Happiness and Sadness -- A very fine line

This was shot this morning.. and it's almost me.  It's like I'm in between the light and the dark.. The light being happy and the dark being upset. 

On one hand I'm happy and the other one I'm sad.  Being a Dad is so hard.. there's so many times I wish I could just take the hands of the clock and turn them backwards and make my girls my little girls again.  Back to a time where I could hold them in my arms and rock them and most of all make all the hurt go away. 

We all know there's all likes of love.. but one love that is so true and genuine and that is the love a child has for you. 

Lauren is learing that... Little Noah loves his Aunt Lauren without question and with her he would go to the ends of the world.  In my own way I've tried to tell Lauren that everything happens in it's own time... we can rush things.. we for sure don't know what tomorrow has in store for us... but today there's 2 little boys that loves her so much.. Gage is a little older but he still loves his Aunt La... maybe I've failed... but I really think that when the time is right everything will come together.  It hurts me so bad to see her upset... what's a Dad to do? 

What's a Dad to do?

I had lunch with Lauren yesterday and as always I enjoyed every second of if.   I know she worries about things and I feel she's afraid and what hurts me is there's not one thing I can do. 


I wish I could just put my arms around her and hold her like I did so many years ago, when Dad was able to make every thing ok. 

Questions

I really hate feeling the way I do right now.  There's nothing I want to do... like yesterday I went with Jonathan and the boys to Mobile... and I enjoyed being with them so much, but it was like a part of me just wasn't there. WHY?  I don't know if I has to do with worry or just what it could be. 

I can't get a statement Lauren told me out of my mind and most of all out of my heart.  We were talking Friday night and she said something that just made me want to pull her thru the phone and wrap my arms around her and hold her like she was my baby again. 

Like I've stated many times before when you child is upset and there's not one thing you can do as a Dad it breaks your heart and when your heart is heavy there's very little you want to do.

Another thing that has me upset is the fact that no matter what camera equipment I buy it's like it's not good enough.  I went out Friday afternoon to shoot some. Had what I was thinking was going to be great shots.. when I got back here and looked at them I was just sick.  They were not sharp.. what's up with this.. the lens I've got wasn't cheap, but yet it wasn't a prime 400L or 600L... I'm beginning to think even if I had  the prime lens would it have made a difference.. I guess I'll just have to question this one... there's no way I can go out and spend $6000 to $12,000 on a lens.    It's like the harder I try the worse I get.. what's up with that?  Then again it could just be me.. I don't know... all I know is that photography is something I love and it seems like I just can't get a break.   Maybe this is a poor choice of words... I try so hard and I never seem to make it... Maybe I should just hang it up and spend my money on other things... I can't do that... I guess I'll just keep on trying and maybe someday.... my someday will come.   

I hurt because YOU hurt

Of all a parent goes thru I think what hurts us the most is when one of babies are hurting and we can't do a thing to stop the hurt.

Yesterday Lauren called me and we got to talking about what's going on with her. It broke my heart to hear her the disappointment in her voice. I just wanted to reach in the phone and pull her to me and to hold my little girl and tell her that it's going to be ok.

I wish I had answers to all the 'whys' you've not asking, but I know they are there.   All I can say baby is that things always seem to work out.. don't give up.. don't give in... it will happen Baby... I want you to know thru all of this Daddy is thinking about you and loves you more and more each day... Dad loves his little La....  

A Visit

I write this morning more to myself than anything, because I want to remember my visit with my cousin this morning.

It was one of those dreams where those that have gone on before us come home to visit... for what ever reason Jeff came and I talked and laughed again this morning something that hasn't happened in almost 3 years now.

In my dream I was telling Jeff I needed to get a new inspection sticker for my truck.. and being the Jeff he was he started checking things to make sure everything was ok. The strange thing about it was we were in New Hebron.... the little town I grow up next to.

I'm not sure what kind of stress makes us dream about things like this, but I was happy for the visit... even thro it was just a dream.. or was it. The trees in the picture here are no longer living, but are they gone? ... really gone???

