Memorial Day, A Day To Remember

“And they who for their country die shall fill an honored grave, for glory lights the soldier's tomb, and beauty weeps the brave.”  ~ Joseph Drake
How many nights do we go to bed afraid that during the night our homes will be stormed by troops from another nation? When you go to town meetings and question our leaders in government are you afraid that you will be thrown in jail? When you get in your car and drive across state lines and sit with you children and watch the sunrise or sunset on some beach, do you worry about having to have the right papers to cross from one state to another. If you’re like me you never think about all this… we just take it for granted. What we have and enjoy didn’t come without a very high price and there’s also a high price to keep what we have.


I remember my first war…(the Vietnam war) I was just maybe 10 or 12 and I remember every night on the world news the would give a count of the number of soldiers killed in a way I understood, but yet I couldn’t get my arms all the way around it. I didn’t understand all the protest at the time and I for sure didn’t understand why people were so mean and ugly to our soldiers coming home. This part I still don’t understand and I’m 55 and for the life of me there’s no way I could ever do or say to a soldier what these did. Right or wrong these boys did what they were ask by their country. They left as boys and came home old men--- young men, but well beyond their age in years.

Today we have brave young men and women fighting today… most or young and maybe never been outside their state… You know they are scared and afraid, but they do what has to be done… and I so many times never think about them and how they must feel. We need to and we need to show out support… I don’t like war and the hurt that comes with it, but until there are no humans on this Earth there’s going to be battles.

It wasn’t until I lost my Dad in March at I heard something that will forever be in my mind… as the funeral director folded Dad’s coffin flag and handed it to Mom he said ‘On behalf of a grateful nation, Thank you’… just how grateful are we… these few words has played over and over in my mind these past 2 months… on behalf of a grateful nation… I’m afraid most never think about our soldiers and what they and their families go through. Most would just as soon forget them and the ugly they are told to do… This isn’t right… and I think God we have men and women that will take on the job, but you let something or some one try to come take something away from one of these ‘I don’t care’ they would be one of the first ones to cry for the military.

To our military—THANK YOU SO MUCH for what you do and for what you stand for…. I am only one American, but you have my support… May God Bless you and your family.

How Great Thou Art!! Oh really??

Well here we are at the end of May… I cannot believe how fast this year is going by.

I got to shoot a wedding with my friend this weekend and as always we had fun and I know we did a great job. Little bride got off to a bad start… problems with her dress and a few other little things, but when it all came time it all came together and she was beautiful.

I guess at weddings, preachers just have to belittle people that had problems in a marriage and no longer can stay together. It’s not something I like either, but as we all know things happen, people change and for those that has never been down the road to pick up rocks and throw at people that’s traveled this road of hurt is just wrong I feel. If anyone thinks I like coming home each day to an empty house I’ve got some nice ocean front land for sale just north of I-20, but who am I to know anything… he’s “THE MAN” he knows everything about everything. I really think some preachers and lay people need to go back and read their Bible again… and this time maybe read John 8:7 "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." I really don’t like being looked done upon for things that have happened… and until you’ve walked in someone else’s shoes you really need to keep your comments to yourself. "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:2 … With this verse I’ll close for today, but one more thing… BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT OTHERS… as I’ve heard my Mom and Grandma say “The chickens will come home to roost”. Just think about this a bit…

Like this sunrise from one day last week.. the even the darkest clouds can't keep the sun from coming through.   This is just my take on it...

Tattered

Friday evening again and it's a very nice evening... it's a little warm outside, but we got a good rain last night.

I was just sitting here and remembered that Moss Point has there 'Last Friday of the Month" tonight in the park.  I had kinda wanted to go the first part of the week, but now --- don't think so.  Have you ever done that... make plans to do something and then when it comes time to do it... ya just back out.  I tend to do that more than I would like to think.  Just not sure what it is... I try to play it off as just to many people being there... I think it's that's there's not enough people there... well people I know that is.  I've never been one that liked to go places alone.. I always kinda like the group or at least having one person with me.  Oh well ... maybe next month and then I'm sure it will be the same thing again... haha... but I do like to think about it and plan.

I've been working on "My Coast" slideshow... I added several new slides to it from the pictures I did Tues.  I've got about a 100 slides in the show now and all of them are from Ocean Springs to Bayou La Batre and everything between.  I enjoy going down to Bayou La Batre and watching the boats go out with the setting sun... it's a nice little place to visit, I don't think I would want to live down there...

