Grandchildren

The world is as many times new as there are children in our lives. ~Robert Brault



I hope I haven’t used this quote before, but if I have it’s has even more truth to me than before.


Gage started the second grade this year and is going to a church run school. What all that has to do with this is that I’m taking him to school each morning. Melissa told me that he gets up and gets ready each morning looking forward to be coming to Paw Paw’s.


What makes Paw Paw’s so special? I don’t know, but I felt the same way many years ago. To me my Grandpa’s had all the answers and they were fun to be with. Oh what great memories I have and when I get to go home and I’m driving on some of the old back roads I think about things we talked about and did.


Where does the time go? Back then it was like time stood still in ways and now days my days fly by.


I just hope the memories Gage has of our time will carry on through his life as mine has.


The picture here was taken with him this morning and we talked about it, feeding the birds and other things. Being Paw Paw is so much fun.

Grief

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland
Each morning at 7am and again at 7pm I call my Mom and I’ve been doing this ever since Dad passed away. She looks forward to my call and each morning she wants to know if I have heard form the kids… and each morning I tell her no and that I take it as no news is good news and we laugh and we talk about our day ahead of us or at night what we did. Her days are spent in an empty house - -silent now days. Dad always like to have the TV on… he loved the old shows.


The other evening I was talking to her and it just broke my heart… she was telling me about her day doing around the house and then she told me that it had been a couple of days since she had been over to the cemetery… she said “I just had to go check on Charles Ray”… it took everything in me not to lose it… After being married for what would have been 62 years June 22 I guess that need is just something you can’t let go of. I know how I still hurt and I can’t even think how bad she has to hurt. Living there in the house and seeing him everywhere and nowhere now.


Dad would always get up early and have coffee made for Mom… little things like that…


This has been on my mind the past few days and I am hoping by writing about it, it will make me feel better.

Three Years of Writting

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown


Three years of writing as of today and at times I still wonder what’s it’s all about or what it’s all for then I have days like yesterday where I spend the day with my little granddaughter and my heart is lights up and for a second a ray of sun breaks through into my heart… That one single ray light is enough to help me understand that my life has meaning and that somehow things will be ok.


I got to thinking – what if we had a “re-boot button” or maybe a “Delete key” and all we had to do was push it and all the past would be no more… with a single click all would be gone… The more I thought about it the more I realized – there’s no way I could every do this.. the past and the future are almost one and the same… what would I do without my memories of the past – the good times and the hurting times… it’s these memories that make me who I am… I just wish there was a way I could get off the guilt train and walk down the sun lit path once again, but the train seems to go faster and faster… passing station after station and all I can do is stare out the window…


Three years and many posts later… what will next year this time bring?? I’m afraid to look down that road…


The picture today kinda said it all... empty but still chased by shadows  

It was a Sat also…..

Laughter In The Rain

Childhood is the most beautiful of all life's seasons. ~Author Unknown

Today I did something that I haven’t done in a long time. I played in the rain… One may say “so what” … well it was a big thing and I was playing with 2 of the most important people in the world to me. Little McKenna and I were chasing after Noah in the back yard. To hold little McKenna and to hear her laugh in your ear… it’s the closest thing this side of Heaven to Angels singing as for as I’m concerned and little Noah running as screaming only as a little boy can do. I must say I can’t remember when I’ve enjoyed a workout more.


I can’t think of anything that warms my heart more than when McKenna sees me and holds those little arms out to me. That’s a love like none other. I want my grandchildren to have memories like I have from my childhood. Going to see Granny and Grandpaw was always a big treat even thro I got to see them all the time. Grandpaw was always ready to so fun things with and take us to real fun places… No not to Disney World or even Walmart… we would go to old stores and he would tell us to get what ever kind of candy we wanted, or we would explore an old abandoned school, or we would just ride the old county back roads.

This is how I want to be remembered… as a Paw Paw that was fun and one that loved them and wasn’t afraid to let them know it. I hope someday they will sit and tell their grandkids about the adventures we had the places we went. If they can do that then I think my time here on Earth will have been well spent.

Today I enjoy listening to Melissa telling about the summers she spent with Mom and Dad and how much she enjoyed it. Each time I hear her telling those stories it makes me smile and it keeps Dad alive in my heart.
Childhood… it goes so fast – TO FAST

All God's angels come to us disguised. ~ James Russell Lowell

Yesterday I have to believe that this cloud was such an Angel. I was in my truck backing out of the drive-way and I saw this cloud and the sun shinning around it. What is so strange is the fact that for some reason I just had to get out and come back in and shoot this cloud. Maybe nothing would have happened if I had left on time like always, but just some little part just has to think… what if I had not taken the 5 minutes to shoot this picture? Maybe I’m more than a ½ bubble off center… hahaha…but sometimes things just happen and one just has to wonder why and maybe it’s nothing, but just what if it’s God sending us an Angel and it’s up to us to decide on how to act upon…



