Dec 31, 2010

This was the morning sky around 6:30am... and the bad thing is I feel just as gray as the sky looks here.  I'm just not sure what to say and I for sure don't know what to do, but for some reason I just can't seem to get things together.   Just when I think the pieces are coming together I find out I've got the wrong puzzle and it was just by accident that the pieces fit.  It's like the more I try the worse it becomes and at times I just wonder about the WHOLE PICTURE.. what's real and what's not real... I do know the difference in feeling good and feeling bad.... and I'm coming to the conclusion if you feel good... give it a bit and I can almost assure you that the feel bad will be 2X worse.  Now days I've gotten where I just keep everything to myself.. it's not that my friends don't care.. it's that they just don't understand.  So I just paste on a smile or something that will pass as one and try to go about my day to day business.   Poeple are always saying 'Oh things happen for a reason'.. RIGHT... and I know where you can buy flying pigs cheap also.  I love my girls and grandkids with all my heart, but there's got to be more to life than going to work every day and maybe getting a phone call from them at night.  Sometimes the quietness over takes me and I try to defeat it, but it's like being in a blackhole... I'm pulled down into it.  Each time I try to break free the harder it pulls me... and when I do break free deep down I know that sooner or later I'll fall and each time the fall gets a little harder.    What is one to do?  Giving up isn't the answer nor is it an option... maybe the answer is to do nothing and maybe the like the seeds I'll grow a hard shell around me and then thing can touch me nor will I be able to touch anything.  I guess it's a two way street here... you can't can't have the one without the other.  Here we are on the eve of a new year and I've got so much to be thankful for and I am thankful... but yet I'm so afraid and so isolated.... I don't know what 2011 will have in store, but somewhere in the coming year I hope there's something in it for me... just a little something that I can hold one to and dream for.... I know to most this will make no sense and it's for that very reason I keep everything to myself. 

Wonder Why

Sunrise 12/29/2010 Wed

Here we are with just a few days left in 2010 and what a year.. I got a new grandbaby, McKenna and found out that I'm going to have another grandbaby in 2011. 

There's times I wonder what it would be like to be able to smile and laugh just because you're happy and for no other reason.  For some reason I can't seem to do this.  It's like happiness is a dream that when I close my eyes I can feel, but when I awake it's no longer there. 

I know none of this makes any sense to anyone but to me it's so real.

Christmas 2010

It was a cold and cloudy Christmas morning here today and then to make it worse it started to rain.  The boys, Gage and Noah were so upset because they couldn't get out and ride their new toys.  I remember being a little boy and having to stay in and it wasn't any fun that's for sure. 

I got to see little McKenna last night and I think she has grown so much.  I was talking and playing playing with her and she laughed for me.  It just made my evening.  McKenna's first Christmas... and now I've got next Christmas to look forward to Baby Russell's first Christmas.

Lauren posted it on Facebook today so now I can talk about it.  I'm so happy and excited for them.  I just know Lauren and Lane are going to be a good little Mom and Dad.  It's just a long time until July 19... not really when you think about it. 

The old house was still again this Christmas morning.  I try not to think about it but it's always there.  I guess there's no getting over it... Melissa said that Gage was calling for her about 4:30 this morning... I remember those days and looking back just how fast they went.   My baby girls... the time has slipped away from us and what old Dad would give for just 5 minutes of you'll be little again and just being my little ones.  Oh well time moves on -- I've got to look forward not backward and I'm hoping for a birght new year.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring our way. 

It has been a good Christmas and I've enjoyed it.  Would have liked to seen more of the kids, but they have their own life to lead now and I'm ok with that.  Still Dad thinks of them as my little girls oh and I always will.   

Almost Christmas

Well here we are the week of Christmas and looking back I have to wonder-- just where has this year gone. This time last year I had no idea that in 8 short months I would be getting a late Christmas gift for in July of this year I was blessed with the birth of my 3rd grandbaby.. a little brown eyed girl, who in every way looks just like her Mom.  McKenna came into our lives and heart.  She just melted our hearts and each day I enjoy hearing about the little things she has done.

