Merry Christmas 2009

Merry Christmas....

Wow.. another Christmas is here... how time does fly. It's been a good year for the most part. I was able to shoot a good many pictures for pleasure and even some for profit. I was able to buy a few new toys (100-400mm L lens) for one thing and I have enjoyed it so much.

It wasn't so long ago that by this time the house would be full for noise.. the voices of little girls screaming ... 'Look what Santa left me' it's a much different house this morning.. it's very quiet... just the puppies here. It's not a bad thing.. I've very glad the girls are happy with their own families now... My girls, how I love them... We were all together last night and watching them gave me a very good feeling... The love they have for each other and the way they care about each other just gives me such a feeling.... I guess Ginger and I did do something right... NO we did a lot right... as crazy as it may look from the outside looking in we are still a family...

I can't wait to go see the boys and see what ole Santa left them... oh the joys of having little ones on Christmas morning...

Here's wishing everyone a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS and VERY HAPPY AND BLESSED NEW YEAR..

What do they see?

Jonathan’s Dad passed away Wednesday afternoon, but Melissa did not want to upset Gage (who is only 5) so they tied to go on with life as much as possible. Thursday gage had his Thanksgiving lunch at school and I had the joy of meeting Melissa there and eating with him. Seeing the look on his face when he saw his Mom made my day and this little bit leads me into another… Jonathan, Melissa, and his Mom had to go to the funeral home Thursday even to make arrangements so Gee-Gee was keeping the boys. I went over to see Gee-Gee and talk with her about the flowers and to see the boys. Little Noah was all over me and as soon as Gage finished eating so was he. If one could bottle and sell the feeling I get from being loved like this…anyway Lauren came over to see Mom and the boys… I was holding Gage because he was tired and wanted his Mom and I looked up and Lauren had her head in Gee-Gee’s lap and that’s when I hit me…. It’s something I’ve always known, but there was just something about it Thursday night that really touched me. You never out grow Mom’s love and the need to be held by Mom no matter how old you are.


Melissa can to get the boys and I talked to her for a little and I came on home and shortly after so did Melissa and the boys. Well, I was talking to Melissa yesterday morning and she told me this story… now keep in mind Melissa and Jonathan at this point have not said anything about PawPaw Tolbert passing away… Melissa said she and Gage were talking on the ride home and Gage asked her.. Mom, who’s that man waving at us up in the sky. He has on a yellow shirt and white hair”… now remember Gage is only 5.

What today may bring

We wake-up and go about our lives,and for the most part we never think about what the day may bring or how it may end.

This fact hit close to home yesterday afternoon. Jonathan's Dad passed away suddenly at home. Jonathan has been with Melissa for so long it's like he's one of mine and he is ... I feel for them today. It's going to be hard for them and the part that hurts me the most is there's I can do to take the pain away. I think this is a Dad's worse feeling... the feeling of being helpless when it comes to our kids.

I try to make a point every day to let my kids know what they mean to me and how much I love them. I never what them to question my feelings for them if something like this should ever happen to me. They are my life and even when I'm gone from here... I will live on thru them.

Jonathan, son, there's very little I can do, but ALWAYS know I'm here for you. I'll be keeping you, Melissa, the boys. and your Mom close to my heart.

Halloween

Another month is gone.. we're heading into the Thanksgiving and Christmas season and it feels like only weeks ago we had did this.

I'm at a lost of words this morning. There's so many things going on all at once and I just can't rap my arms around it.

There was a time not so long ago I looked forward to go to work each day. It was always something new and exciting for me to do. How I wake up in the middle of the night on Sunday and dread over take me. I feel as thro I'm being used and used up... I feel as thro I'm being eased out of things, yet there isn't anyone willing to try to lean what I do. My work is just the day in, day out stuff I know.. but I don't think anyone knows just want goes on in one of my days... how many calls I get for special one time reports. No one cares yet.. but when I'm gone -- someone is going to see just what I did. Sure I would like to work with new systems and learn new things... but when it comes down to it.. it's the day to day things that will make or break...

Maybe it's the time of the year that makes me feel like this... I really don't like the holidays... I'm sorry I just can't help it...

I'm trying to ease into my business.. I'm going very slow, but I feel like that can be a good thing...I'm trying to build a rapport with the people I've worked with in hopes they will in turn show others my work and I can build from there. I'm in no rush... my goal is to trun out work that has emotions ...

I did a shoot not long ago of a new Dad with his new baby... I could see the love and also the fear in his look... not fear as one would think of it, but just being afriad of holding such a small little thing and knowing that you are responsible for this little thing... I know the feeling very well... this is what I want other to see and feel years later when they see the prints...

As I have stated before, photography is not a job for me... it's a passion ... A passion that I hope I never lose...

I hope you have a good day and that you have or will find your passion for something..

Oct...

Dates on a calendar mark the passing of our days… yet there are some days that want pass. They stay with us forever it seems and are constant reminders of the past, for good or bad. The third weekend of October is such a date… I’m reminded that it was on this weekend that we buried my Grandpaw Roberts, I remember this weekend every year that my brother Gene and I would camp out at Beauvoir and enjoy Fall Muster. Then Jeff got involved with the Sons of Confederate Soldiers and he would camp with us… The memories of those good times… Then there are still other memories that haunt me about this time…dark and cold days… I guess we all have times we would like to erase, but if erasing the bad would remove the good I think for now I would like for things to stay as they are… for now. Time does heal all wounds, but even time can heal the scar the wound left.