I guess people can say this or that, but no matter what people say.... there's one thing I'll say.. the visits (dreams) I have with my family members that have gone mean so much to me.. even thro they are just a dream -- I can hear the sound of their voice just as clear as the last time I talked to them. In a way the dreams leave me sad, but for a short time I am with them and I enjoy every millisecond of it.

Jeff it was just like you this morning to want to insure my truck was in top order... it was so good to see you and to talk to you and I do hope you will visit again...

My work--- My feelings

March 01, 2010 already. These past two months have just flown by... and I can't remember one thing that I've done. I feel like so many times my photos are so miss understood or that people don't see what I see... what ever the case at times this makes me wonder if I have what it takes or is it just that the right people hasn't seen my work.

Like the picture here this morning.. I shot it yesterday afternoon... I liked the way the setting sun back lit the the seed pod. Maybe it's just me and I'm really crazy... Well what ever it is I'm going to continue shooting things like this. if for no other reason I like it... and when the day is done it really only matters how I feel about my work that counts...

I've been looking at webpages of local photographers and looking at their work... and the only thing different is they are getting paid for their work... I truly feel my work is as if not better than some of theres... I just don't have the courage to step out... each time I've tried it's been a disaster in the since I work my butt off and the only prints people want are the free ones.. maybe I've got a problem with my charge scale.. maybe I've got it set to high or maybe it's to low, but when you put in hours of work on a shoot shouldn't you expect something in return.

Maybe I'm just feeling a little down this morning... that's all... oh yes I would like to make a little, but more than anything I just want to be noticed....

Yes, some of my pictures are a little different, but who wants to look at the same bird, same sunset, same pose over and over... I like to look for things that are different, things that may one say 'I never saw that before' and the whole time it's been there. I want to bring little everyday things to life.. like this seed pod... it's been there for months, but it was the setting sun lite that made me see it for the first time... little things like this are the things that I like...

There's an old warehouse around here I'm going to check out maybe this afternoon.. I can't go in, but I saw something the other evening passing by (without my camera) that just hit me.. the setting sun was streaming thru the old building and the light and dark shadows just hit me as something I must shoot and save.. How many people has passed but that old place and never seen this... again I ask you--- am I crazy... is this the beginning of the end for me??? haha... if it is I intend to jump over that edge in a big way....

I'm getting to the point to where I don't care if anyone likes my work.. I like it and I'll print it and hang it here in my house... I'll have to rotate it in and out as my house is so small and the walls are already covered.. hahaha.. Hey that's ok... I can sit and look at my work and remember the time and places... and most of all how I felt when I shot it...

I love what I do and I'm going to do what I love... and until others get onboard -- I'll ride the train alone....

Ole Miss

Ole Miss students vote to replace Colonel Reb
2/23/2010, 5:53 p.m. CST
SHELIA BYRDThe Associated Press

(AP) — JACKSON, Miss. - University of Mississippi students voted Tuesday for the school to pursue a new mascot to replace Colonel Reb, the goateed Southern gent banished from the sidelines nearly seven years ago as the school continued its move away from symbols of the Old South.



The university has taken other steps in recent years to throw off what many perceive as lingering reminders of a Confederate past. Last year, the band stopped playing the fight song, "From Dixie With Love," to discourage fans from chanting, "the South will rise again." In 1997, the school ended the waving of Confederate flags at sporting events.


-- -- When we show our pride in our HERITAGE it's called RACISM... I bet very few of you have have heard of the University Grays.. we can't teach this in school anymore...



"I think the older generations need to stop pressing their feelings about race and what happened in the past on those of us who weren't even alive then," Loy said....


--- BY GOD THERE'S SOME THAT DON'T WANT TO FORGET THE PASS AND THROW IT UP EVERY TIME THEY WANT SOMETHING... my great great great great granddaddy so mistreated .... now TODAY you own ME something because of what HE went thru... I guess this is ok for THEM.... BULL SH&$..... what's goes for one should go for ALL....

