Harsh Facts

There is a fine line between dreams and reality; it's up to you to draw it. ~B. Quilliam

Making my dreams come to reality is just that a DREAM. I guess it’s time I wake up and realize the cold facts. I’ll never be the artist I dreamed of becoming. These past few weeks this fact has really been on my mind.

Do I draw the line here and just forget it all? I just don’t know… I hate giving up, but I’m just at the point were nothing seems to work… maybe I’ve been fooling myself all this time… what I see and like it’s seems pretty apparent no one else does.

Fear...

"The Weeping Sunrise"

"People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams." ~ Norman Cousins

 Oh the dreams I have, but my fears have built such a barrier around me I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over or around the wall.

There have been times I’ve tried to stop the dreaming and just go from day to day and not think about the tomorrows and what ifs. Just when I’m about ready to stop believing in my dream, there comes this little “HI”… is it the voice of hope or is it doom bidding me to give up on my dreams. To be truthful, I’m not sure.

How do I break this chain of fear so I reach out and take what I want or at least try? Oh, there’s so many that will say just do it… well to you I say, you have never walked in my shoes… if it were that easy I think I would have do it by now.


Guess I’ll just have to live in my little dream world and keep listening for that little “HI” every now and again. Who knows maybe it’s not doom, maybe it is "better days ahead" giving me a heads up.

Don't take this the wrong way.. I've very blessed... but there's things I want to be a part of that are just out of reach I feel. 

56th Trip

What greater blessing to give thanks for at a family gathering than the family and the gathering. ~Robert Brault


Yesterday marked my 56th trip around the sun. My trip this past year we went through some very sad and hard times, but we did it together. I learned a lot about my girls, just how strong they were, how one of them doesn’t hurt without the other two hurting just as bad, how if you say something about one of them you had better be ready to fight all 3 of them. What I saw was LOVE at that had no end.

Yes, yesterday was my 56th birthday… I look back as ask myself just were did the years go and how did they go so fast… I look around and I see 3 beautiful young ladies sitting at the table with me having lunch.. and I just have to smile at just how lucky I am.. to my left my oldest grandson, to my right my baby girl and my soon to be 5th grandson.. at the end of the table my only little Princess granddaughter and my youngest grandson, who just smiles at Paw Paw now… going on around my middle little girl.. the feisty one… you say something about one of her sisters and you had better get ready for an all out fight.. LOL.. and then there my oldest baby… it was only through the help of God we raised her… take about not having a clue how to take care of a baby.. we didn’t have no one clue when she was born. We did and she turned out just great. When here sisters were born 8 and 10 years later she kinda became their little Mom… where ever she went her little sisters were always in toe with her. My number 2 little man was missing yesterday… Noah was in school… but he is very special to PawPaw also…

Last night the kids had a birthday cake for me… and all the grandkids were there… It was so much fun to get on the floor and play with the kids… To hear little Charlie laugh now just makes me feel so good. Born 6 weeks early and just over 5 lbs he was so small and seeing him in the Nursery ICU, I was so afraid. Now he 20 something pounds and is trying to crawl and other than his Mom the other girl in his life is McKenna. She loves little Charlie and it’s so funny to watch her trying to take care of him.. Charlie is bigger than she is and she’s a year older… I’m just so happy that all my kids are here together and the cousins can grow up together.


The girls tell me that I’m a good Daddy.. I hope I have and am… As I said in the pass I had great teachers.. but at being a parent and now at being a Paw Paw. The time I invest today will become gold tomorrow.. I know this for a fact... My gold stash is running over from the memories I have of being a little boy and the things I did with my grandparents and Mom and Dad.


To say I had a good birthday yesterday would be an understatement… IT WAS A GREAT DAY…

Dreams Again

The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone. ~George Elliot

For some reason, I’m finding it harder and harder to sit down write. The grandkids journal in which I tried to write in every couple of days… I just can’t do it. Just not sure what the problem is, but I hope I can find it and correct it soon.

 I had another one of those dreams where I was with old friend’s night before last (Jan 17). I was with people that I knew, but at the same time I didn’t really know them. What made the dream was the laughter and talking. Sure we laugh and talk at work, but this was so different. To say the least I was upset when I awoke and realized it had just been a dream.


