Coldness in the Dark

When I saw this through the glass this morning I knew I had to capture the image.  I know to most it isn't much, but I saw something there.  The darkness, the cold, the limbs reaching out into to blackness.. I saw myself and I saw me being emotionally dead.

When does one say ENOUGH and then walks away? When does one stop fighting and just surrender?  When is it time to burry the dead and let the living carry on with the task at hand?  When? When indeed...

Last night I dreamed for the first time in many nights.  The dream woke me and there was something about it that I really wanted to remember... something to do with family or friends and I was so excited and happy, but when I got up this morning all memory of it was gone.   All I could do is remember I had a dream and there was something good in it, but like so much of me today I couldn't really recall it...
The years go by one by one they slip through our fingers... only to become memories and as time goes by the memories begin to fade and we forget things and before we know it our heart as become as stone... hard and cold.   Yes we are alive, but there's a big difference in being alive and living. 

When?

It's been one of those weeks well the past couple of weeks hasn't been real good really.  Every time I feel I'm climbing the up and about to get on top of the world, the my feet gets kicked out from under me and on my face I land once again.  A lot of it's my fault because I can't or want do something out of fear of hurting others.  It's almost like it's ok if I hurt.  There's something so wrong with this and I know it but still I allow it to happen.  

I just keep everything to myself because who wants to hear it ... there's nothing anyone can do and there's no reason to upset anyone. 

I hope soon, very soon I can begain to feel again and this time feel good for a change and longer than a week. 

Are the clouds gathering or are they breaking??

This how I feel.. not sure if things are gathering or if they are breaking.  I feel like I'm in the world of half here and half not.  I try to keep all this to myself because how could I explain it to someone when I really don't understand it myself.  All most people will say is oh you have so much to be thankful for.. I know that and it has nothing to do with NOT being thankful... for I am and I understand that, but there's got to be more to it than this.  I know that one day I'm not going to be here anymore and this fact really worries me... but there's there I can do about that fact... for it's just that a FACT.  What I don't like is the emptiness I feel now.  It's like being in a dark room where one can hear no sounds... totally void of light and sound and it cold... so cold.  When you see a crack in the wall and a little light come thru... you run to it.. only to have the door slammed on you.  

Dec 31, 2010

This was the morning sky around 6:30am... and the bad thing is I feel just as gray as the sky looks here.  I'm just not sure what to say and I for sure don't know what to do, but for some reason I just can't seem to get things together.   Just when I think the pieces are coming together I find out I've got the wrong puzzle and it was just by accident that the pieces fit.  It's like the more I try the worse it becomes and at times I just wonder about the WHOLE PICTURE.. what's real and what's not real... I do know the difference in feeling good and feeling bad.... and I'm coming to the conclusion if you feel good... give it a bit and I can almost assure you that the feel bad will be 2X worse.  Now days I've gotten where I just keep everything to myself.. it's not that my friends don't care.. it's that they just don't understand.  So I just paste on a smile or something that will pass as one and try to go about my day to day business.   Poeple are always saying 'Oh things happen for a reason'.. RIGHT... and I know where you can buy flying pigs cheap also.  I love my girls and grandkids with all my heart, but there's got to be more to life than going to work every day and maybe getting a phone call from them at night.  Sometimes the quietness over takes me and I try to defeat it, but it's like being in a blackhole... I'm pulled down into it.  Each time I try to break free the harder it pulls me... and when I do break free deep down I know that sooner or later I'll fall and each time the fall gets a little harder.    What is one to do?  Giving up isn't the answer nor is it an option... maybe the answer is to do nothing and maybe the like the seeds I'll grow a hard shell around me and then thing can touch me nor will I be able to touch anything.  I guess it's a two way street here... you can't can't have the one without the other.  Here we are on the eve of a new year and I've got so much to be thankful for and I am thankful... but yet I'm so afraid and so isolated.... I don't know what 2011 will have in store, but somewhere in the coming year I hope there's something in it for me... just a little something that I can hold one to and dream for.... I know to most this will make no sense and it's for that very reason I keep everything to myself. 

Wonder Why

Sunrise 12/29/2010 Wed

Here we are with just a few days left in 2010 and what a year.. I got a new grandbaby, McKenna and found out that I'm going to have another grandbaby in 2011. 

There's times I wonder what it would be like to be able to smile and laugh just because you're happy and for no other reason.  For some reason I can't seem to do this.  It's like happiness is a dream that when I close my eyes I can feel, but when I awake it's no longer there. 

I know none of this makes any sense to anyone but to me it's so real.

Christmas 2010

It was a cold and cloudy Christmas morning here today and then to make it worse it started to rain.  The boys, Gage and Noah were so upset because they couldn't get out and ride their new toys.  I remember being a little boy and having to stay in and it wasn't any fun that's for sure. 

I got to see little McKenna last night and I think she has grown so much.  I was talking and playing playing with her and she laughed for me.  It just made my evening.  McKenna's first Christmas... and now I've got next Christmas to look forward to Baby Russell's first Christmas.

Lauren posted it on Facebook today so now I can talk about it.  I'm so happy and excited for them.  I just know Lauren and Lane are going to be a good little Mom and Dad.  It's just a long time until July 19... not really when you think about it. 

The old house was still again this Christmas morning.  I try not to think about it but it's always there.  I guess there's no getting over it... Melissa said that Gage was calling for her about 4:30 this morning... I remember those days and looking back just how fast they went.   My baby girls... the time has slipped away from us and what old Dad would give for just 5 minutes of you'll be little again and just being my little ones.  Oh well time moves on -- I've got to look forward not backward and I'm hoping for a birght new year.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring our way. 