Being a Paw Paw is so much fun for me... like yesterday when Noah wanted to go to Walmart and Gage didn't.  Melissa took Noah and Gage and I went Geocaching and walking down the trail I could remember the times I had with my Grandpaws and I just had to smile and think that somewhere in Haven they were looking down and smiling back.  Sometimes we try to buy things in order to get things, but the truth is it's not the things we can buy that most people want, it's the one thing that money can't buy and that's TIME.  When I asked Gage if he was having fun he would answer 'yes sir' and smile.  He was with Paw Paw and nothing else mattered to him.  It's little trips and times like this that some day he will look back on and smile and tell his little ones about as I do with him and in that telling of the story my life will go on far pass my time here on this Earth.  

Chirstmas is a time of giving that's true, but it's also about the way one gives that counts also.  I've got a dear friend at work who has given this year and thru her I've let myself open up.  She has taken on the task of seeing that one family of children will have Christmas.  She has helped me see the true meaning of Christmas again and if feels good so good to help know that Santa will be there for these children and some day I hope they will remember and pass it on to others they may not know.  

To say the least this Chirstmas is special.. but it just shouldn't just Chirstmas that we make special... each day is a gift.  

A Saturday 107 years ago

It was on this day 107 years ago that my Grandpaw Lee was born.  To me Grandpaw was a quiet easing going person that worked hard his whole life.  He never had nor did he ever want the finer things in life, he was content to live a very simple life on the farm planting cotton and having a garden.  I can still see him in the field behind a mule plowing.  I think back and wonder how on Earth he and Granny ever made it, but they did.  He sent a son to Korea to fight and over and over I play the scene out in my mind were he sees the mailman is coming up the dusty road while in the field plowing and the whole time he's wondering if there's a letter from Dad or a letter of bad news about Dad.  Then going in at lunch (while they called dinner) Granny reading the letter to him while he eats.  Then there's the part of Grandpaw that Mom has told me about after I was grown.. how he would come always check to make sure everything was ok and to make sure if one of us were sick Mom and Dad had the money to cover the charge.  Never did he spend anything on himself that I know of, but if there was something we needed I don't think he every any question if he would help.  He helped teach me to drive in an old 1949 FORD truck.  After lunch (dinner) each day he would go out on the

front porch (galley as he called it) and light up his pipe.. Prince Albert pipe tobacco... and that stuff was strong..

I think, I hope I've got some of his strong points and I do hope that I've passed some of them on to my girls.. He believed in his family... So with this being said I would like to say Happy Birthday Paw Lee.... Today would have been your 107th ... ;-)  although you are not with me in body believe me when I say you are with me is sprit...   

Holidays Once Again

Here it is Thanksgiving already... I don't have a clue where this year has gone, but it sure has gone by fast.  My Little McKenna is almost 5 months old already and Mary called me yesterday afternoon all excited telling me that she had rolled over on her own.  The little first things like that mean so much to us.  I was watching a video Sunday with Gage.. he liked looking at his Mom when she was a little girl... and so do I... it's fun a to sit and watch the video of the girls when they were small and it also kinda hurts.. it makes me think of things I really don't like to think about... TIME... and how fast it gets away from me.  I look at the Grandkids and see how fast they are growing and think how fast I'm growing older.  There's nothing I can do to stop it, but yet I can't stop worrying about it.  I can't seem to enjoy the "NOW" for thinking about the "LATER"... I know this is so crazy and if I could I would really like not to think about it.  I think the holidays have a lot to do with it... I'm off from work and all I do is sit around here. What on earth will I ever do when and if I ever retire? I'm afraid I will really go over the deep end.... hahaha ... Next Tues will be a big day for us and I'll post something about it then... Well for now I'm going to close and see if I can find anything to do today to keep my mind from going to the dark places that get me upset...

Melissa

Nov 2, 1978... Did my world ever change... and change for the better. My little girl, I've held you, rocked you, and most of all loved you. We have laughed and cried together and together we have taken first steps together of one kind or another.
Looking back all I can say is where did the years go and why did they go so fast? Thinking about this reminds me of when I would take you to preschool and we would sit and listen to Paul Harvey then you would go in... I remember the Halloween Mom was in the hospital and I tried to dress you up.... hahaha...
I remember how happy I the night you walked across the PHS football field, the night you walked across the stage at MGCCC with your Nursing degree... the afternoon I took your arm and walked you down the aisle... the afternoons you gave me 2 grandsons… and when you got your BSN from USM... A Dad never forgets these special times and this is only a few... I remember all the hugs all the times you pulled my hair because you wanted to play beauty shop... and every tug and every hug was written on my heart.
The other day Melissa, you told me that I was a good Paw Paw... and remember what I told you.. I had good teachers.. I hope that we (Mom and I) have been the kind of teachers that I learned from...
There's not day or a moment that I don't think about you and your sisters and what you mean to me.