 Do I believe in dreams? No. I believe future is we make it and there’s no way that a dream or any person can tell me what my life is going to be tomorrow or 100 tomorrows from now. I think our future is determined by what we do this second not by the stars.


I just had to write this… I wanted to save a good memory only if it was a dream. Maybe this was the Angels coming to visit me and I just didn’t know it at the time. Whatever… I enjoyed the laugher and company and you’ll are welcome to come visit again.

What is Christmas?

Christmas Morning 2011

What is Christmas?? For me Christmas is getting to spend time with three little girls that grew into three fine young ladies, but it happened so fast looking back now. It’s now having four little sets of eyes watch every move Pawpaw makes and doing crazy things to make them laugh. It’s setting aside one day each week to take Gage to McDonalds before going to school. It’s sitting with Noah and coloring and have him tell me ‘Pawpaw you’re coloring good’. It is little McKenna crawling up in my lap wanting me to read her a book. It is little Charlie smiling at me when I talk to and watching his big blue eyes light up. Christmas for me isn’t just December 25; no this is just one day out of 365 that I call Christmas… it’s just on this day I realize need to really thank God more than I do for my gifts and they are truly that, gifts.


What is Christmas?? Well it has taken me what feels like many years to figure it out, but for me Christmas is being with those that you love and watching how they grow each day.


Merry Christmas to ALL…



A Day -- A New Life

If you want your life to be a magnificent story, then begin by realizing that you are the author and everyday you have the opportunity to write a new page. ~ Mark Houlahan



This past Friday morning this butterfly emerged from its cocoon. Its wings still wet and unable to fly I crawled up this stick and I used the sunrise as the backdrop to something special… a new life beginning.


Some would say, ‘it’s just a butterfly… so what’… I see it as much more than JUST a butterfly. There’s a lot more to this butterfly. This is my way of showing my grandson nature and just how pretty it is and just how fragile it can be. I feel if I can show them the small things in nature at an early age they too will learn to respect and look for the beauty in the simple things. Simple things may lead to complex things… who knows what they may do just because I took time to show them the little things in life.


I like to think of myself as an artist and the camera is my brush and nature is my subject. When I watch the sunrise and see more than just the sun breaking over the eastern sky… I know I’m watching something that will never be seen again and I try to but feeling into my work… I want others to feel the warm sun rays of on the foggy morning the way I did when I was shooting the picture.


I love to shoot pictures… there’s no other way to put it. It doesn’t matter if it’s a bride, birds, landscape or a bunch of dead flowers… I feel there’s beauty there and I’ve got to show it. I know most may not see what I saw, but that’s what makes it so unique; I’m looking for that one person that can say with all their heart … ‘I like it’. If everyone liked it, that would be good, but a lot to times that’s not what I’m going for.


Maybe someday I’ll hit it big and make name for my work… even then I’m going to keep on doing what I enjoy and do it the way I enjoy it… breaking a few rules here and there keeps the art alive… well to me it’s art to others it may only be a picture… when I think of a ‘picture’ I think of something not planed just a fast reaction of something you see. My sunrises I can’t plan ahead, but once I get there and see what I’ve got to work with I WORK with it. I’m always looking for that one little special thing that will make it stand out…


I just hope when you look at my work, you can see something other than just a picture... I hope you can see the handy work of God in it… I just shoot what He has allow me to see and I need to thank Him more than I do for letting me see the things I do in the way I do.


This is me and what I truly like in life. Like I’ve said before … if I’ve got a camera in my hand, I’m a pretty happy person.

Mom

A smile can brighten the darkest day. ~Author Unknown




Mom has been living through some very dark days these past months since Dad passed away. When I call her I can hear the pain even thro she tries so hard to put up good front I can feel the pain.

This past weekend the girls got together and we went to spend the weekend with her. I’m talking about 3 grand girls, 4 great grandkids, and me all in a very small house, but the look on Moms face when we drove up was worth all the money in the world. She was smiling from ear to ear something that I haven’t seen in a long time and I do understand. To see her smile like that… to be happy it just made my day.