It has been a good Christmas and I've enjoyed it.  Would have liked to seen more of the kids, but they have their own life to lead now and I'm ok with that.  Still Dad thinks of them as my little girls oh and I always will.   

Almost Christmas

Well here we are the week of Christmas and looking back I have to wonder-- just where has this year gone. This time last year I had no idea that in 8 short months I would be getting a late Christmas gift for in July of this year I was blessed with the birth of my 3rd grandbaby.. a little brown eyed girl, who in every way looks just like her Mom.  McKenna came into our lives and heart.  She just melted our hearts and each day I enjoy hearing about the little things she has done.

Being a Paw Paw is so much fun for me... like yesterday when Noah wanted to go to Walmart and Gage didn't.  Melissa took Noah and Gage and I went Geocaching and walking down the trail I could remember the times I had with my Grandpaws and I just had to smile and think that somewhere in Haven they were looking down and smiling back.  Sometimes we try to buy things in order to get things, but the truth is it's not the things we can buy that most people want, it's the one thing that money can't buy and that's TIME.  When I asked Gage if he was having fun he would answer 'yes sir' and smile.  He was with Paw Paw and nothing else mattered to him.  It's little trips and times like this that some day he will look back on and smile and tell his little ones about as I do with him and in that telling of the story my life will go on far pass my time here on this Earth.  

Chirstmas is a time of giving that's true, but it's also about the way one gives that counts also.  I've got a dear friend at work who has given this year and thru her I've let myself open up.  She has taken on the task of seeing that one family of children will have Christmas.  She has helped me see the true meaning of Christmas again and if feels good so good to help know that Santa will be there for these children and some day I hope they will remember and pass it on to others they may not know.  

To say the least this Chirstmas is special.. but it just shouldn't just Chirstmas that we make special... each day is a gift.  

A Saturday 107 years ago

It was on this day 107 years ago that my Grandpaw Lee was born.  To me Grandpaw was a quiet easing going person that worked hard his whole life.  He never had nor did he ever want the finer things in life, he was content to live a very simple life on the farm planting cotton and having a garden.  I can still see him in the field behind a mule plowing.  I think back and wonder how on Earth he and Granny ever made it, but they did.  He sent a son to Korea to fight and over and over I play the scene out in my mind were he sees the mailman is coming up the dusty road while in the field plowing and the whole time he's wondering if there's a letter from Dad or a letter of bad news about Dad.  Then going in at lunch (while they called dinner) Granny reading the letter to him while he eats.  Then there's the part of Grandpaw that Mom has told me about after I was grown.. how he would come always check to make sure everything was ok and to make sure if one of us were sick Mom and Dad had the money to cover the charge.  Never did he spend anything on himself that I know of, but if there was something we needed I don't think he every any question if he would help.  He helped teach me to drive in an old 1949 FORD truck.  After lunch (dinner) each day he would go out on the

front porch (galley as he called it) and light up his pipe.. Prince Albert pipe tobacco... and that stuff was strong..

I think, I hope I've got some of his strong points and I do hope that I've passed some of them on to my girls.. He believed in his family... So with this being said I would like to say Happy Birthday Paw Lee.... Today would have been your 107th ... ;-)  although you are not with me in body believe me when I say you are with me is sprit...   

Holidays Once Again

Here it is Thanksgiving already... I don't have a clue where this year has gone, but it sure has gone by fast.  My Little McKenna is almost 5 months old already and Mary called me yesterday afternoon all excited telling me that she had rolled over on her own.  The little first things like that mean so much to us.  I was watching a video Sunday with Gage.. he liked looking at his Mom when she was a little girl... and so do I... it's fun a to sit and watch the video of the girls when they were small and it also kinda hurts.. it makes me think of things I really don't like to think about... TIME... and how fast it gets away from me.  I look at the Grandkids and see how fast they are growing and think how fast I'm growing older.  There's nothing I can do to stop it, but yet I can't stop worrying about it.  I can't seem to enjoy the "NOW" for thinking about the "LATER"... I know this is so crazy and if I could I would really like not to think about it.  I think the holidays have a lot to do with it... I'm off from work and all I do is sit around here. What on earth will I ever do when and if I ever retire? I'm afraid I will really go over the deep end.... hahaha ... Next Tues will be a big day for us and I'll post something about it then... Well for now I'm going to close and see if I can find anything to do today to keep my mind from going to the dark places that get me upset...

Melissa

Nov 2, 1978... Did my world ever change... and change for the better. My little girl, I've held you, rocked you, and most of all loved you. We have laughed and cried together and together we have taken first steps together of one kind or another.
Looking back all I can say is where did the years go and why did they go so fast? Thinking about this reminds me of when I would take you to preschool and we would sit and listen to Paul Harvey then you would go in... I remember the Halloween Mom was in the hospital and I tried to dress you up.... hahaha...
I remember how happy I the night you walked across the PHS football field, the night you walked across the stage at MGCCC with your Nursing degree... the afternoon I took your arm and walked you down the aisle... the afternoons you gave me 2 grandsons… and when you got your BSN from USM... A Dad never forgets these special times and this is only a few... I remember all the hugs all the times you pulled my hair because you wanted to play beauty shop... and every tug and every hug was written on my heart.
The other day Melissa, you told me that I was a good Paw Paw... and remember what I told you.. I had good teachers.. I hope that we (Mom and I) have been the kind of teachers that I learned from...
There's not day or a moment that I don't think about you and your sisters and what you mean to me.

With all my love on your special day... 
Happy Birthday..
Love,
Dad