With all my love on your special day... 
Happy Birthday..
Love,
Dad

Sat Morning Sunrise

What a great morning it was... I got up and went down to 'The Point' again this morning to shoot the sunrise... and once again I was not disappointed...

The only sound heard this morning was the waves coming ashore... it was so peaceful.. then Eastern sky begin to turn a bright orange... and then the Sun broke the horizon. Within a minute of this it was over... the Sun was up and the sunrise for today was over-- never to be repeated or seen again.

When people ask me "Why do I get up so early?"... I just smile at them and say "If you only knew what you were missing"...

For me my photography is much more than merely going out and shooting a lot of pictures and hoping I've got one good one.. This is my art it's a part of me-- I put thought in every shot , not all of them turn out the way I envisioned them sometimes, but it's just not a point and shoot thing for me.  When you see one of my pictures you are seeing a part of my very soul.  This is my passion-- my escape from the day to day work load. 

It was very quiet at The Point this morning... sometimes this can be a good thing and at others it can sound like thunder (the quiet) ... Think about it... and I hope you can't understand this statement.. 

If I had to rate this morning from 1-10 it would be a 10+.... God's beauty is everywhere and He has given me the chance to see it and to stop time if only for 1/800 of a second here in this picture... for this short time -- time did stand still. 

Where has the time gone?

I'm not sure where my time goes, but it sure goes by fast.  How long has it been since I've written here? To long that's for sure or maybe it's just because I've got nothing really to say lately. 

Last weekend I shot pictures at Camp Bluebird and as always I had a good time.  Other than that all I've been shooting is the sunrise over my backyard.  At times I feel like I'm missing out on something, but I'm just not one to pick up and go by myself.  I would love to go to the mountains at this time of the year and shoot the trees... or at least I think I would.  It would be my luck I would get up there and not shoot a thing.  I dropped out of the camera club... like everything else everyone had their own little click and that was it.... no room for an outsider...

Now we're coming up on Thanksgiving and Christmas... and I'm not really looking forward to it.  It's not one of my best times... I'll be off from work a good bit and sitting around here is as much fun as watching grass grow. 

I may get myself a big Christmas gift... I keep thinking about.. I sure would like the have the Canon 5D Mark II.  If I could get paid for the Sept wedding I may order it, but it looks like I've been had again.. well not as bad as it has been in the past... but still pretty bad.  I also did a Senior shoot a couple of weeks ago.. very pretty young lady... I hope she liked the pictures.. I wish I could hear something... 'the pictures were good','the pictures sucked' -- just something... I need to know how people feel about my work... Wish I could go back to school and take some classes... but the only photo classes around here are not what I'm looking for.... I'll just keep trying and see what turns up I guess. 

Bayou La Batre

Shot pictures yesterday afternoon at Bayou La Batre, AL.  I've been wanting to go over there for a long time, but I didn't know where to go to see the boats other than at the bridge there no the main road.  Even shooting from there I would have only gotten a few shots..

I was talking to Keely yesterday telling her I was wanting to go over to the Ocean Springs Inner Habor and get some pictures for the hospital calendar we do each year and she told me if I wanted pictures of boats she and Pete would take me over to Bayou La Batre...

When the sun started to set I didn't know which way to shoot first.  The only bad  thing is once  the sun starts to set it goes down fast.  I got a lot of shots I really like and you can bet I'll be back again and again. 

Would like to THANK Pete and Keely for taking time to take me over there and for showing me around..

Dad's Pain

What is a Dad to do when his little girl calls and deep down he knows she is upset and even thro she tries to hide it he knows she is crying???

For me I just talk to her and try to assure her that things will be ok as I fight back the tears. Being a Dad or Mom isn't an easy job and it's a job you can't call in sick, take a vacation, quit, or retire from... and even if any of these options were possible I wouldn't want to take any of them.

My little girls (grown now- but still my little girls) are the most valuable thing I have and there's not one thing I wouldn't do for them.

The thing that hurts me the most is when one of them is hurting and there's nothing I can do. This just rips my heart out of my chest.