The coming of October means that the holidays are getting close… and there’s a part of me that can’t stand the holidays… I guess no matter how hard I try I can’t enjoy them… I know people may find this hard to understand and it’s my hope that you never understand it or even worse come to experience this feeling.

Passing of Time

Almost 2 hours has passed since I got out of bed this morning. Time that I can remember, but can never get back.

Last weekend we went up to see Mom and Dad and while we were there Gage wanted to go walking. He loves to walk down a little road while we have always called the 'Dummy Line'. Melissa, Lauren, and Mary walked with us and as we walked Melissa got to talking about how she and Granny Lee would walk up and down the old road. To me it was like yesterday that Granny was holding my hand and walking the old road with me.. that was almost 50 years ago..

So many times, I think, we take time for granted... that we are always going to have that second chance... We shouldn't feel like we have that chance.. Yesterday Gage wanted me to come over and get him... It's beginning to be a Saturday morning thing that I take him to McDonalds... and I think it's great. I like to do things with him so I asked if he would like to do this and that and finally I asked if he would like to go to the flea market in Mobile. We went over there and althro the flea market isn't one of my things I enjoyed it so much. The thing that made it so much fun was having Gage alone and just he and I talking. Don't think a 5 year old can't tell you somethings.. hahaha

We talked about school.. about the playground... about his new friends.. and the games we made up as we went.. we took the back roads this time just so we could see things and some of the things he saw... it was still pretty early and the early morning sun was shinning on the trees... Gage said something to the effect that he liked the way it looked... I may have my photography buddy after all before long. he already likes to take pictures... and I feel he has the eye for the art...

Little Noah is just my heart also... if I should ever get to the point where I feel that no one loves or cares for me all I would need is for Noah to see me. Yesterday when he saw me he came running calling out "my PawPaw" .... This is love in it's purest form.

At the end of my day I hope they will walk the same paths with their grandkids and remember the times they had with me... not for the things I got for them, but for the times I gave them.

My children.. my hope for all the tomorrows...

Black Publishers Cry Racism Over Wilson Outburst, Join Boycott of South Carolina - Political News - FOXNews.com

Why does everything have to be RACISM... From what I've read and heard Obama was lying...

Black Publishers Cry Racism Over Wilson Outburst, Join Boycott of South Carolina - Political News - FOXNews.com

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9-11 (8 years out)

Sunrise this morning 9-11-09

9-11-2001 -- Eight years ago today we watched in shock as we watched the planes crash into the World Trade Center towers. We watched as innocent workers died and then police, fireman, and EMTs lost there lives. I can not imagine what those that lived the event felt. I knew that day that the world I woke up in would never be the same and yet there are those out there that believe that the CIA has done things that they should be punished for. Not me, if anything I think they should have done more and gotten more info.. if it comes down to some terrorist or my family… well guess who is going to lose… There’s not place in battle for bleeding hearts… and we are in a battle every day and I’m all for keeping my little family safe at all cost.

On Sept 11. 2001 not only were the Twin Towers falling; things closer to me were falling also. It’s amazing how we can remember the smallest of things when there’s hurt involved. I guess it’s true what they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger..

9-11-01 – I’ll never forget that day or the days that followed… for a lot of reasons.

Needing to be loved on

To me, Lucy and Cody, are like my kids. They don't like it when I leave for work every morning, but they so excited when I get home every afternoon.

Lucy is kinda like me, middle aged now and just likes to take it easy... very laid back now. Cody still has a lot of puppy in him and is very playful and demands a lot of attention. Lucy just takes it all in stride.

Yesterday was a long day at work and I really didn't feel like being on Facebook much, so I went in the living room to watch TV. Cody was off doing what ever Cody does... but Lucy followed me as always. I picked her up and sat her by me and petted and loved on her.

I think at times we lose sight of the little simple things in life... this little simple act not only made Lucy feel good, but it made me feel good also... The act of caring for another living thing should always make us feel good.

The Old Lion is at rest

Sen. Edward M. Kennedy was laid to rest yesterday after almost 50 years in the Senate. I felt bad for his family. Losing someone is never an easy thing to go thru.

Almost fifty years in office... this shouldn't happen. If the President can only hold office for 8 why should these people be allowed to die in office. I feel like 12 years should be long enough for them.. this would give them 1 1/2 presidents.

Most people in office, like Kennedy, has never had to work for a living they have no idea how it feels to live from paycheck to paycheck to put your kids thru school. Yet they are very fast to get laws passed that tax the working people so those that chose not to work can be cared for...

I feel like it's time that the "Kennedy's" in office are sent home and new blood in brought in with the understanding-- 'you are here but for a short time'. This lust and greed for power is killing us the working people. Our so call leaders -- local, state, and national--- all lead by 'do as I say, not as I do'.... I hope I'm wrong, but I bet everyone of them is willing to sell their souls to stay in office... Special interest groups with deep pockets... buy them... then they come home bragging about what a good job they did... yet because of their bargain with the devil 100's will lost their jobs... and because they did work guess what.. there's no help for them.. oh Mr. Jones I see here you made over $12,000 this year... never mind you had doctor bills, hospital bills and the likes... that YOU, Mr Jones paid out of pocket, we can't help you.... what's right about that??

We've teaching people what?? Why work... the Kennedy's in office will take care of us... all we'll have to do is cry a little louder..

I feel like it's time the crying stops... you know I cry every time I get a paycheck and see that 35% or better is gone before I ever see it... I really don't like the idea of people living the good life off my hard work.. .