I called her yesterday afternoon, like always, and she was still glowing and sounded so happy. She told me that for the first time she was able to sit down and sew. Prior days she just couldn’t stay in the house she would always find something to do outside. I know the feeling the silence can just be too much at times.


It hurts me to walk in the house and not see Dad in his chair so I can only imagine how Mom has to feel being there 24x7. Will it ever get easier? I’m not sure. I’m just thankful for the 55 years I had my Dad and what he and Mom did for me.

It’s amazing what a bunch of kids can do for you… and I’ve got to add this.. I’m so proud of my girls. Even thro they are mine and I may be a little one sided… I think they are the best in the world. Love you Melissa, Lauren, and Mary.

Switch Flipped

I remember long ago I would watch shows where the bad people would put people in a trance and while they were under they would give them a trigger word that would set there evil plan into motion. Well that was long ago and it really may be going on today, but today something set my trigger.

I was feeling so good this afternoon and then I went for ride looking for something to shoot pictures of. I’ve got a set path I go and most times I see some kind of bird or something to shoot. When I got to the boat docks and pier I was ok. All that I could find was little crabs… so I shot a few pictures.  The light where they hiding wasn’t the best, but I gave it a try.

When I started to leave it was like someone flipped a switch. All of a sudden all I could feel was emptiness. It’s the worse feeling in the world and I don’t have a clue what caused. It’s strange how one minute you’re feeling great and the next you feel like you’re in the crapper. It’s not like the place has any special meaning… it’s just a place I’ve been several times in the past to shoot pictures. Maybe the screws that I have left are beginning to turn lose and little by little the nuts are coming off.

 Just hate ending what has been a good day on a note like this.

What Really Matter...

What we remember from childhood we remember forever - permanent ghosts, stamped, inked, imprinted, eternally seen. ~Cynthia Ozick




This morning there was a big dew and Gage likes to help me feed the birds before I carry him to school, it has gotten to be part of the morning for him now. Well this morning he tracked in the most grass and stuff and I almost said something to him, but I’m so glad I didn’t. It came to me that I can sweep up the trash and before long Gage will be to big to want to help feed the birds, but I think he’ll always remember the times he did help me. The days will fly by the floors will get dirty… who cares… I don’t…I’ll just clean them after I take him to school and tomorrow we’ll do it over again.

When the kids come to my house I don’t want them to feel like they have to walk on egg shells or be afraid if they spill something. There’s so much more to life than worrying about things like that. When they come to see me I want them to be little kids. I want to hear them laugh, scream, feel free to ask for things. I want them to know at Paw Paw’s house the number one rule is just don’t do anything that can get you hurt. This is the way my grandparents where and the memories I have. I can think of no better way to honor them than by trying to be like them.

Seven year olds don’t stay seven very long and I want to squeeze as many good times in as I can.

Bad Dreams...

A dream is a microscope through which we look at the hidden occurrences in our soul. ~Erich Fromm



Last night was one of those nights where every time I closed my eyes I had dreams. The dreams were of people saying mean and hateful things and then being rejected and tossed to the side.

 I guess with little Charlie being in the hospital and then tropical storm Lee coming in just had my mind in overdrive or maybe it’s something deeper that caused this. Maybe it was the idea of failing and being left to drift alone. 

Alone… there’s times we wish to be just by ourselves --- just to sit and think or sometimes just to sit and then there’s times we’re alone and it’s like the sound silence is so loud that it hurts our very being and then there’s times were with others yet we’re all alone. It’s hard for some to image how this feels and as hard as it is for them to understand it’s just has hard for me to try to explain so I just go with the flow… I never express how I feel most days… I just keep it all inside and every now and again when I have nights like last night I just have to come here and try to write it down so I can try to get it out. 

Beauty… things I see as beauty others may see as nothing more than a mere picture, but just remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder… and through my lens I try to see the beauty in everything.

This is why my dream troubles me so… it was so ugly, so vile, and even thro it was just a dream it made me think if others could really feel this way.

I’m trying to break out and learn to find what makes me feel good. Like this picture I shot this morning. Nothing makes me feel better than being able to capture things like this… it’s something at no one can copy… it is my picture and there will never be another like it. I know most want see the beauty in it, but for the few that do…