What good are DREAMS?

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.  ~ Oscar Wilde  

There are some day’s that I feel so alive and I feel like ‘hey my dreaming is about to pay off’ then I have a crash and burn.  I hate this feeling… I am beginning to hate the fact that I even dream anymore.  The truth of the matter is dreaming helps make it through the day and dreaming is what makes sleep possible.  Dreaming about a tomorrow that deep down I know doesn’t exist yet a part of me gets excited when there’s possibility… stupid me.  What is my faith? Is it all ready written on the wall and I’m just to dump to see it or to stupid to read it or is it that I have read it and refuse to believe it… just hoping that by some chance I’m misreading it.   I’m not sure what to think and I sure don’t know believe anymore.  Should I give up - should I continue…

Justified?

Palm Sunday
April 01, 2012
When personal judgment is inoperative (or forbidden), men's first concern is not how to choose, but how to justify their choice.  Ayn Rand

People can always find a way justify their actions… at least in their own minds. Today is Palm Sunday… Jesus rode into Jerusalem guilty of nothing yet the ‘church’ said he was a criminal… how did they, the people, justify their actions? They believed what someone told them and only had half the facts and a lot of the untruths... and they put Him in prison, beat Him and put Him to death… all because they believed what they were told by others. Jesus was vindicated … His accusers, well I’m pretty sure they were tired in a much higher court and the punishment was severe.


When one goes looking to justify their actions, I’m sure they can find a reason to justify them, if on in their minds, but at what cost? Where does it end… does it matter how many may get hurt…


Just be careful before you pass judgment on someone… Just remember Jesus rode into Jerusalem on Sunday, innocent, and on Friday was nailed to a cross. I may be wrong, but I think the people that called for His death may have learned something that I believe with all my heart… what goes around comes around.

March 22-- A day I'll never forget

When someone you love becomes a memory,
the memory becomes a treasure.

~Author Unknown

How do I start, where do I start… One year ago today, March 22, 2011, I got up and came to work. It was just another Tuesday… just another day. Two days prior I had just talked to Mom and asked about Dad. Never in my wildest dream did I expect to get the call I got a year ago this afternoon. I guess it was about 5:45 – 6 pm Mom called me and I knew something was bad wrong when I answered the phone and Mom said “Will” … then she told me that she had come home and found Dad had passed away. I just went num… I felt nothing… I just walked around the house like a caged animal, unable to sit, unable to think… I guess it was a state of shock. My first thought was Lauren, she had just gotten out of the hospital from having problems caring Charlie and I was so afraid this news would cause her problems. I called Ginger and told her and told her of my concerns and she told me that she would go over and be with her and tell her… after that I called my closest friend, Chip, and told him and within 5 minutes he was over at my house to be with me.

 When I left home that Tuesday morning never did I think anything like this, but I guess that’s life. We know that things like this happen, but we never think it’s going to happen to us. One year has gone by and I call Mom twice a day… it’s so easy to take thing for granted and to think tomorrow is a given, when in fact we have no promise of the next second or the next word so to speak.

 I love going home to see Mom and spend time with her… I don’t see how she stands it. When I walk in and see Dad’s empty chair and know it’s always going to be empty my heart still breaks. Oh I hide it from Mom… I walk around outside a lot, alone. It’s has been hard, but I think it would have been harder on me if Dad had been bed ridden and in constant pain. I think of this and in a strange way it makes me feel better—well somewhat—or at least this is what I tell myself.

  Life is strange isn’t it… I can still remember things we did when I was just a little boy and he was in his prime and yet there’s things I can’t remember about yesterday. Then there’s that strange encounter we have just every now and again… maybe it’s Dad’s way of letting me know it’s all ok.. Monday night this week I had my first dream about him… he was back to the Dad I remember from years ago… strong and walking tall… not the Dad the last year of his life… frail and hardly able to get around.

  How will my end come??? I don’t know… a part of me would like for it to be like Dad… just lay down to take a nap and then there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to be alone yet I don’t want to see my girls and grandkids hurting over the fact that my time is over. I’m glad this is something I don’t have to decide.


This is for you Dad… Love ya… One Sweet Day

Dreams Gone?

A man is not old until regrets

take the place of dreams.