Maybe nothing would have happened if I had left yesterday if I had not taken time to shoot the picture, BUT we’ll never know for sure will we…

35 Years and Counting

July 12, 1976 was a Monday and I can almost remember every thing about it. I was twenty years old and never really been away from home and to come to Pascagoula was to say the least a very big thing. I had just taken a job at Singing River Hospital as a 3rd shift Computer Operator. Back then Computer Operators had to run the computer not just sit and watch a status board like today. Back then everything was on punch cards and it was our job to load the cards (data) into the big old slow machine to post charges, cash, payroll, and all that. Once the reports printed we had to walk them out to each department. There was none of this assigning the reports to a department printer and having it print there when finished… hahaha





It took a lot of hard work and being stabbed in the back many times, but after nine years trying to prove myself I was able to break into Programming and I never looked back. Now for over 25 years I’ve been writing reports and I must say I’ve enjoyed my job very much.


Now thirty-five years later --- I have 3 grown daughters, 3 grandsons, and 1 little princess and news of another one in February. I guess people could call me lucky, but the only lucky thing was I knew someone to that helped me get my foot in the door… it was my hard work and the willingness to go the extra mile that has gotten me to this 35 year pin.




I came to the hospital 35 years ago and didn’t know anyone--- today I can say I can’t go anywhere in the hospital without stopping to talk to a now “old” friend. Yes, God has been so good to me and I thank my Mom and Dad for being my role models for my work ethics and Jim Hatten for believing in me 35 years ago and walking out on that thin limb to help me get this job. Jim, I owe you big time.. and I thank you so much.

July 19, 2011 I received my 35 year pin from Singing River Health System and what made it for me was the fact that my little girl, Melissa was able to be there with me... I wish the Lauren and Mary could have been with me, but with 2 little ones Dad understands.. Melissa works at the hospital also.

Adventure-- Well you tell me

Middleton, WI
Sunset 07/13/2011

There’s no place like home… I got to spend almost a week in Middleton, WI last week. The weather was great and wish I would have had time to get out with my camera and just walk and shoot. I didn’t take my camera because I knew after being in class all day I would be dead tired and that was pretty much the case. The bike paths they had were great.. I wish we had the same down here and as much as possible the land was left to grow kinda wild-- the grasses and wildflowers along the paths. The trip was fun and nothing happened that would make a story… but when I got home--

 We got back in to Gulfport about 12 yesterday and to my surprise it had been raining. That was a very good thing. I had to rush home to be at Noah and Gage’s birthday party at 3:30 in Ocean Springs… No problem… so I unpacked and put my things in the washer so I could have them drying while I was at the party. Good idea.

Well when I got home I went to put something away in my bedroom and then I saw it… A SNAKE on the floor next to the wall… First thing that crossed my mind was OH NO… I’ve got to get Cody and Lucy out of here so maybe I can do something about this BIG problem. It didn't matter to me if it was a Black Mamba, King Corba, or just a Garter snake... I didn't care.. all I saw was a snake.. 


While getting them out I was looking for something to help make this snakes journey into the after life a easy trip.. if you get what I mean.. haha… when I got back there… well you know what I found.. NOTHING… he had eased off into hiding.. OH MY GOD… now I was dead tired now… I woke up at 2 Sat morning worrying the test I’ve got to take on the class and thinking about getting to the airport on time… so as you can image I was in NO mood for this… and to top it all off my air went out… I was hot and tired and was in no mood to play hide and seek with a snake. Jonathan came over to look at my air and I told him my little snake story… He helped me look under the bed, in the closet and around the room.. NOTHING… He told me just to keep the air down real low (laughing the whole time) … LOL… said I would ok… but when I asked if he would sleep in there he kinda said NO WAY… Son-in-laws… haha…


I was feeling better and had kinda made my mind up that everything would be ok.. but just to be safe I wanted a barrier around my bed… the bedroom has a tile floor thank God… so I came up with this idea… we had pulled the bed away from the wall so we could look all around.. so what I did was to get my pail and put pure bleach in it and mopped all around my bed… there wasn’t anything going to cross that line I promise… Well the bleach was so strong I had to let it dry and kinda air out before I could go to bed… I was sitting here on the computer reading Facebook updates and looking up how to get snakes out of your house. Did a lot of that….