Remember when your children were small and they would ask the question "WHY" and most of the time you could come up with an answer.. well now there's a WHY out there I can't answer and it makes me question everything I've ever been taught... I look around and see and hear of children being beaten, abandoned, not loved and even aborted.. and even I have to ask WHY... for me there's something so wrong with all this and I just can't get my mind and arms around it and it hurts me.. What do I tell my little girl??? Can someone explain it to me so maybe I can kinda understand... I see no rhyme or reason to anything anymore...

All I know is that my baby girl is hurting and there's nothing Dad can do and that is just about to tear me apart.  I just want to take her in my arms and just hold her as I did so many years ago and just rock her and whisper to her again that it's going to be ok.. Dad's got ya...

Dreams Again

I had another dream this week. The dream wasn't one were people died or got hurt, but it was one of those dreams where I was with friends, but I didn't know any of them. We were laughing, talking and just having the best time... then I woke up. It was so disappointing to realize it was only a dream. This whole week this dream has been on my mind and I can't seem to forget it and it has made me feel so bad for some reason... I can't put my finger on just what it is or why... and I really hate feeling this way. Last night I couldn't sleep and part of it was I kept trying to remember the people in the dream and what impact they may have had on me to make me think of them... I just can't let go of this and I don't know why. Maybe it's caused from worry or stress. All I do know is that it was a party and it was so much fun to laugh.... maybe I really am going over the edge.. if over the edge is like the dream let's go... maybe being crazy isn't as bad as we think it is. hahaha...

The picture is one I took a couple of weeks ago when I went to Mom and Dads for the church reunion... We had a little party Sat night and when I left that night I knew I could go to church Sunday morning... there was something inside of me hurting from seeing all my old dear friends... and I just couldn't stand the pain... for some reason I felt like I was on the outside looking in...my friends did nothing to make me feel this way.. it was all me... in a way I feel like I've lost everything... it's something I can't explain.. but the hurt I felt was real.   There's times I just sit here and wonder... wonder about the meaning of it all and how things came to be as they are... I try not to think about it to much... maybe I'm just tired... that's it ... I'm just tired...

What's missing?

Not real sure what I want to say this afternoon, but for some reason I just had to sit down and try to write something. 

I went home this past weekend... all excited about seeing everyone and really I did enjoy talking to and being with old friends some I haven't seen in over 30 years, but for some reason when I left Saturday night it was like I had lost a part of my very soul.  There was an emptiness in me almost like a hurt.  I can't tell you what caused this it surly wasn't anyone at the party or maybe it was everyone at the party.  Maybe I was wanting/hoping to bring back some of those long gone years... I don't know what I was hoping for, but what ever it was it didn't show up or maybe it was there, but I've let my heart grow so cold that I can't or want allow it to feel the love of even friends anymore.  I fault no one but myself for not trying to fit in anymore... I wish I had a better answer.. I've gone over this a millon times in my mind just trying to tie something down... but each time I come up with nothing. 

I called Mom last night just to check on them... when I left Sunday she knew I was upset.  She told me last night that I couldn't  see were I was going if I kept looking back.. well sometimes I feel like I've left everything behind me and there's nothing to be looking forward to... Oh I know people will say you've got your children and grand children.. and I do and God knows how I love them and there's nothing I wouldn't do for them, but still there's times not even they can fill the void I feel.  At times I feel like this old tree... just standing in the shadow.

This was not written as a "poor me" ... I just write how I feel and to try to find peace within myself.  
   

My new little Princess

McKenna Renee came into my life last Saturday (07/03/2010) afternoon around 1pm.  The fact of the matter she has been a part of my life for 6 months and from the time I found out that my little girl was going to have a baby I starting to loving her.  Now that I can hold her and love on her it's just better.  I go over every day at lunch and spend time with Mary and McKenna if it's nothing more that just sitting and watching her sleep.  Being PawPaw has been so good for me.  The boys are now getting to the age where we can go places and do things together and they do enjoy it... I'm not sure who has the most fun them or me. 

Gage and Noah (1st cousins) just think she is the prettiest thing in the world.  When Gage gets to hold her it's nothing but smiles.. McKenna will always have someone to be there and take up for her.. these little boys or 1000% boys and they don't take stuff off anyone.. they don't start trouble but no one is going to start something with one of them without the other one steping in... 

I called Lauren last night asking her what would be good to eat we got to talking and she told me that Lane was having to go work at the fire station last night and that she wanted something good to eat... so she and i went and had dinner together.. I don't know what I would do without my daughters... they make old Dad proud and happy.