~John Barrymore

Today I had to visit our EPIC team to ask them to post some charges in the test hospital for a report I’m writing. Most of the people I know and have worked with for years and then there are the new people or should I say the younger employees. The whole time I was there it was Mr. Lee. I guess it’s true I’ve become one of the old employees. The ones I used to think were old when I started 36 years ago. I know how they meant it out of respect and for that I’m very grateful, but at the same time I had to take a step back and take a look at myself… and yes I guess it’s true, I am one of the older ones now. For most of them this will be there first computer upgrade, for me it will more than likely be my last. Our last big upgrade was 15 years ago and I really hope 15 years from now I’ll be retired, but at the same time I think about all the new things they will get to work on and be apart of just as I have over the years. Then I think just what do I have left to offer? As for as work I think I still have somewhat of a sharp mind to figure out the code for reports and how best to display the data, but there a part of me that just feels so empty, like there’s nothing left to give… like the dream is gone. I don’t want regrets to take over my life, but when the dreams are gone what’s left? Where do you turn, what do you do? Maybe I have become old… maybe old before my time, but there’s still a couple of dreams I like to dream about so just maybe I can hold the regrets off just a little longer.. God I hope so.

Harsh Facts

There is a fine line between dreams and reality; it's up to you to draw it. ~B. Quilliam

Making my dreams come to reality is just that a DREAM. I guess it’s time I wake up and realize the cold facts. I’ll never be the artist I dreamed of becoming. These past few weeks this fact has really been on my mind.

Do I draw the line here and just forget it all? I just don’t know… I hate giving up, but I’m just at the point were nothing seems to work… maybe I’ve been fooling myself all this time… what I see and like it’s seems pretty apparent no one else does.

Fear...

"The Weeping Sunrise"

"People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams." ~ Norman Cousins

 Oh the dreams I have, but my fears have built such a barrier around me I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over or around the wall.

There have been times I’ve tried to stop the dreaming and just go from day to day and not think about the tomorrows and what ifs. Just when I’m about ready to stop believing in my dream, there comes this little “HI”… is it the voice of hope or is it doom bidding me to give up on my dreams. To be truthful, I’m not sure.

How do I break this chain of fear so I reach out and take what I want or at least try? Oh, there’s so many that will say just do it… well to you I say, you have never walked in my shoes… if it were that easy I think I would have do it by now.


Guess I’ll just have to live in my little dream world and keep listening for that little “HI” every now and again. Who knows maybe it’s not doom, maybe it is "better days ahead" giving me a heads up.

Don't take this the wrong way.. I've very blessed... but there's things I want to be a part of that are just out of reach I feel. 

56th Trip

What greater blessing to give thanks for at a family gathering than the family and the gathering. ~Robert Brault


Yesterday marked my 56th trip around the sun. My trip this past year we went through some very sad and hard times, but we did it together. I learned a lot about my girls, just how strong they were, how one of them doesn’t hurt without the other two hurting just as bad, how if you say something about one of them you had better be ready to fight all 3 of them. What I saw was LOVE at that had no end.

Yes, yesterday was my 56th birthday… I look back as ask myself just were did the years go and how did they go so fast… I look around and I see 3 beautiful young ladies sitting at the table with me having lunch.. and I just have to smile at just how lucky I am.. to my left my oldest grandson, to my right my baby girl and my soon to be 5th grandson.. at the end of the table my only little Princess granddaughter and my youngest grandson, who just smiles at Paw Paw now… going on around my middle little girl.. the feisty one… you say something about one of her sisters and you had better get ready for an all out fight.. LOL.. and then there my oldest baby… it was only through the help of God we raised her… take about not having a clue how to take care of a baby.. we didn’t have no one clue when she was born. We did and she turned out just great. When here sisters were born 8 and 10 years later she kinda became their little Mom… where ever she went her little sisters were always in toe with her. My number 2 little man was missing yesterday… Noah was in school… but he is very special to PawPaw also…

Last night the kids had a birthday cake for me… and all the grandkids were there… It was so much fun to get on the floor and play with the kids… To hear little Charlie laugh now just makes me feel so good. Born 6 weeks early and just over 5 lbs he was so small and seeing him in the Nursery ICU, I was so afraid. Now he 20 something pounds and is trying to crawl and other than his Mom the other girl in his life is McKenna. She loves little Charlie and it’s so funny to watch her trying to take care of him.. Charlie is bigger than she is and she’s a year older… I’m just so happy that all my kids are here together and the cousins can grow up together.