Well Cody, my little dog, kept on wanting to go to bed… and I did also… I figured the smell had pretty much gone in the bedroom so I put him down and I saw something… OH YEAH.. my bleach done burned the old boys eyes also… I eased up and got Cody and Lucy to go outside.. all I needed was for them to see him and run him back into my room… Well when I got them out I got my good old Sears shovel… these are some good shovels … the handles must be very good OLD OAK… because I put it to the test.. I think I hid the snake so hard I busted my slab… hey at that point I didn’t care… If I could have gotten to my gun I would have shot him… but it was in the closet and I wasn’t going there… hahaha


Well let’s just say I got a good night’s sleep and I’m afraid there’s one less snake in the world today. The truth of it is – if I had seen him outside I would have never messed with him… but when he came into my house… OH NO… that was going just a bit to far for me….

Emptiness

We are always getting ready to live but never living.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

This one statement pretty much sums it up for me. I’m always making plans to do this and that-- yet the days turn into months then years and I’m still thinking about it.

I can’t explain it … it’s like a deep emptiness within me and each day it expands. I don’t mean to be so negative, but when I write it helps.


3:40pm -- update...
You never know what blessing God has for you or how it will come do ya???  Guess I worry to much about things I should not worry about... there's times I just let the emptiness over take me... I shouldn't let it... Yes God has been very good to me and I know it will all work out...  

Words Hurt

My Little Charlie is a month old today and I’m very happy to say he’s growing like a little weed I think. Lauren told me the doctor got on to her for holding him so much…. I never knew you could hold something you loved that much too much… He is loved very much by his Mom and Dad. I’m happy to say that all my grandkids are so loved and well taken care of.



Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. ~Horace


Words... (The term word may refer to a spoken word or to a written word, or sometimes to the abstract concept behind either. ~ Wikipedia) - what it doesn’t say is how “words” can hurt one. I was always taught if you can’t say something good – well then maybe it’s best to keep it to yourself. I don’t like being told how things should be done because of the fact that’s the way it was previously done …. We are our own person and we do what we feel is right within our own self. Others I’ve talked to don’t seem to have the problem or maybe they are nice enough to keep their feels to themselves. People that live in glass houses really shouldn’t be throwing rocks at others. I feel we all have a lot of glass around so what do I do it just take it and let if fester because I don’t want to hurt anyone. Yet, I hurt the most important person of all when I do this don’t I. What do I do? Well I try to forget, but for some reason my brain just loves to pick at that the scab on my heart… just like a when we were kids and we would get scraped knees… we knew if we picked at it, it was going to start hurting again, but what did we do??? Same way with my heart… it really made me feel bad to hear over and over had this wasn’t right and how it should be done. There are times I wish I could just disappear and leave all my worries and hurts behind, but this would mean leaving the things I love most, my children, and that’s never going to happen. All this just because someone couldn’t do what I was taught many years ago and that is if you can’t say something good… don’t say anything. It’s best at times to keep your ideas just to yourself.

It's just one of those days when you try to look forward and there's very limited opportunities if any… and I start to question myself… what’s it all about – what’s it all for? I’ve done everything I can and still I feel like I’m being left behind.  There are some things I never expect people to understand and maybe this is just one of them.  

 

What More Could I Ask For?

June 19, 2011 ~ Father’s Day

I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich. ~M*A*S*H, Colonel Potter

No truer words have ever been spoken… Friday I sent the day with Mary and McKenna, yesterday Gage was with me and today Melissa and the boys took me to eat that the Olive Garden. That’s where Gage wanted to take Paw Paw and that was just find with me. This afternoon I got to see Lauren and she told me all about Little Charlie. What more could a Dad ask for?


Having lost Dad in March I knew this was going to be a hard day for me, but I got to thinking of how Dad wouldn’t want me to be all down and upset. More than anything in the world he wanted us to be happy. All morning I did want to pick up the phone and call him as I always did… and he would tell all about the birds that had been coming to his feeder. It’s the little things that seem so insignificant that we remember the most. He did enjoy watching the birds and when I would talk to him he just love to tell me all the different kinds he was seeing. With this in mind this morning when I got up I went out the bayou and shot the sunrise and listened to the birds and remembered Dad…. The picture posted on this entry is from this shoot.


Moving forward… Have you ever read a book and without realizing it you were reading the words, but yet you were putting your own twist to the story? I’ve got to say I’m so guilty of this, but in life. I’ve got to read the story the way it is and not the way I think it should be. I just had to put this out there tonight… hoping I wasn’t the only person that those things like this.

Going to close tonight with a funny that wasn’t so funny at the time….

I kinda keep strange hours.. I tend to wake up around 3 or 4 each morning and most of the time there’s no going back to sleep… well this morning I did go back to sleep and had a crazy dream… In the dream I was going to shoot a wedding for my cousin… no problem… my friend Debbie, who I shoot wedding with all the time was there to shoot with me… Well I opened my camera bag and no camera… where does things like that come from… all I remember was thinking Oh S****!!! I wish I could just open my mind and let all the crazy stuff fly away… LOL

All and all it has been a great weekend… and I plan to go see little Charlie tomorrow so things are just going to get better.