What More Could I Ask For?

June 19, 2011 ~ Father’s Day

I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich. ~M*A*S*H, Colonel Potter

No truer words have ever been spoken… Friday I sent the day with Mary and McKenna, yesterday Gage was with me and today Melissa and the boys took me to eat that the Olive Garden. That’s where Gage wanted to take Paw Paw and that was just find with me. This afternoon I got to see Lauren and she told me all about Little Charlie. What more could a Dad ask for?


Having lost Dad in March I knew this was going to be a hard day for me, but I got to thinking of how Dad wouldn’t want me to be all down and upset. More than anything in the world he wanted us to be happy. All morning I did want to pick up the phone and call him as I always did… and he would tell all about the birds that had been coming to his feeder. It’s the little things that seem so insignificant that we remember the most. He did enjoy watching the birds and when I would talk to him he just love to tell me all the different kinds he was seeing. With this in mind this morning when I got up I went out the bayou and shot the sunrise and listened to the birds and remembered Dad…. The picture posted on this entry is from this shoot.


Moving forward… Have you ever read a book and without realizing it you were reading the words, but yet you were putting your own twist to the story? I’ve got to say I’m so guilty of this, but in life. I’ve got to read the story the way it is and not the way I think it should be. I just had to put this out there tonight… hoping I wasn’t the only person that those things like this.

Going to close tonight with a funny that wasn’t so funny at the time….

I kinda keep strange hours.. I tend to wake up around 3 or 4 each morning and most of the time there’s no going back to sleep… well this morning I did go back to sleep and had a crazy dream… In the dream I was going to shoot a wedding for my cousin… no problem… my friend Debbie, who I shoot wedding with all the time was there to shoot with me… Well I opened my camera bag and no camera… where does things like that come from… all I remember was thinking Oh S****!!! I wish I could just open my mind and let all the crazy stuff fly away… LOL

All and all it has been a great weekend… and I plan to go see little Charlie tomorrow so things are just going to get better.

Bigger Than Life

The human spirit needs places where nature has not been rearranged by the hand of man. ~Author Unknown


This is a follow-up from yesterday. Remember in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy, the Tin Man, Lion, and Scarecrow were all afraid of the great Oz and then Dorothy’s little dog, Toto, pulled the curtain back and exposed the Great Wizard of Oz. Well this is kinda what happened to me. I had this picture of something made up in my mind and then when I confronted it; to me it was like the curtain being pulled on the Wizard. I think sometimes it’s best to let the curtain stay closed and let the dream stay alive… for me when I saw behind the curtain, I was like Dorothy, but in her case she had nothing to fear from the Wizard… he was just a man who used smoke and mirrors to make himself bigger than life. As for me, it was me that had made this to be much larger than it was and now that idea is gone forever.

Sometimes our lives are like this vine....

Disillusion

I guess one could say I tend to live in a fantasy world or maybe a world of dreams may be a better way to put it.  I’ll be the first to step up and tell anyone and every one that I’ve got so much to be thankful for.  Little Charlie is doing well and I hope he will be home soon.  It’s my take on me and how I feel about me.  I hate it, but I can feel myself sliding right back into my dark room again and it’s not my “darkroom”.  The room I’m talking about is one that just sucks the energy out of you.  I think this goes hand and hand with the dreams I dream -- only to watch the seconds tick by and along with the minutes so goes my dreams.   You think one thing and look so forward to it and then it’s nothing it was all just an illusion of sorts.  I just feel like I’m second string in everything only getting to bat when there’s no chance for a win so they let me in just to try and make me feel better.  I was telling myself I wasn’t going to write things like this anymore, but it’s my only outlet…      

My Unseen Path

The past few weeks my path has been anything but smooth. I think of my love ones and all the pain and hurt rushes back and my heart is torn apart once again. Maybe I should find another way to try to deal with my hurt, but photography is the only outlet I know and with the use of old pictures I’ve done and ones I’ve scanned I sit here and work hours on end to put my feelings into a slideshow. It’s all I know what to do and in a strange way it helps me re-connect with what I’ve lost. What’s so funny about it, I’ll probably be the only person to every sit and watch them and this weekend I’ve watched the newest one a lot. No matter what I do I can’t get over the feeling I’m having and just feeling empty.

I’ve started to question what kind of Dad was I -- what kind of Dad am I? More than anything I want my girls to know that I love them so much and all I’ve ever wanted was only the best for them… and yes even Dad’s hurt at times and there’s nothing that can be done. Sometimes Dad’s hurt with a hurt that there’s no words to describe other than just to say my heart is heavy.