The girls tell me that I’m a good Daddy.. I hope I have and am… As I said in the pass I had great teachers.. but at being a parent and now at being a Paw Paw. The time I invest today will become gold tomorrow.. I know this for a fact... My gold stash is running over from the memories I have of being a little boy and the things I did with my grandparents and Mom and Dad.


To say I had a good birthday yesterday would be an understatement… IT WAS A GREAT DAY…

Dreams Again

The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone. ~George Elliot

For some reason, I’m finding it harder and harder to sit down write. The grandkids journal in which I tried to write in every couple of days… I just can’t do it. Just not sure what the problem is, but I hope I can find it and correct it soon.

 I had another one of those dreams where I was with old friend’s night before last (Jan 17). I was with people that I knew, but at the same time I didn’t really know them. What made the dream was the laughter and talking. Sure we laugh and talk at work, but this was so different. To say the least I was upset when I awoke and realized it had just been a dream.


 Do I believe in dreams? No. I believe future is we make it and there’s no way that a dream or any person can tell me what my life is going to be tomorrow or 100 tomorrows from now. I think our future is determined by what we do this second not by the stars.


I just had to write this… I wanted to save a good memory only if it was a dream. Maybe this was the Angels coming to visit me and I just didn’t know it at the time. Whatever… I enjoyed the laugher and company and you’ll are welcome to come visit again.

What is Christmas?

Christmas Morning 2011

What is Christmas?? For me Christmas is getting to spend time with three little girls that grew into three fine young ladies, but it happened so fast looking back now. It’s now having four little sets of eyes watch every move Pawpaw makes and doing crazy things to make them laugh. It’s setting aside one day each week to take Gage to McDonalds before going to school. It’s sitting with Noah and coloring and have him tell me ‘Pawpaw you’re coloring good’. It is little McKenna crawling up in my lap wanting me to read her a book. It is little Charlie smiling at me when I talk to and watching his big blue eyes light up. Christmas for me isn’t just December 25; no this is just one day out of 365 that I call Christmas… it’s just on this day I realize need to really thank God more than I do for my gifts and they are truly that, gifts.


What is Christmas?? Well it has taken me what feels like many years to figure it out, but for me Christmas is being with those that you love and watching how they grow each day.


Merry Christmas to ALL…



A Day -- A New Life

If you want your life to be a magnificent story, then begin by realizing that you are the author and everyday you have the opportunity to write a new page. ~ Mark Houlahan



This past Friday morning this butterfly emerged from its cocoon. Its wings still wet and unable to fly I crawled up this stick and I used the sunrise as the backdrop to something special… a new life beginning.


Some would say, ‘it’s just a butterfly… so what’… I see it as much more than JUST a butterfly. There’s a lot more to this butterfly. This is my way of showing my grandson nature and just how pretty it is and just how fragile it can be. I feel if I can show them the small things in nature at an early age they too will learn to respect and look for the beauty in the simple things. Simple things may lead to complex things… who knows what they may do just because I took time to show them the little things in life.


I like to think of myself as an artist and the camera is my brush and nature is my subject. When I watch the sunrise and see more than just the sun breaking over the eastern sky… I know I’m watching something that will never be seen again and I try to but feeling into my work… I want others to feel the warm sun rays of on the foggy morning the way I did when I was shooting the picture.


I love to shoot pictures… there’s no other way to put it. It doesn’t matter if it’s a bride, birds, landscape or a bunch of dead flowers… I feel there’s beauty there and I’ve got to show it. I know most may not see what I saw, but that’s what makes it so unique; I’m looking for that one person that can say with all their heart … ‘I like it’. If everyone liked it, that would be good, but a lot to times that’s not what I’m going for.


Maybe someday I’ll hit it big and make name for my work… even then I’m going to keep on doing what I enjoy and do it the way I enjoy it… breaking a few rules here and there keeps the art alive… well to me it’s art to others it may only be a picture… when I think of a ‘picture’ I think of something not planed just a fast reaction of something you see. My sunrises I can’t plan ahead, but once I get there and see what I’ve got to work with I WORK with it. I’m always looking for that one little special thing that will make it stand out…


I just hope when you look at my work, you can see something other than just a picture... I hope you can see the handy work of God in it… I just shoot what He has allow me to see and I need to thank Him more than I do for letting me see the things I do in the way I do.


This is me and what I truly like in life. Like I’ve said before … if I’ve got a camera in my hand, I’m a pretty happy person.