My Little Drop of Water (My World)

We say good-bye to February today... I had my 55th birthday this month... and I'm hoping to have a few more... and I lost a few Great Aunts and Uncles this past month.  Like drop of rain in the picture our time here on Earth is short, but like this little drop of water, it's the beauty within us that will go on.  Enough of that...

The kids were over yesterday for lunch and at one time all 3 of the girls were standing together and to look at them and see where they are today just made me feel good.  My girls so are special to me and the grandkids -- well that goes without saying.  My little world, my little drop of water... just gets bigger and bigger...

Lauren goes back to the Dr today... she tells me that she can feel little Charlie moving now... I'm going to have 3 grandsons.. after having 3 little girls of my own.. and this means that McKenna will still be only the Little Princess and that she is.

Well I've got to get up and get moving.... it's Monday and I'm not moving real fast...what can I say...

Distorted Views

Feb 20, 2011 -- Sunday

Distorted views-- Look at this dew drop I shot this morning... the image you see is distorted and it's also upside down. How many of our lifes are like this dew drop? We live only in our little dewdrop and we can't see the outside world... sometimes it's by choice other times it's simply because we feel safe in our little drop of water and we're afraid to look at the world around us other than through our distored view... I'm so guilty of this... inside my little drop of water I'm safe and I feel I can't be hurt and I can't hurt anyone. My question is this... is this really living or is this just one day hoping for another? I'm reminded of another fact - as soon as the sun comes out the dewdrop will soon be gone... do I want I want this... to wake up one morning and realize that the sun is getting high in the sky and soon my little sanctuary and me aren't long for here? We never know which sunrise will be the last one we'll see... Somehow we need to break out of of our little safe haven and try to move forward... make more of our world than this small little drop of water.
My question is HOW?

Feb 14, 2011

Feb 14, "The Day of Love..." Love comes in many forms I guess one can say... There's the love of money, of which I would love to have a little... haha... there's the love of lovers, and the list could go on and on.  I guess at this point in my life I would have to say my kids and grandkids are the love of my life.  Then there's my what I call my art... other's may call it a waste of good time, but to me there's something more than just going out and shooting pictures of the sunrise/sunset or the landscapes. To me it's a rare love affair... when I pick my cameras up and go out to shoot I'm happy and it gives me something to look forward to… something to search for. I'm not sure how my work is looked at, but there's more to it than my just walking out on the beach or out on the pier and shooting.  I try to put emotion in my work... I want the person looking at to feel the warmth of the morning sun, hear the cries of the gulls.  Do I do it??... I don't know how others feel, but I feel something special each time I see a sunrise... I'm seeing something no one has ever seen or will ever see again and it's up to me to save the moment... Ya know maybe I am crazy… I don't know... but shooting and sharing my pictures helps me with when the night comes and everything is quite... I hate the nights...the darkness, the silence, the being alone.  So it’s my mistress Photography I share my time with and share with you what she has shown me.  Call me crazy or 1000 other names… it doesn’t matter anymore for I feel like the Mad Potter of Biloxi, George Ohr that sometime my prints will be worth something... maybe only to my kids and close friends whom I’ve shared them with… but they will be of value… not ever value carries a dollar sign… some carries a memory and a love that’s gone.      

55 -- Just a Number

Sunrise -- a new day -- never seen before and never to be seen again...




Here I am this afternoon thinking about tomorrow.. I can't believe that I'll be 55 when we see the sun set tomorrow..(I was born around 7 or 8 pm.. haha). Oh I'm not complaining about it, I'm very happy that I've made it this far and for the things I have. I don't mean the things one can buy with money.. I'm talking about my children and grand children. I'm just so happy I've got to see my girls grow-up and that I've got to hold my grandbabies. So many things that I take for granted day in and day out... this morning was one of those special days.. Gage came down this morning and Paw Paw took him to school and before he got out of the truck he gave me a hug and said 'Love you Paw Paw'... That stayed with me all day.. and the most important thing about it was he did and said it because he meant it.. The love of a child... I can't think of anything that comes close to it. They love you for who you are not for who or what you can do for them. I just hope I'm around many more years for them...


There's a ridge just up the hill that I've been fighting to get over, but as of yet I keep falling back down into the valley. Each time I get to the summit I can peek over and for a very short time I see and feel happiness and then it's back down in the valley I fall. Maybe this year will be better… I'm going to try and make it better. I just don't know where I would be without my friends and it's like each day a new one comes into view. Who knows what tomorrow will bring or what turn I may take.

Just come along with me and you can watch the sunrise thru my lens each morning God lets me shoot it.

Thanks for your support … and as I tell ya..
THE BEST IS YET TO COME..