I guess with Lauren having problems and being in the hospital this weekend hasn’t helped any. When you become a Dad it’s a life long job and one I wouldn’t take anything for… it’s just when your little girl and she’s carrying your grandson you just feel so helpless. If we can keep her blood pressure down for 2 more weeks… last time the doctor was telling her -- if we could get 2 more months…


This brings me to something else that has really meant a lot to me and here again no one will ever know of this and really that’s not a bad thing. Over 37 years has passed since high school and there’s been a lot of water under the bridges. Back in high school I was just one of the many… I didn’t stand out… I was shy and had only a few close friends and all of them were younger so I really didn’t have any class friends. Fast forward 37 years or so and enter Facebook. I’ve become friends with so many classmates that I knew, but back then they didn’t have a clue about me. We’re all grandparents now--- and we do enjoy talking about the one thing we love most of all. It just makes me feel good to know that today I’m “somebody”. Someday when my photography takes off, there are a few friends I plan to give prints to just because they got to know “me” and believed in what I wanted out of life. In these past few weeks they have lent me their shoulders to lean on and never knew it, but sometimes just a simple “like” on a picture or a comment can mean so much.

“Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things. “ ~Author Unknown 

Memorial Day, A Day To Remember

“And they who for their country die shall fill an honored grave, for glory lights the soldier's tomb, and beauty weeps the brave.”  ~ Joseph Drake
How many nights do we go to bed afraid that during the night our homes will be stormed by troops from another nation? When you go to town meetings and question our leaders in government are you afraid that you will be thrown in jail? When you get in your car and drive across state lines and sit with you children and watch the sunrise or sunset on some beach, do you worry about having to have the right papers to cross from one state to another. If you’re like me you never think about all this… we just take it for granted. What we have and enjoy didn’t come without a very high price and there’s also a high price to keep what we have.


I remember my first war…(the Vietnam war) I was just maybe 10 or 12 and I remember every night on the world news the would give a count of the number of soldiers killed in a way I understood, but yet I couldn’t get my arms all the way around it. I didn’t understand all the protest at the time and I for sure didn’t understand why people were so mean and ugly to our soldiers coming home. This part I still don’t understand and I’m 55 and for the life of me there’s no way I could ever do or say to a soldier what these did. Right or wrong these boys did what they were ask by their country. They left as boys and came home old men--- young men, but well beyond their age in years.

Today we have brave young men and women fighting today… most or young and maybe never been outside their state… You know they are scared and afraid, but they do what has to be done… and I so many times never think about them and how they must feel. We need to and we need to show out support… I don’t like war and the hurt that comes with it, but until there are no humans on this Earth there’s going to be battles.

It wasn’t until I lost my Dad in March at I heard something that will forever be in my mind… as the funeral director folded Dad’s coffin flag and handed it to Mom he said ‘On behalf of a grateful nation, Thank you’… just how grateful are we… these few words has played over and over in my mind these past 2 months… on behalf of a grateful nation… I’m afraid most never think about our soldiers and what they and their families go through. Most would just as soon forget them and the ugly they are told to do… This isn’t right… and I think God we have men and women that will take on the job, but you let something or some one try to come take something away from one of these ‘I don’t care’ they would be one of the first ones to cry for the military.

To our military—THANK YOU SO MUCH for what you do and for what you stand for…. I am only one American, but you have my support… May God Bless you and your family.

How Great Thou Art!! Oh really??

Well here we are at the end of May… I cannot believe how fast this year is going by.

I got to shoot a wedding with my friend this weekend and as always we had fun and I know we did a great job. Little bride got off to a bad start… problems with her dress and a few other little things, but when it all came time it all came together and she was beautiful.

I guess at weddings, preachers just have to belittle people that had problems in a marriage and no longer can stay together. It’s not something I like either, but as we all know things happen, people change and for those that has never been down the road to pick up rocks and throw at people that’s traveled this road of hurt is just wrong I feel. If anyone thinks I like coming home each day to an empty house I’ve got some nice ocean front land for sale just north of I-20, but who am I to know anything… he’s “THE MAN” he knows everything about everything. I really think some preachers and lay people need to go back and read their Bible again… and this time maybe read John 8:7 "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." I really don’t like being looked done upon for things that have happened… and until you’ve walked in someone else’s shoes you really need to keep your comments to yourself. "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:2 … With this verse I’ll close for today, but one more thing… BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT OTHERS… as I’ve heard my Mom and Grandma say “The chickens will come home to roost”. Just think about this a bit…

Like this sunrise from one day last week.. the even the darkest clouds can't keep the sun from coming through.   This is just my take on it...

Tattered

Friday evening again and it's a very nice evening... it's a little warm outside, but we got a good rain last night.

I was just sitting here and remembered that Moss Point has there 'Last Friday of the Month" tonight in the park.  I had kinda wanted to go the first part of the week, but now --- don't think so.  Have you ever done that... make plans to do something and then when it comes time to do it... ya just back out.  I tend to do that more than I would like to think.  Just not sure what it is... I try to play it off as just to many people being there... I think it's that's there's not enough people there... well people I know that is.  I've never been one that liked to go places alone.. I always kinda like the group or at least having one person with me.  Oh well ... maybe next month and then I'm sure it will be the same thing again... haha... but I do like to think about it and plan.