What do we do?? I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing.. .VOTING... it's only one vote, but I feel like with that one vote I have the right to complain and voice my feelings.

TGIF

I was trying to get some shots of the lighting yesterday morning, it wasn't lighing enough to get good shots... anyway...


It's Friday.... and I'm thinking ----half day work day--- Mary is coming over and I told her we would go eat and do pretty much what ever she wanted to this afternoon.

Yesterday afternoon Gage had open house at his school so Gee-Gee was keeping Noah for Melissa. Ginger called me and told me that she was keeping Noah and told me to come over if I wanted to.. I went over and Noah and I played and played.... Like all small kids they are much better when they are not together and Mom and Dad aren't around. I hate the way things didn't work out between us, but I'm so gald that we can be friends and share special little times like this with our grandchildren...

Wednesday when Melissa picked Noah up at daycare she said he was so hot they came by here to get something to drink... (you know PawPaw always has something) ....Melissa said when they drove up Noah wanted to know were PawPaw's truck was... you know PawPaw is suppose to always be home...

This boys are something... they are so much smarter than I was at their age---- WATCH IT NOW--- I CAN HERE WHAT YOU'RE THINKING--- like the other day when I took Gage to the zoo... he was telling me things about the animals I didn't think a 5 year old would know. I think it comes from the fact of what Hillary Clinton almost got right... it takes a family to raise a child .. no a village.. The time I spend with the boys I'm always asking them questions... something to make them think and to reason out... more that anything I want the grankids to some day tell their grandkids about what a silly PawPaw they had and the fun we had together as I did with my grandparents.

I'm thinking Gage may walk in my footsteps with photography.. the child likes to take pictures.. and not just pictures of people, but of things most wouldn't see. You can bet that I'm going to do what ever if he so chooses.

Well I need to get a move on this morning ... I've got a couple of reports I need to finish up before I take off at lunch... AUDITS.. you've just got to love them... NOT....that's what I'm working on is detail reports for audits...

Looks like the fog has the sun blocked this morning ...

Going Crazy???

What a day I've had... I think everyone one at the hospital want me to create them a new report today... My fingers are sore from typing so much today... hahaha

There's something going on around here.. I hope no one is trying to make me think I'm going crazy because if you were to ask anyone I work with they would gladly tell ya that I was crazy already...

When I came home yesterday a light was on and I'm sure I turned it off before I walked out the door. I remember turning the lights off and tell Lucy and Cody to stay out of trouble... Lucy will, but Cody has still got a little puppy in him so he gets into things from time to time. Well I just wrote the light being on as Mary had come by the house after she had lunch with me. I called her and she said "no Daddy, I didn't go by" OK...

This morning I was running a bit late (late for me is getting to work at 7am... when everyone else comes in at 8... that's another story) so I didn't have time to feed the birds. I had some cornbread left from Sunday that I've been putting a little out each day and there were 2 pieces left... Well I was about to wash my coffee cup and a few other things when I saw the plate with the bread gone... OK.. now I'm kinda thinking..... I was talking to Melissa and she told me that she and the boys had come by and got a drink, but they didn't move anything...

Well when the dogs jump up in the middle of the night one night and start to bark at NOTHING you can bet I want be here to write about it... hahahaha

Anyway Debbie got the pictures posted from the wedding I helped shoot from the 15th. I enjoy shooting weddings.. I like all the stress and emotions... I've been looking over the pictures and going over every shot thinking what I could have done to make better.... I've said it over and over when I stop worring about my work that's the day I need to stop... I look at some of my pictures today and some from a few years ago it's like day and night... each shoot I gain more and each shoot I push myself to do better than the last... I like looking for the simple detail that otherwise would never be seen...

I'm always the happiest when I've got a camera in my hands...

the picture is of a White Wing Dove one of many that come to my feeders... both the birds and I get something from me feeding them

What can I say??

It's amazing how things come about and the timing of these events. I guess it's been almost 3 months now that I've been getting up and shooting the morning sky and posting the picture on my Face Book page. I was doing it just for fun and the fact that I enjoyed sharing my work with others... never did I think it would draw so much attention. I've got people that work in the hospital coming up to me now talking about my sunrise pictures and how much they enjoy looking at them... I just don't know what to say... it's been great.

I got an e-mail yesterday from someone wanting me to shoot portraits of the board of directors... oh I'll do it but believe me I'll be scared to death... Give me a bride and a room full of patents and friends and I'm at ease... Guess I've shot so many weddings that it's just another shoot ... well I really don't mean it that way... each wedding to me is very special and each has it's on set of little problems... but I enjoy weddings... I like looking for that one shot that tells a story or ask a question... That's the way I shoot... I go unnoticed....

I did my first maternity shoot last year... talk about being nervous, but the pictures turned out great.... the Mom and Dad to be had me come back and do a session when the baby got came... I just worry about things when there is nothing to worry about.

I just wish I could take the worry from Gage.. bless his little heart.. I got to eat with Melissa yesterday, that's the good thing of both of us working at the hospital, and she told me Gage got up crying yesterday morning... Once he's at school he's ok, but he doesn't like to ride the bus.. PawPaw wishes he could make things all better for him.

Sunday Afternoon

It's such a pretty day today... it's cool for a change and there's not a cloud in the sky.

The Melissa and the boys come by after church to eat lunch with me and after we ate Gage and Noah wanted to play in the back yard. I went along also and shot some pictures of the bees and butterflies on the flowers.

I was going to see if Gage wanted to go over to the flea market, but before I could ask him he told me that he was going over to Gee-Gee's to go swimming... so I didn't say anything.