My picture here tonight... have you ever felt like this... "tattered"

Barney and Thelma Lou

May 22, 2011 -- Sunday --

This was the sunrise this morning... I never know from one morning to the next what I'll see, but each one is special. The one this morning just happened to be one of the very special ones. Wish I could have stopped it and just enjoyed it just a little longer... it was all over in less than five minutes... just a memory... like so many things we enjoy and take for granted... time does not stand still for any of us... seconds tick by becoming minutes and minutes becoming hours... before long we're left looking back as I am now at this sunrise and trying to remember everything I can about it... trying to relive a few special seconds... Now days I look at my grandkids and then at their Moms and try to remember the special times we had and try to replay them in my mind.... and all the time I'm trying to remember how did the time get by me so fast.

This afternoon after the kids left I was watching TV ... as a matter of fact I was watching "The Andy Griffith Show" and it just happened to be the one were they were having a class reunion...The Return of Barney Fife(2/3) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnPQBQgjQsc&NR=1 -- Barney finds out that Thelma Lou is going to be at the reunion and is all excited about seeing her again... when she walks in Barney is delighted to see his old flame... they dance one dance and then an old school friend takes her to meet other class members... Barney tells Andy that 'she still has it for him'.... then Thelma Lou walks back in and introduces her new husband of six weeks to Barney and Andy. The dreams Barney had all vanish in a second.

I went to a homecoming last summer and I had so looked forward to seeing everyone, but once I got there I was kinda like Barney... I just didn't fit in anymore... my dreams were shattered... things change... people change… The show this afternoon just got me to thinking about a lot of things… a lot of dreams...



Make the hurt go away

"Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever."  ~
Author Unknown


It's Mother's Day weekend and I'm going home to be with my Mom.  I know things that she doesn't want to know because she doesn't want to upset me and there feelings she has I understand oh to well, but like her I keep it all to myself because I don't want to upset her...

Lauren called this afternoon and told me that she had talked to Mom and that she broke down and told her that she couldn't stand the weekends.  I know that feeling... the week days we have things like work to think about, but the weekend there's nothing but silence.. I know I've written about this before, but there were times that the silence would just split my heart and the loneliness would flood over me...

I think this is what Mom is going through.... I wish there was some magic words I could speak and have all the hurt just go away.  I'm getting better thinking about Dad... there are still times something will come to mind and it hits me all over again... Guess we never get over it.... then of all things I think about my girls and God I don't want them to hurt like this but I have no control over it... all I can do is love them as best as I can and tell them every day just what they mean to me so when I do leave I can leave them knowing they were so special to me and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about them and smile.  

Pain...when does it go away... when will the hurting stop.  I wish there was something I could do for Mom... Tomorrow she will be excited to see me and then Sunday I'll have to leave and we'll both cry for hours...   

Things Change

"Things change. They always do, it's one of the things of nature. Most people are afraid of change, but if you look at it as something you can always count on, then it can be a comfort." ~ Robert Kincaid (The Bridges of Madison County)

Things do change and change fast is seems. It was 4 years yesterday that we lost Jeff and there's been very few days that in some way I haven't thought of him... I keep telling myself as long as we remember and keep them in our hearts  --there they will stay--.


Sometimes change is good for soul and at times change can take the life out of our souls, but one thing is for sure things will change.


As for me... I'm not sure where I stand on change... one moment I welcome it the next I cuss it... I want it, but yet I can't seem to let go of the past to embrace it. I guess one morning I'm going to wake up and realize... my life has slowly went by while I was looking for change... and the whole time change was just a breath away...

In a way I envy Robert Kincaid... and like Robert said:
"The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but glad I had them." ---

yes the old dreams were good -- I just wish I had the faith to dream new dreams now. I've gotten to were I'm afraid to dream of the future and seem to live in the past more and more... the past little bit I've noticed that I seem to be wanting to distance myself from others... even the ones I love the very most... I just don't want to feel the sting of hurt anymore...

Since Dad's death the old saying "Time heals all wounds"... well I'm not so sure... yes over time the "sting" goes away but the pain is still there. Like with Jeff... 4 years has come and gone... and the pain of losing a close cousin (more like my brother) still fills my heart...