I've been working on "My Coast" slideshow... I added several new slides to it from the pictures I did Tues.  I've got about a 100 slides in the show now and all of them are from Ocean Springs to Bayou La Batre and everything between.  I enjoy going down to Bayou La Batre and watching the boats go out with the setting sun... it's a nice little place to visit, I don't think I would want to live down there...

My picture here tonight... have you ever felt like this... "tattered"

Barney and Thelma Lou

May 22, 2011 -- Sunday --

This was the sunrise this morning... I never know from one morning to the next what I'll see, but each one is special. The one this morning just happened to be one of the very special ones. Wish I could have stopped it and just enjoyed it just a little longer... it was all over in less than five minutes... just a memory... like so many things we enjoy and take for granted... time does not stand still for any of us... seconds tick by becoming minutes and minutes becoming hours... before long we're left looking back as I am now at this sunrise and trying to remember everything I can about it... trying to relive a few special seconds... Now days I look at my grandkids and then at their Moms and try to remember the special times we had and try to replay them in my mind.... and all the time I'm trying to remember how did the time get by me so fast.

This afternoon after the kids left I was watching TV ... as a matter of fact I was watching "The Andy Griffith Show" and it just happened to be the one were they were having a class reunion...The Return of Barney Fife(2/3) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnPQBQgjQsc&NR=1 -- Barney finds out that Thelma Lou is going to be at the reunion and is all excited about seeing her again... when she walks in Barney is delighted to see his old flame... they dance one dance and then an old school friend takes her to meet other class members... Barney tells Andy that 'she still has it for him'.... then Thelma Lou walks back in and introduces her new husband of six weeks to Barney and Andy. The dreams Barney had all vanish in a second.

I went to a homecoming last summer and I had so looked forward to seeing everyone, but once I got there I was kinda like Barney... I just didn't fit in anymore... my dreams were shattered... things change... people change… The show this afternoon just got me to thinking about a lot of things… a lot of dreams...



Make the hurt go away

"Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever."  ~
Author Unknown


It's Mother's Day weekend and I'm going home to be with my Mom.  I know things that she doesn't want to know because she doesn't want to upset me and there feelings she has I understand oh to well, but like her I keep it all to myself because I don't want to upset her...

Lauren called this afternoon and told me that she had talked to Mom and that she broke down and told her that she couldn't stand the weekends.  I know that feeling... the week days we have things like work to think about, but the weekend there's nothing but silence.. I know I've written about this before, but there were times that the silence would just split my heart and the loneliness would flood over me...

I think this is what Mom is going through.... I wish there was some magic words I could speak and have all the hurt just go away.  I'm getting better thinking about Dad... there are still times something will come to mind and it hits me all over again... Guess we never get over it.... then of all things I think about my girls and God I don't want them to hurt like this but I have no control over it... all I can do is love them as best as I can and tell them every day just what they mean to me so when I do leave I can leave them knowing they were so special to me and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about them and smile.  

Pain...when does it go away... when will the hurting stop.  I wish there was something I could do for Mom... Tomorrow she will be excited to see me and then Sunday I'll have to leave and we'll both cry for hours...   

Things Change

"Things change. They always do, it's one of the things of nature. Most people are afraid of change, but if you look at it as something you can always count on, then it can be a comfort." ~ Robert Kincaid (The Bridges of Madison County)

Things do change and change fast is seems. It was 4 years yesterday that we lost Jeff and there's been very few days that in some way I haven't thought of him... I keep telling myself as long as we remember and keep them in our hearts  --there they will stay--.


Sometimes change is good for soul and at times change can take the life out of our souls, but one thing is for sure things will change.


As for me... I'm not sure where I stand on change... one moment I welcome it the next I cuss it... I want it, but yet I can't seem to let go of the past to embrace it. I guess one morning I'm going to wake up and realize... my life has slowly went by while I was looking for change... and the whole time change was just a breath away...

In a way I envy Robert Kincaid... and like Robert said:
"The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but glad I had them." ---

yes the old dreams were good -- I just wish I had the faith to dream new dreams now. I've gotten to were I'm afraid to dream of the future and seem to live in the past more and more... the past little bit I've noticed that I seem to be wanting to distance myself from others... even the ones I love the very most... I just don't want to feel the sting of hurt anymore...

Since Dad's death the old saying "Time heals all wounds"... well I'm not so sure... yes over time the "sting" goes away but the pain is still there. Like with Jeff... 4 years has come and gone... and the pain of losing a close cousin (more like my brother) still fills my heart...