He and I had the best time yesterday. We didn't do a lot but Melissa told me he had fun. What more could PawPaw ask for. I remember the things I did with my grandparents and how much fun I had at their house and we never really did anything big, but they gave me something that no money could ever buy.. they gave me their time. No matter what I wanted to do they would always find a way to fit it into the day and now 45 - 50 years latter I still remember those little things we did.

On Sunday afternoons a lot of times Grandpaw would take us riding down old country roads and tell me who lived in the houses we passed... A while back, Jean, my first cousin and I were talking about a time Grandpaw took us to get some watermelons... we didn't know he HAD NOT ASKED... hahahaha... Jean laughed and said that was the best melon she had ever had.. and went we got home she told Granny about it and Granny got all over Grandpaw... This is something no amount of money could ever buy. I'm so lucky that I had Grandparents on both sides that took up time with me. They didn't tell me that maybe someday I too would be a PawPaw and this is what you should do.... No they lived it... and I hope that some how they can look down and see what they did for me... I'm now doing for my grandsons.. it's nothing special.. all I do is try to spend time with them.. talk to them and I try to listen and answer their little questions...

Being PawPaw is the 'BESTEST' job in the world and the pay... what can I say.. when they put those little arms around your neck and say 'Love you PawPaw'... what's that worth?? there's no money in the world that can buy that....

Rainy Sat morning

It's one of those rainly Saturdays outside and inside. I'm going to go get Gage in a bit so maybe once I get him I'll start to feel better.

Gage is having a problem riding the bus to school.. he's only 5 and he doesn't know anyone at the new school. Paw Paw understands how he feels so maybe I can make him forget about everything for a little while this morning.

Today - July 30 -- years ago

This is the sunrise from this morning- 07/30/2009.

It was a year ago I started this blog and I look back now and wonder where this past year has gone.

All day today I when I would look at the clock I had memories of the time on the clock from many years ago and thinking what I was doing at that time.. around 10 or so I remember washing my car... around 12 Doug made it to Moms... and so on. I can't remember what I did 10 minutes ago most times, yet I remember this date as if it were unfolding before me...

I try to let the pass go, but something’s aren't that easy to forget. Maybe this date next year will be a little easier. Here it is barely pass 6pm and all I want to do is just go to bed.

I went out on the GEO site and got some new hides and wanted to go hunting this afternoon. I even got new batteries for my GPS, but I can't get out. I can't explain it... I just don't want to do anything. I had planned on going to watch the Battle of Mobile Bay this weekend ... but the whole time I was planning it I knew I wasn't going to go. If it were possible I don't think I would ever leave the house. My friends tell me to go do things... I know they mean well, but I can't... I find no pleasure in doing anything. I don't know what's to become of me.... I'm afraid if I retire like I want to I'll really go down hill. I just don't know what I want anymore and that is a bad feeling.

Erase?

Off and on all day today my mind has drifted back to a Friday many years ago. I try not to think about the past to much, but same dates just bring things to mind.

I've wondered if it was possible to erase memories would I do it? I really don't know if I would or not.

I'm going to try and not think about it to much tomorrow, but here again some things aren't that easy to... We'll see....

Our Playing Field

I'm so tired of the playing field we have to live on... It's really amazing what some people can get away with while others are call racist.

Can anyone imagine what would have been said if President Bush had made the same comment that Barack Obama said at a White House news conference last week that Cambridge police "acted stupidly" in arresting Gates.

I’m tired of people like Gates playing the race card every time something comes up. It’s always we must not look at color, but just let something happen and boy then the color thing come into play big time. So what Gates has nearly 50 honorary degrees … hey I bet I can but the same ones online and they would carry the same weight.

We’re never going to get over the race thing because of things like this. Take a long hard look at this and you will see who the true racist is and it’s not the cops that Obama said "acted stupidly". BE SURE TO REMEMBER THOSE WORKS "acted stupidly" AND WHO SAID THEM.... and above all remember it's not about race....

33 and counting

It was 33 years ago today that I started working for Singing River Hospital as a third shift computer operator. The computer was a Honeywell 3200 and I think all the memory it had was less than 500k. Really... Those were the days...

Yesterday I shot a wedding with Debbie in Gulfport at a little place call Magnolia Plantation. We had the best time and the couple was just great... very easy going and anything we suggested they went along with it.... and some of the shots we did outside and let me tell you it was hot and never once did we hear any of the wedding party complain... I can't wait to see the pictures once Debbie get them edited and posted.

Like I was telling Debbie yesterday, anytime I'm behind the camera I'm happy. It may be shooting a sunrise at 6am or bees on flowers or something as special as yesterday....

I've had people tell me that there's no way they would shot a wedding... well me I enjoy it... you never know what the wedding will bring with it... like yesterday when Dad had his dance.. both almost started to cry... it's the little things like this I try to capture and save for all times...

I wish I could just step out and start my own business, but for some reason I just can't take that first step.. I know I keep saying I'm going to do it, but I'm afraid I'm going to wake up one morning and realize that my dream will never be because I waited to long and I've become to old..

I have a hard enough time as it is without charging people.. if I were to charge I never would do any pictures.. hahaha .... How do I get people to take me serious??... maybe if I were to set a price and I mean one at meant something that would help... that's kinda what I've heard anyway.

Oh Well ... we'll see want we....

When will this day be over?

Well I've made it almost thru the day. I don't know why, but holidays just make me feel so down. I can't stand the feeling.... I can't do anything when I feel like this. I'll be glad when Monday gets here and I can go back to work. What on earth will I ever do when I retire?