Another Weekend

It's another weekend-- well at least it's Sunday morning.  Saturday was the longest day... or maybe it was just the fact that I just didn't want to do anything... or was that it?  There was a lot I wanted to do, but I just couldn't get up and do them.  I wanted to go the the Geocaching Meeting, but I didn't go... long story ...  The kids all had things they had to do so that took them out of the loop and I understand and I'm glad they have their own lives to lead.  Next month I'll be 55 years old... and I don't think there's anyone that really understands me or how I feel.  I'm always hearing things like 'get up and go do something'-- people just don't understand it's not that easy for some of us.  Oh there's so many things I would like to do and so many little places I would like to visit... but ya know I don't ever see it happening.  I just can't do it.. Until you've walked in my shoes don't try to tell me how I should 'just do it'... if it were that easy don't you think I would have already done it???   One of my biggest fears is something happening to me and being alone.  My boss called me to his office Friday and wanted to know if I had any plans of retiring.. we're about to get a new computer system and he wanted to make sure I was going to stay around to help bring it up... this did make me feel good... but the bad thing is and what I didn't tell him was .. what the heck else do I have to look forward to... outside work I have no life.. but I did tell him that if something came up and the hospital offered me an early out -- I would have to take it... i would be a fool not to.. I just feel like I've got so many things going on in my life and at the same time nothing... I know that makes no sense at all. but yet I may to you.   I feel like every time I start to get a hold on things my hands slip and I fall... I'm starting to get tired of falling all the time... Just getting tired of so much and just wish I could make someone understand... the weight I feel I'm carring around somethings almost crushes me... and I don't know why I carry it.... I just don't know...

Coldness in the Dark

When I saw this through the glass this morning I knew I had to capture the image.  I know to most it isn't much, but I saw something there.  The darkness, the cold, the limbs reaching out into to blackness.. I saw myself and I saw me being emotionally dead.

When does one say ENOUGH and then walks away? When does one stop fighting and just surrender?  When is it time to burry the dead and let the living carry on with the task at hand?  When? When indeed...

Last night I dreamed for the first time in many nights.  The dream woke me and there was something about it that I really wanted to remember... something to do with family or friends and I was so excited and happy, but when I got up this morning all memory of it was gone.   All I could do is remember I had a dream and there was something good in it, but like so much of me today I couldn't really recall it...
The years go by one by one they slip through our fingers... only to become memories and as time goes by the memories begin to fade and we forget things and before we know it our heart as become as stone... hard and cold.   Yes we are alive, but there's a big difference in being alive and living. 

When?

It's been one of those weeks well the past couple of weeks hasn't been real good really.  Every time I feel I'm climbing the up and about to get on top of the world, the my feet gets kicked out from under me and on my face I land once again.  A lot of it's my fault because I can't or want do something out of fear of hurting others.  It's almost like it's ok if I hurt.  There's something so wrong with this and I know it but still I allow it to happen.  

I just keep everything to myself because who wants to hear it ... there's nothing anyone can do and there's no reason to upset anyone. 

I hope soon, very soon I can begain to feel again and this time feel good for a change and longer than a week. 

Are the clouds gathering or are they breaking??

This how I feel.. not sure if things are gathering or if they are breaking.  I feel like I'm in the world of half here and half not.  I try to keep all this to myself because how could I explain it to someone when I really don't understand it myself.  All most people will say is oh you have so much to be thankful for.. I know that and it has nothing to do with NOT being thankful... for I am and I understand that, but there's got to be more to it than this.  I know that one day I'm not going to be here anymore and this fact really worries me... but there's there I can do about that fact... for it's just that a FACT.  What I don't like is the emptiness I feel now.  It's like being in a dark room where one can hear no sounds... totally void of light and sound and it cold... so cold.  When you see a crack in the wall and a little light come thru... you run to it.. only to have the door slammed on you.  

Dec 31, 2010

This was the morning sky around 6:30am... and the bad thing is I feel just as gray as the sky looks here.  I'm just not sure what to say and I for sure don't know what to do, but for some reason I just can't seem to get things together.   Just when I think the pieces are coming together I find out I've got the wrong puzzle and it was just by accident that the pieces fit.  It's like the more I try the worse it becomes and at times I just wonder about the WHOLE PICTURE.. what's real and what's not real... I do know the difference in feeling good and feeling bad.... and I'm coming to the conclusion if you feel good... give it a bit and I can almost assure you that the feel bad will be 2X worse.  Now days I've gotten where I just keep everything to myself.. it's not that my friends don't care.. it's that they just don't understand.  So I just paste on a smile or something that will pass as one and try to go about my day to day business.   Poeple are always saying 'Oh things happen for a reason'.. RIGHT... and I know where you can buy flying pigs cheap also.  I love my girls and grandkids with all my heart, but there's got to be more to life than going to work every day and maybe getting a phone call from them at night.  Sometimes the quietness over takes me and I try to defeat it, but it's like being in a blackhole... I'm pulled down into it.  Each time I try to break free the harder it pulls me... and when I do break free deep down I know that sooner or later I'll fall and each time the fall gets a little harder.    What is one to do?  Giving up isn't the answer nor is it an option... maybe the answer is to do nothing and maybe the like the seeds I'll grow a hard shell around me and then thing can touch me nor will I be able to touch anything.  I guess it's a two way street here... you can't can't have the one without the other.  Here we are on the eve of a new year and I've got so much to be thankful for and I am thankful... but yet I'm so afraid and so isolated.... I don't know what 2011 will have in store, but somewhere in the coming year I hope there's something in it for me... just a little something that I can hold one to and dream for.... I know to most this will make no sense and it's for that very reason I keep everything to myself. 

Wonder Why

Sunrise 12/29/2010 Wed

Here we are with just a few days left in 2010 and what a year.. I got a new grandbaby, McKenna and found out that I'm going to have another grandbaby in 2011. 

There's times I wonder what it would be like to be able to smile and laugh just because you're happy and for no other reason.  For some reason I can't seem to do this.  It's like happiness is a dream that when I close my eyes I can feel, but when I awake it's no longer there. 

I know none of this makes any sense to anyone but to me it's so real.