Wilted Soul...

It's Thursday afternoon and I'm just beat... It's not that things at work has been that bad... it's just a tired I can't seem to get over... it's like my very soul has just wilted and dried up.   I've gotten to the point that I don't even know what I want anymore... it's not that I want to give up... I can't explain it this afternoon as bad as I need to I'm finding it so hard to put words to it today.  I'm feeling like 'what's the use?'... 'when will it be my turn to have something' to 'get a break'...

I'm just not getting anywhere here this afternoon... kinda the story of my life now days... I just want to feel good again... to laugh and enjoy life... my hurt is on many levels... so don't try to say this or that... and time isn't a friend... I don't care what anyone saids...  

I hope if anyone reads this they want understand... for if they do I know they to are hurting also... and that's something I wish for no one....

The Heart of a Child

The sunrise this morning, April 15, 2011. I was just about to leave for work and looked out and saw this shot. I know I've said it before and will more than likely do it again many times, but I try to see things that others miss... anyway..

The sunrise here is like that of a child's love... even the dark and fog cannot keep their love from shining through...

This afternoon I was sitting here going through the papers on my desk trying to clean it off some, but I think that's going to be a lost cause also... and came across a little note a very special little boy left for me. It was written on one of my darkest days by someone that loves me without question and to him I can do no wrong. The little note was written on a piece of a pocket tablet and said this.... Melissa had come over to check on Lucy and Cody for me.. I was with Mom and Gene taking care of Dad's arrangements.

"From Gage" (with 2 sad faces one small and one larger) "I (drawn heart) you" ---- On the note there were 3 or 4 pieces of clover he had picked as flowers and put on the note.

To say he understood everything I would have to say not really, but he did understand that his Mom and Paw Paw were upset and in his little way he wanted to let Paw Paw know when I got back home he was thinking about me.


Melissa said that when Noah got upset she had him wipe the tears from her eyes and this helped him. A child’s heart is so full of pure love.. I do think they learn how to love from us... and here they were returning love to us in their own way... while trying to figure out just what’s going on with Mom and everyone else.


Hillary Clinton liked to say it took a village to raise a child... I think that's what's wrong today, to many people that's not family... It takes a FAMILY to raise a child... to teach them, but more over to show them how to love... These two little boys 6 and 3 have touched me in ways that just go beyond words. When they tell me they love me and hug me… they mean it with all their little hearts...

Being PawPaw is the best thing in the world and I leaned it from the BEST... you're missed so much Dad...

The Shroud of Silence

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal. ~Author Unknown



Beyond the clouds the sun still shines, but for me here on Earth my heart is covered with dark clouds.  I went home this past weekend to check on Mom and Gene to say it was hard would somehow be an understatement.  I could see the hurt in Mom's face and my heart would almost fall apart, but somehow I kept it all together for the most part.  I just wanted to hold Mom and cry with her, but I tried to keep a happy face as much as possible. 

In a way I know how Mom feels... the silence... that's got to be one of the worse things I've ever felt... when just days before there was sound and now there's just that dreadful silence...

I hate the silence... the silence lets my heart feel the hurt again... over and over I live the pain.... when will it stop... when will the clouds break and the sun shine again?  I feel as thro the sun will never shine as bright as it once did... I believe the dark clouds of silence dims our view, or maybe covers our eyes with a film that we can't strip off so our world is never as bright as it once was. 

Memory Road

Dang it... I'm beginning to feel the same way I did a month or so back.  I'm just not wanting to do anything again... Going to the gym made me feel so good and alive for awhile, but now I just go just to have something to do.  I was coming home feeling so good and wanting to go out and work around in the yard... but the past few days is just like the old days.  

The old road I shot here holds a lot of memories for me and maybe I just haven't gotten it all out... maybe I'll never get it all out.  I've made many tracks in and down this hill with my Grandparents, Mom, Dad, and now with my grandkids.  Maybe there's just something hanging on that I just can't let go of... maybe there's still pain that I haven't felt yet. I know this sound so crazy, but I just don't know how to put it... I don't like the way I feel and I just don't know what to do about it.   I guess we all deal with out hurt and pain in different ways and it's up to each of us to figure out how to work through it.  Same day the sun is going to shine again, the birds will sing... someday.... someday..