On the plus side I hear thunder and the sky is somewhat dark so maybe, just maybe we'll get some much needed rain this afternoon/ tonight.

Lauren just called to tell me they were home from the island and said the seas were bad coming in. Maybe it will move this way.

(the picture is of a cotton square)

Happy 4th of July

This is Cody keeping watch for me.

I can't believe the year is over half way gone already. I look back and wonder just where has the time gone and think I haven't done a thing this year. Well this isn't totally true... Ive stepped my photography up a bit but trying new things.

This time last month I was getting ready to shoot my cousins wedding in Pearl. I was thinking it was going to be a little small wedding... wrong... this is where I learned something also.. after shooting so many weddings with Debbie and Elaine, it's a lot easier when you have 2 people shooting. I almost worked myself to death, but I enjoyed seeing and being with family I haven't seem in years.

Next weekend this time I'll be getting ready to go help Debbie shot a wedding in Biloxi. I like it I can just go and be a worker and not have to bring all the prints home and edit and post them. I say this, but I think I really do enjoy sitting here going thru the images and remembering the special shots. I don't mean the ones where the wedding party is on the stage... when I get to work for Debbie and Elaine I'm free to look for those little special moments... a tear here a warm hug there... but I can only do this when I'm shooting for someone else.. other wise it's me that has to make sure everyone is on stage... I like the other better.. lot less stress... but when it comes down to it ... there's not a thing I don't like about photography... babies, birds, bees, flowers, weddings, sunrises / sets... you name it.

Well today what will I do... I'm afraid I've got nothing planned... other than to try to stay cool...

I'm Over it

I can't stand it anymore.. I've got to speak my mind...

I'm so tired of hearing about Michael Jackson. I'm so tired to hearing and reading what a great peron he was. What the hell... He was a singer and dancer... I don't know of one thing he did that made this world a better or safer place. What really makes me mad is when he is being made out to be some kind of hero.. People... what kind of values have we lowered ourselves to? He sure wasn't a roll model I would want for any of my kids...

What really made me upset was when the all great Obama said he was sending a personal note to the Jacksons... Did he send the family of Farrah Fawcett , or to any of the familes soldiers that were killed, but yet he can take time to send a letter to this family...

Again I ask-- were are our values??

One other thing I'm seeing is true... there's no justice in our court system. If you're a "star" you can get away with pretty much anything. I feel as if MJ had been tried as a "John Doe" he wouldn't have died at his home last Thur... he would have been locked away for the rest of his life on the charges that were brought against him. Where you see smoke there's a fire... and I feel the jury just looked the other way and was willing to let the house burn down rather than to take a stand and put the fire out.

Farrah Fawcett

I am told that we, humans that is, are the only living thing that understands that one day we will die. Sometimes that day seems to come to fast. Thursday, June 25, 2009 was one of those days. At the age of 62, Farrah Fawcett left her worldly pain behind.

In the 70’s Farrah was a TV star on one of the hottest shows on at the time… “Charlie's Angels” and then came her famous red swimsuit poster. I watched a video where the photographer was talking about the shoot that day. He was laughing and saying that he had shoot over 200 shots that day with different swimsuits and then she put on the red one… and for the background he used is old truck and to cover up some holes in it he used a blanket he had… once she posed of the shoot he said he made a couple of pictures and told her it was over… he had the shot he was looking for.. and this he did..

There was just something about Farrah, she was just a beauty. I’m afraid she will be remembered only by the 70’s group and soon she will be forgotten for ever. I guess to be remembered and have people make a big thing over you; one had to be a freak. This also happen Thursday, Michael Jackson died. One would think he had been the only entertainer on earth the way the news is playing up his death. I know what the jury said in his child cases, but I also know what money and being ‘famous” can do to a jury. If the same facts were put out in a table before a jury on some blue collar worker I believe that today that they had on Jackson, that person would never see the light of day as a free person ever again. Oh well, Thursday was judgment day…

Gone

This is kinda the way my world is now, mostly dark and void of life.

It's been a week and today is the first time I opened your door. The shock of a bear room hit me so hard it almost took my breath away.

Almost everything you took were yours, but one thing you took was my heart. Now, what's left of my heart is heavy and sad. I've cried enough to fill a river and would gladly cry it again if you would just come home where you belong.

I always thought I had raised you better than I guess I have. You have no idea of the pain that I've had... It's my hope that I live long enought for you to see what I've been trying to tell you.

As I've told you over and over... the door is always open for you to come back home. You have on I idea how I miss you and the love a Dad has for his little girl.

Love you,

Dad

What Now?

What a week.... Tues night I watch my last little girl walk across the same field her two older sisters walked across. There was so much pride and there was also a lot 'what now' in me. My little girl is growing up and it want be long she also will be out there on her own. It's as things are ment to be, but I'm sure I'll feel a since of loss.

The girls all went to Orange Beach this week and with Mary being going the old house is just that an old house. Even thro most of the time she's out and about I know that she'll be home and that when she comes home I'll hear her say 'I'm home Dad.. I love you'... then and only then can I go to sleep. Now I think that it want be long and this also will only be a memory for me to look back on.

Today I heard something again that really hit me... we were talking about Mary going to school this fall and that I would pay for it as there's no way she could get any help... (don't get me started on this), but anyway someone said that their kids had to get the money themselves... it was them that was going to benefit from going to school... and it's not this person didn't have the money.. My God.. I would and I do give my kids my last dollar.. if there's anything I can do to help them get ahead in this life I'll do it.... it's only money and I don't know anyone that takes a cent with them... not that I would have any to take anyway...