We're having a reunion in August... the Whitesand Youth from the 70's are getting together.  At first I was looking forward to it.. now I've kinda got mixed emotions about it. I don't know... seems like I'm always hearing things that kinda makes me feel like I've kinda failed in some ways.  I'm sure I'll go and put on a happy face... not sure if I'll stay for the Sunday morning service... i guess it just depends on how it goes Saturday afternoon.  Oh I know I've got so much to be thankful for.. there's just things I'm afraid will hurt... but really I can't wait to see the group.. God knows we were so close many years ago and now look at us the old folks... 

   

34 Years Ago TODAY

It was 34 years ago today - Friday - that I was in Panama City Beach Florida... on our way to the  Miracle Strip Amusement Park... for us life was just beginning... here on the same day 34 years latter I'm leaving the hospital where my youngest daughter is about to have a little girl.. my third grand baby and my first grand daughter... I just find it very funny that all this is taking place on the same days as this special time in my life.  I can almost hear the sounds of the old park... and talk about good doughnuts... they were so good there on the beach those couple of mornings.  Time moves forward.. I hope tomorrow by this time I'll be writting about my new little McKenna.. but I'll never for get that time in the Summer of 1976.  

  http://www.miraclestripamusementpark.panamacitysun.com/  

My Fears

Fear can be an ally or it can be your wrose enemy. Right now it's my enemy... I have this awful fear of being alone.  I can't explain it the feeling and I think that is what worries me the most.  Even when I'm at work with all my friends around I feel like I'm in my own little world far away... maybe it's the fact that I'm getting older and my future want be with my friends and knowing they will be learning new things while I become old and just sit and talk about the days gone by... of what used to be.  I just don't like  the idea of sitting here alone.. this is one of my biggest fears... being alone

Where's the birds

I rode down the Pascagoula Beach yesterday, June 7, 2010, looking for a pelican I heard had oil on it, but I never found/saw it. 


After I didn't find it I stopped at the park and went walking on the peir and I did spot one pelican sitting out on a marker.  He was about 150 yards away so I really couldn't say he was the one with the oil.  It was so strange out on the pier yesterday afternoon... there wasn't any wind and even worse there was any birds.  Then this shrimp boat came by I shot pictures of it and it wasn't until I got home I realized there weren't any birds after it.  Every time I've seen a shrimp boat coming in it's been covered with seagulls and here this one with nothing.  Actually I saw two boats and neither had birds. 

It just felt so strange yesterday being in the pier with out the pelicans and seagulls flying all around and even at 'The Point' there wasn't any gulls.  Does it have anything to do with the oil spill??? I don't know..  The oil spill is just so bad... and the most innocent of all are paying the price... 

The Dummy Line

If this old road could talk the what a story it could tell. 

The old road at one time was a railroad bed, but that was before my time, for me it's always been know as the Dummy Line... I really need to ask Mom and Dad how it get that name, but to me as I was growing up it was a magic road.  When I walked down the path I could be on a safari looking for big game animals, or I may be leading my company of soliders to our next battle, or I may be a cop trying to run down some gangster on my bike.

I never knew what the next stroll down the old road would bring me, but looking back I think I gave me something at has helped me thru the years... it helped me build my imagination....


Now days I'm afraid kids don't have the imagination that we had because they don't have to imagine what a dragon looks like or would act like... it's all there for them in the games they play on their computers.  I wish there was a way just for one day I could be the same age as my grandsons and together we could walk down the old road in search of adventure... I guess in a way everytime I we walk down the path I do become that little boy again looking for that dragon. 


More than anything I think it's so important to keep the memories of our childhood alive and to pass them on to your children and our childrens children... how else will they know that Paw Paw was once a little boy that played here... looked for dragons, lead an army, went on big game hunts.  So many times we try to forget the past and in doing so we start to lose who we are... oh there's a lot of past I would like to forget but there's just somethings you can't close down no matter how hard one tries. 


So the time I go to see Mom and Dad you can bet I'll walk down the old road once again and almost like magic when I walk past the gate I can see and hear a little boy once again with his BB gun ahead of me, his dogs close by looking for that quest that only he's knows. 

PRECIOUS MEMORIES how they linger -- ever on my mind

Empty

I just feel empty today... 

How Time Changes Things

I've always heard that 'times heals all wounds'... well this may be true but not even time can heal the scars left by some pains. 