I think the new mascot sould be a jackass... it would be fitting

A note from Mom

Back on my birthday I called Mom and asked her to write and tell me about the day I was born... I got this letter today.. Mom you don't know what this means to me... ;-)

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Today is William’s birthday. He is 54 yrs today. It has been so short. I woke up about 12am and knew something was wrong. He was due March 8. I told Charles to go get Mama. I wanted her to go to with me. We took off to the hospital as soon as they came back. Dr. Holder was my doctor. Dad, Pat, Sybil and the Lee family there including Nook. Mrs. Wilma Lane was down there… she had a girl early that morning and went home that same day. They named her Gail. I lay in bed all day.. Pat said she got so angry because there weren’t doing anything for me. The pains were pretty bad, but I tried not to scare the family. They would come and peek in the door. That night the Doctor came in and said it may be the next day… I told him I couldn’t stand it that long… He asked if the pains were that bad and I said YES they are killing me.. haha -- So just like that he said let’s go! That was 9pm. They took a little 6lb 6oz baby boy to the nursery… said he was having a little trouble with his breathing. He looked like a small doll with a round head and black hair so short it looked like it was painted on his head. His eyes were black and he could look at you wondered what he was thinking. I was so scared to death of him. He was so little and sweet and smart… he said ‘me will be OK Mom'.

Charles = MY DAD

Dad = Grand Paw Roberts - Mom's Dad and Mom = Granny Roberts..

Pat = Aunt Patsy --- Sybil = Aunt Sybil --- Mom's 2 younger sisters

The Lee Family would be Daddy's Mom and Dad.. Granny and Grand Paw Lee, Uncle Carol - Dad's younger brother and Nook was Grand Paw Lee's brother...

Uncle Nook is a story all alone... a very good story I must add..

Days gone by-- Remembered

What a difference a day makes.. yesterday was clean and sunny all day.. looks like rain today.


Friday night I went to Biloxi to buy an art pen.. driving down 90 at night is so different than 6 years ago.. I guess what really upset me was passing by Beauvoir.


Well Friday night passing by the old house all those things came rushing by... it was like my mind was in overdrive.. The old house looked good, but to know I would never walk the grounds again and it hurts. Things were said, sides were drown and the battle started. Now, as it was in the 1860's, it was friend against friend. Long time friendships were severed in a flash. There's one thing they can't take from us and that's our memories for the good times. The times we stood shoulder to shoulder to defend what we felt was right...



So much of Beauvoir is now gone for me now and it's not the house I'm talking about it's the soul of the place... I've lost my feelings for it in a way, but there's still that little tingle I feel for the good times there when I pass her... I can almost hear the laughing and talking.... Good times they were.

'Old times dar am not forgotten;
Look away! Look away! Look away! Dixie Land. '


The lust for power destroyed more than Katrina....

Just me thinking

Well another work day is done.. one more day closer to payday / retirement.. The subject came up today among Chip and myself. Chip didn't relize that I could retire at anytime... I guess what got us to talking about it was he got his 15 year pin today... and I was picking at him telling him I had one more I would like to get and that would be my 35 year pin... He could not believe that this year (July) will be my 34th year with the hospital system. WOW.. 34 years with the same company and in the same department.

I like to think about leaving, but what would I do with myself? As I stated this morning it's like no one wants photos or maybe it's just my photos. When I think about this the picture here is the way I feel. Like my time with the hospital I have put my heart and soul into my work. Maybe people just doesn't understand or see what I see...

With this picture I see a broken heart... I can feel her hurt.. maybe I see things that others can't or refuse to see. I can't or would I want to make people like my work.. my work is a part of me and I wouldn't have it any other way..

I'm going to keep shooting what and how I want to shoot it... some time, some where, some how, some one will like it... That's pretty much all I want... for someone to see something that I see and not just a print...

Oh well, not sure what made me sit down this afternoon and write... maybe it's the idea that nothing last forever and just once for a second I would like to know that something I've done has touched someone.. may I dream to much... or maybe I don't dream enough.. what ever --- this is me and I can't change..