I guess tonight I'm just feeling a little down.... I'm not sure how I could explain it... I just feel like life is passing me by.... I'm alive and that's about it.... there's no LIFE...

Pascagoula High School Class of 2009

Well Mary Kathryn... your time to shine has come baby. Yesterday at church when you walked in a million things went thru my mind and all of them were about how proud of you I am.

Mary, I know high school wasn't the best time for you as friends go, but you took the high road and didn't go down the to the levels of others. I know there were times your so called friends hurt up, but you never stopped caring about them. Mary these are the very things that Bro Ben was talking about yesterday... The things that make you special.. I know something about you that everyone that has meet you and all those that will ever met will come to find out... Mary Kathryn you are very special. You have beauty on the outside that is 1000 times more on the inside. You care about people, even the ones that have hurt you. You, Melissa, and Lauren are the most caring people and I hope you will never lose this love of others.

Your Mom and I are so proud of what you've done and we look forward to see what you will do. Mary... always remember what Bro Ben said yesterday... reach for the stars... there's nothing wrong for wanting big things... dream big dreams, but always live in the real world. I know there's nothing you can't do Mary I've seen you work... You have the 'CAN DO' attitude.

One last thing Mary.. remember Bro Ben said yesterday that the pepole sitting behind you'll in church would always be there for you... There's nothing on this earth that would ever stop my loving or helping you... You just always remember the road that leads home...

Love you baby girl... Dad

Years going by

May 12, 2009 ---- 35 years (1974) ago May 12 was on a Sunday and it was Mother's Day. How do I know this.. well for me it was a big day... it was the day the class of Prentiss High School took there last look and walk as students at the school.

It's hard to believe it's been that long and tomorrow my youngest, Mary Kathryn, will all but end her years at PHS (Pascagoula High School).

These past 35 years has been full of ups and down like everyone has. I would like to look back at the old class of 74 and tell them that I made it. maybe I didn't make it as for as some, but I went further than most. Two years after walking off the football field I walked away from Prentiss to start a new life here in Pascagoula. By no means was it easy, but I did and I'm thankful to say I got three great daughters and two grandsons now.

Now with almost 33 years in at the hospital I'm looking forward to a somewhat early retirement. I can't help but look back at and wonder what happen to the all of the Class of 74. I do know that some of my class mates are no longer with us. Cindy passed away last year I was told.

To all my old class mates at PHS .... I hope your pass 35 years has been as good as mine has been.

Mother's Day 2009

I went up yesterday and spent the day with Mom and Dad. I showed Dad pictures of Cody. Dad told me that Cody looked like another little dog from a story book, but now I can't remember what he said the little dogs name was.

While I was there I tried to shoot some pictures of dragonflies. I guess if I want to do shoot theses kinds of pictures I'm going to have to get a mico set up... most of the shots were fuzzy in key places. There's times I think I should just give up.

Thinking back on Mother's Days past.. May 12, 1974 was Mother's Day it was also the day the Prentiss High class of 1974 graduated. I remember it was a very warm afteroon on the football field. I look back with amazement.... where did the past 35 years go.... and I think if I have 35 more years I'll be lucky.

I just feel my photography work isn't going anywhere. I'm beginning to think that it's not good and I'm afraid to take a job. All my life I've always lived with the idea that I'm not as good or my work isn't as good as the other persons. I just hope the girls didn't get this gene from me. This is a very bad way to feel and to live.

Well this is Mary's last few days at Pascagoula High... I think she told me that Wed will be her last day of classes.

My Baby Girl

Mary Kathryn, where has the time gone? What happen to my baby?





Mary, in my eyes you're still the little girl that I need to help, but in reality you have gown into a very pretty young lady. I'm very proud of you.





Saturday night when you came in from your last Prom you came in to let me know you were home. I asked you if you had had a good time and you told me it was the best prom... but what really touched me Mary was you thanked me... Mary you have no idea just how this moved me and meant to me. Such simple words that came from your heart. I hope from the bottom of my heart that someday you to will know and understand just what it means to be a parent and to love the love and respect of your children.




You three girls are just so special... I hope you know that and will always remember how your Mom and I tried to raise you. Looking back and seeing you'll now I think we did a pretty good job.


Love you girls so much... Dad

Photo Shoot this morning

It's Saturday morning and like every morning I'm up early.

This morning I'm going to be shooting pictures with a very special person so I've got to get a move on.

Yesterday Melissa called me on her way to work and told me that Gage was going to spend the night with Gee-Gee and he was bringing his camera. He wants Paw Paw to come get him so we could take some pictures together.

Gage loves sunrises so I hope we can get down to the beach this morning and watch the sun come up. It looks pretty cloudy this morning oh.

Maybe we'll get some shots and I'll post them... just the fact that he wants me to go with him means so much to me.

The picture this morning is Cody... I shot this last week while he was watching the birds at the feeder.

WHAT ???

Yahoo News --- 04/25/2009
An Associated Press-GfK poll taken in October 2008, just before Barack Obama won the election, found that just 17% of Americans thought the country was headed in the right direction. Today, as Obama's 100th day in office approaches, that number has jumped to 48%.

Just who did they poll?? I can get do a poll of 1000 people that can't smell and they will tell me that S*$# doesn't stink... and get figures like this... does this make it true???? I think not...

