things like this… it’s something at no one can copy… it is my picture and there will never be another like it. I know most want see the beauty in it, but for the few that do…

What is a Paw Paw?

"You're more trouble than the children are" is the greatest compliment a grandparent can receive. ~Gene Perret




A Paw Paw is a Dad that is given a second chance to spend time with the most precious things God could ever give us… our children and grandchildren. Back when the girls were small things were hard… money was short and it’s like all I did was work. It’s not that the girls ever wanted for anything, but I think in a way they may have missed something… me being there more and not worrying about so much how we were going to be able to afford the next box of diapers or if there was going to be enough to pay the light bill with…



To me now being Paw Paw means being able to spend time with my grandbabies and not worrying so much about those kinds of things. It means going to the mall and being able to help the girls buy things for the kids. It’s rocking little Charlie, showing little McKenna new things, Noah calling me just to say ‘Hey Paw Paw’ and Gage playing little jokes on Paw Paw before I take him to school. It’s hearing the girls laugh and talk and most of all it’s about me loving them and them loving me.
 If it had now been for my Mom and Dad times would have been a lot worse and I’ve never forgotten that and never will. I must say they were some of the best teachers I ever had.


Yes it’s a second chance to give of my time, of myself a chance to do all the little fun things all over again with my grandkids. Today was one of those days. I went shopping with the girls and I got to spend time holding Charlie and share my milkshake with McKenna. Little things that I took for granted when Lauren and Mary were little girls. Yes, God is good and I thank Him so much for giving me my 3 girls and now all my grandchildren. I do enjoy the noise on Sunday over here… the crying, the ‘Paw Paw I want to go outside’, and all the in between.

 I must say being Paw Paw is a good thing to be and I promise I want take the job lightly.

Happiness is...

Happiness is the feeling you'refeeling when you want to keep feeling it. ~Author Unknown

I had one of those feelings today for sure. Lauren and Charlie came over for lunch today and while Lauren ate Paw Paw rocked little Charlie and he smiled at me for the first time. Then there was little McKenna… while she was in her highchair I would talk to her and make a funny face at her and she would make a funny face back. She just makes my day when she holds her little arms out for me. It will be no time and they will be like Gage and Noah… all grown up and able to do things on their own and be to big for Paw Paw to rock anymore. So I’m going to treasure each second I have with them and rock them as much as I can and maybe someday when they have grandkids they will tell them about how I would take them in my arms and run around the yard after Gage and Noah. If they can remember but one thing about me I would hope it would be that I spent time with them and enjoyed every second of if. Time is the most important thing we can give our children.

Grandchildren

The world is as many times new as there are children in our lives. ~Robert Brault



I hope I haven’t used this quote before, but if I have it’s has even more truth to me than before.


Gage started the second grade this year and is going to a church run school. What all that has to do with this is that I’m taking him to school each morning. Melissa told me that he gets up and gets ready each morning looking forward to be coming to Paw Paw’s.


What makes Paw Paw’s so special? I don’t know, but I felt the same way many years ago. To me my Grandpa’s had all the answers and they were fun to be with. Oh what great memories I have and when I get to go home and I’m driving on some of the old back roads I think about things we talked about and did.


Where does the time go? Back then it was like time stood still in ways and now days my days fly by.


I just hope the memories Gage has of our time will carry on through his life as mine has.


The picture here was taken with him this morning and we talked about it, feeding the birds and other things. Being Paw Paw is so much fun.

Grief

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland
Each morning at 7am and again at 7pm I call my Mom and I’ve been doing this ever since Dad passed away. She looks forward to my call and each morning she wants to know if I have heard form the kids… and each morning I tell her no and that I take it as no news is good news and we laugh and we talk about our day ahead of us or at night what we did. Her days are spent in an empty house - -silent now days. Dad always like to have the TV on… he loved the old shows.


The other evening I was talking to her and it just broke my heart… she was telling me about her day doing around the house and then she told me that it had been a couple of days since she had been over to the cemetery… she said “I just had to go check on Charles Ray”… it took everything in me not to lose it… After being married for what would have been 62 years June 22 I guess that need is just something you can’t let go of. I know how I still hurt and I can’t even think how bad she has to hurt. Living there in the house and seeing him everywhere and nowhere now.


Dad would always get up early and have coffee made for Mom… little things like that…


This has been on my mind the past few days and I am hoping by writing about it, it will make me feel better.

Three Years of Writting

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown


Three years of writing as of today and at times I still wonder what’s it’s all about or what it’s all for then I have days like yesterday where I spend the day with my little granddaughter and my heart is lights up and for a second a ray of sun breaks through into my heart… That one single ray light is enough to help me understand that my life has meaning and that somehow things will be ok.


I got to thinking – what if we had a “re-boot button” or maybe a “Delete key” and all we had to do was push it and all the past would be no more… with a single click all would be gone… The more I thought about it the more I realized – there’s no way I could every do this.. the past and the future are almost one and the same… what would I do without my memories of the past – the good times and the hurting times… it’s these memories that make me who I am… I just wish there was a way I could get off the guilt train and walk down the sun lit path once again, but the train seems to go faster and faster… passing station after station and all I can do is stare out the window…


Three years and many posts later… what will next year this time bring?? I’m afraid to look down that road…


The picture today kinda said it all... empty but still chased by shadows  

It was a Sat also…..

Laughter In The Rain

Childhood is the most beautiful of all life's seasons. ~Author Unknown

Today I did something that I haven’t done in a long time. I played in the rain… One may say “so what” … well it was a big thing and I was playing with 2 of the most important people in the world to me. Little McKenna and I were chasing after Noah in the back yard. To hold little McKenna and to hear her laugh in your ear… it’s the closest thing this side of Heaven to Angels singing as for as I’m concerned and little Noah running as screaming only as a little boy can do. I must say I can’t remember when I’ve enjoyed a workout more.


I can’t think of anything that warms my heart more than when McKenna sees me and holds those little arms out to me. That’s a love like none other. I want my grandchildren to have memories like I have from my childhood. Going to see Granny and Grandpaw was always a big treat even thro I got to see them all the time. Grandpaw was always ready to so fun things with and take us to real fun places… No not to Disney World or even Walmart… we would go to old stores and he would tell us to get what ever kind of candy we wanted, or we would explore an old abandoned school, or we would just ride the old county back roads.

This is how I want to be remembered… as a Paw Paw that was fun and one that loved them and wasn’t afraid to let them know it. I hope someday they will sit and tell their grandkids about the adventures we had the places we went. If they can do that then I think my time here on Earth will have been well spent.

Today I enjoy listening to Melissa telling about the summers she spent with Mom and Dad and how much she enjoyed it. Each time I hear her telling those stories it makes me smile and it keeps Dad alive in my heart.
Childhood… it goes so fast – TO FAST