Sure if I were in the hand out line I would sing his praise also... but I WORK.. I PAY TAXES… things are not good... plants are closing over day… people that WANT to work are out of work and those that chose not to work just sit back and sing songs of joy... it's a great life... my checks keep coming in...

Things are not as good as he that thinks he can walk on water would have the foolish to believe… THINGS ARE BAD AND GETTING WORSE…

BLUE

Tonight is one of those nights where I just feel hurt. It's a hurt I can't explain. Tonight I was suppose to meet some friends at the waterfront and after I got there I had to leave. I just didn't like being around people... I never got to see them. I'll have to try to explain it Monday.

There's times I feel like I'm on top of the world and then when I try to enjoy the feeling it's like I've stepped off the world into some deep hole.

Tonight the house is so quiet..... as it is every night, but tonight it's like I can feel the silence yet as bad as it is I don't want to talk to anyone... I don't want to be alone, but yet I do want to be alone. I know this all sound so crazy.. yet it's how I'm feeling.

Most of the time all I want to do is stay home and shoot pictures of the birds.... and be alone...

I hate this feeling...

Up Early Again

Well, I'm up early again this morning. Don't let the post time fool ya... It was another 4am morning for me... hahaha

Today I'll be shooting pictures of peoples pets, dogs that is, for a benefit fund the hospital has. I've never done this kind of shoot before, but it can't be any worse than shooting a wedding or babies. hahaha I'm always ready to get behind the camera and dog show sounds like fun.. now tomorrow I may write something all together different like --- what the He@@ was I thinking when I signed on for this... hahahhaha

I just wish the weather looked better than it does this morning. I'm afraid it's going to be storming by lunch and that's when the show is to begin.

Anyway that's what I'll be doing this afternoon. With that in mind I wanted to use a picture today of Maggie. I lost little Maggie a year ago. Melissa got Maggie and then I kinda got her. She was always close by me when I was home and many years ago when I couldn't sleep she and I would go in the living room and she would be by my side while I sat and read all night. I could not have had a better friend.

Now I've got Lucy and Cody to keep me company. Lucy is like middle age and Cody is still pretty much a puppy... full of life. Cody just kills me the way he likes to worry Lucy. Lucy will roll her big black eyes around at me as to ask.. what should I do Dad? ... I tell her to jump on him... hahaha

I know a lot of people don't like dogs, but when I come home from a real bad day at work it's nice to have them meet me and to love and want to be loved on.

Well I'm going to start getting all my camera stuff together... i just hope the weather doesn't get bad this afternoon.

Maggie --- I'll always remember you little girl...

Can't Sleep

Here it is a Saturday morning and I'm up before 4am. What's wrong with this? For some reason my mind just want slow down and allow me to rest.

What am I thinking about... I'm not sure and as for as I can tell nothing really, but there's got to be a reason for these onsets. I truly wish I knew why and how to fight these feelings.

Maybe it's my little world I live in. The little world of make be leave where I have no problems and everyone is always happy and then when the real world begins to encroach into my space I'm awaken from the dream or maybe it's that I don't have this little dream world that I can escape to.

I worry about things I have no control over. I worry a lot about Mary. I think she feels like she has to be just like her sisters and in most ways this isn't a bad thing, but in one aspect I feel like she is making the wrong chocies. What do I do? I try to talk to her, but I'm afraid if I say to much it will drive a wedge between us and she will for sure be in trouble.

I feel like the kids want me to do things that I really don't feel like doing, but here again what do I do? I want them, the kids, to be happy, but at what cost to me. I hate to say it but I truly don't know what it is to be happy anymore. Oh I put on a good show, but deep down there's no spark. My friends at work talk about the fun they have over the weekends and I envy them. They don't know what they have and I hope they never will find out how it feels to lose the spark of life.

I've got so much and I'm truly thankful for it. I don't mean to sound like 'woo is me' it's not that way. I love my family and enjoy their company, but there's just things I feel they just don't understand and they don't understand how some well meaning things hurt me.

There's things I would like to do, but yet I can not seem to find 'the will' to move on it and yet I know everyday I don't is one day less I'll have to try. To me there's nothing more fun than that of being behind a camera. I can sit here for hours shooting pictures of the birds in my backyard and I think having a studio would be the greatest thing in the world, but with the way things are in the world now I dare not even try something like that. Besides it seems everyone loves my work, but only to the point to where it's worth "free".

Oh well I've sat here and went on now for almost 45 minutes with out saying anything. I guess when you're a Dad the worring never stops, as your kids get older you just worry about different things in different ways.

Very UPSET

I read something today that really upset me and I'll share it here now:

FOXNews.com
Thursday, April 16, 2009

Georgetown University hid a religious inscription representing the name of Jesus during President Obama's address there Tuesday, FOXNews.com has confirmed, because White House staff asked the school to cover up all religious symbols and signs while the president was on stage.
The monogram IHS, whose letters spell out the name of Jesus, and which normally perches above the stage in Gaston Hall where the president spoke, was covered over with what appeared to be black wood during the address.
"In coordinating the logistical arrangements for the event, Georgetown honored the White House staff's request to cover all of the Georgetown University signage and symbols behind the Gaston Hall stage," university spokesman Andy Pino told FOXNews.com.

Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League, accused the university of "cowardice" for acceding to the White House, and criticized Obama's team for asking a religious school to "neuter itself" before the president made his address.

We, the United States, will pay for this and the due date is close at hand I'm afraid. All the things the United States was built on is being torn down. Obama may talk a good game, but this act today just goes to show how he really feels. We better take a long hard look at Matthew 10:33- Jesus speaking - "whoever shall deny Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven. I would take what Fox news reported today as Obama denying Jesus and with him being the head of the goverment he speaks for all of America right? Think about it when an CEO speaks, he speaks for the company and even thro most of the employees may disagree, his words and actions are what are reflected back on the company.

When America falls and all the rich are no longer rich and in power I hope they will remember who they voted for. Obama is not and never will be the savior nor does he or will he ever walk on water as many think he already can.

Easter Sunday

Here it is Easter Sunday and true to form it's been cold off and on all week and I mean COLD some morning.

Today will be the end of Mary's last high school Spring Break. Looking back over the past 12 years I can't believe she will be a SR this year and that Gage will be starting school this fall. I told Melissa that I guess next year I would have to take the whole week off so Gage would have someone to stay with... Dang it's a bad job being PawPaw.. hahaha

Well James and Ryan are moving up within the hospital system. I'm very proud of that fact. I remember years ago trying to move up and it was like every time I tried to take a step forward some how someone would knock me back 3 steps. I kept telling both of them over and over to hang on and not to give up. It took me 9 years of hard work to make it into programming, but I did. It's kinda sad to be on the short end of things now... after almost 33 years at the hospital I see what I hope will be a long and fulfilled retirement in view, but it's still hard to give it all up... the feel of being needed (used maybe a better word). Guys, I wish you both the best of luck and if I can ever do anything for you all you have to do is let me know.

Yesterday while I was sitting here I saw this little bird, a Painted Bunting. This was the first time I had ever seen this little bird so I went to eBird to log in my sighting and to see how many times it had been spotted in Jackson Co and for this year it has only been reported 3 times. Twice by the same person and location so I guessing they saw the same bird twice. I get a lot of enjoyment out of watching the birds and trying to shoot pictures of them. One just never knows what may show it.

Also yesterday I started working in the garden. If dollar weeds were flowers I would have the best flower bed in Pascagoula. I bet I dug what felt like a 100 pounds of the weeds up yesterday and still have more to go. I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to get out of bed this morning, but some how I did... hahaha

Well I guess I've run on here long enough... long enough for Cody to eat thru my printer cable anyway... that puppy...

Another Sat morning

Here it is another Saturday and I was up by 5 this morning again.

Yesterday was Good Friday and Lauren was off and I rode with her to Mobile to get Brody cut. She wanted him to look good for the dog show next weekend. Lauren kills me... hahaha

Gage called me yesterday morning as they were coming across the high rise bridge. He was wanting me to look at the sunrise with him. He was telling me how pretty the colors were. I had to tell him that PawPaw couldn't see the sunrise down here because it was so cloudly. Some day I hope he'll tell his grandkids about how he would call me on the way to school and tell me about the sunrise he's seeing. It just makes my day when he calls me. Noah is talking more and more. Melissa and the boys come by one day last week and she said as soon as they turned on my street Noah got to saying PawPaw... hahaha

Last Saturday I helped Elaine shoot a wedding. It was very smiple and short. The wedding started at 4 and I was home before 8 and the weekend before I shot pictures at Camp Bluebird. That was the most rewarding weekend for me and next weekend I'll be shooting pictures of dogs.. hahaha the things I get myself into.

The picture for today is of Cody... my new little dog... he is so full of life. Well maybe something exciting will happen today.. hahaha

WHY?

This afternoon around 3pm I'll be waiting for a Dad to walk his little girl down the aisle and her Mom will be crying tears of joy and not so far away another Dad will be walking his little girl to her final resting place and her Mom will be crying tears of pain. The little girl was the daughter of an old friend I lost touch with may years ago, but I still remember at one time she was special and I guess we will always remember our first puppy love girlfriends / boyfriends.

When I talked to Mom last night and she told me about this I just wanted to go out and hug my girls and tell them just how special they are to me. I can't think of anything worse than losting your child no matter what their age is. I went out on MySpace and sure enought she had been there the day she passed away. What touched me was her had put her mood as "crushing,BAD " so I take it she had a boyfriend. We just never know what our kids are going thru. My heart just goes out to this family today.

Wet Friday

It's been a long morning. Storms rolled in about 3 this morning and woke me up then Cody wanted to play. Cody is my new puppy.

I'm off this morning to take part in Camp Bluebird. I've been asked to be thier photgrapher for the weekend. I just hope I can hold up. When the cancer center first opened I was assigned to it and the reports I was having to do just got to me.

Well just wanted to leave a note as I haven't written anything in a while.

I'll write about the camp later.

When your child hurts

I can think of no worst pain than that of a parent of a hurting child. It doesn't matter how old your children are or what the pain is the feeling of being helpless on my part just goes straight to my heart.

The Birds are back

Maybe Spring is almost here, the birds that flew away for winter are coming back home. Althro the Doves never left, I'm seeing more and more of them now and the Boattail Back birds at back.

Now in the evenings I hear the Doves and every morning when I'm going to work the Mocking bird is singing.

This weekned I'm going to get my Humming bird feeders cleaned and hang them out. I saw on the internet today where it's time for them to begin to show up here on the Coast. I hope to get some real good shots of the little Humming birds this year with my new lens.

I do enjoy just sitting and watching the birds.. is this a sign of age and in old age?? hahaha

I do enjoy just sitting and watching the birds.. is this a sign of age and in old age?? hahaha

Both pictures were shoot yesterday afternoon.

1000 Strike Outs

Saturday, March 7, 2009, I got to witness this young lady, Kimmie, striking out her 1000th batter.

Kimmie plays for the D'Iberville High War