As I grow older, I see my life changing .... well the way I look at things anyway.  There were things I wanted so bad a couple of years back that now has no meaning to me what so ever.. It's really strange how our feeling for things change.  Oh there's still lots of things i want, but most of what I want isn't for me anymore... it's for my children and grandchildren... and what I want for them isn't things because 'things' don't last... what my wants for them are to be happy and love each other and to be there for each other... as for me well when I'm out with my camera and I can find something like this I'm happy... here again time has changed me... I've learned to look at things most people would pass by and maybe never give it a second look... this plant wasn't in some well kept water garden... it was in a ditch down a lonely old road were I go looking for birds to shoot. 

Yes time changes all of us...sometimes it helps ease the hurt, sometimes it helps us slow down so we can see the beauty of things others never see, sometimes we may even step back in time and re-live that last phone call from a friend who is no longer with us and think of how this person changed our lives just because.... times does change all of us.. sometimes for the better and sometimes for the bitterer...

I hope my time will be for the better... I want to find and share many more hidden treasures like this with others..

My Afternoon

What an afternoon.. I was sitting here looking at Facebook when I heard something hit the patio door.  Cody jumped up and found the little bird.  I was so afraid that he or Lucy was going to kill the little thing before I could check him out, but some how I was able to get the little bird.  I looked him over and didn't find any blood so I knew the dogs didn't hurt him to bad.. (Hoping anyway) I've got a pile of limbs and pine cones I want to burn at some point so I took him out there and placed him in the top where the dogs couldn't get to him and just left him to get his wind back.   I went back to check on him a little latter and he had gone down in the pile and when i got to looking for him, he jumped up on one of the old limbs... I ran back and got my camera and was able to get this picture before he flew off.  Never was I so happy to see a bird fly away as I was this afternoon. 

He's Baltimore Oriole just passing thru.

Feeling good about Work

'Precious Memories --- How they linger ever near me"

Everyone that knows me, knows how I worry about my work.  I'm always going back over it picking it apart.  I see things that just worry me to death that others tell me they never saw. 

Having said that.... awhile back someone got in touch with me and asked if I would do some family pictures for her.  This was one of  those I didn't have a clue about.  They had seem my work on Facebook and liked it and wanted ME to do family pictures for them.  Well you know I jumped at the chance to be out shooting. 

I had told her what I would do and how she could order more prints all of  that and made a date.  I wish someone could tell me why I can go shoot a wedding and never think a thing about it.. (I have one shot to do it), but when I do something like this I'm so nervous... haha

Later, after I had given her the prints I got this text message: ' We are so appreciate being able to get great quality pictures at a price we can swing. We so seldom have them made cuz of price. It also makes such a difference knowing there is a heart behind them not some overpriced studio with someone three just watching the clock. We really appreciate it!'

I know at some point and time I'll have to change my way of doing business, but for now I'm going to carry on as I'm doing now.  Here was a young family with young kids that wanted pictures for their family their parents and Grandparents.   What if I charged big fees and only sold one or 2 prints and there were others they wanted but couldn't afford... I want my people to be happy and be able to hang prints all over their house from our shoot.  I just don't want to be labeled as cheap.. there's nothing cheap about my work.  I set Q/A very high.  It's ture my work may never grace the cover of some magazine, but if they can feel a home with precious memories I've done something no magazine cover can ever do.  This is my goal for my business.  I feel if I can do this everything else will just fall in line... 

I hope in a couple of years I can look back at this post and smile and say 'I've done what I've set out to do'.

Great Afternoon

It's been a long week at work and I was done with everything by yesterday afternoon.  The weather was just to pretty to stay in the office with nothing to do this afternoon.... SO

I went by Walmart and got one of those folding chairs and was sitting out back taking in the spring afternoon and looked up and spotted bird high in the sky so I ran in and got my camera and got a few shots... in the back of my mind I was thinking 'hey this is an eagle' but I really couldn't tell until I loaded the card in the computer and sure enough I his white head was there. My day was made then!!!   Then a little later I was sitting back out there and spotted another bird. This one was smaller than the eagle so I got my camera and it turned out to be an osprey.  Two of them! They were hunting over the lake here behind the house.  One time it looked as if one had spotted a fish and was about to dive, but he didn't.  They did put on a good show for me.. flying low over the lake (low it's what you may think) and I was able to get some pretty good shots.  It's hard to hold the camera with the 400mm lens and keep track of the bird at the same time.  I must say I love my old Canon 20D.  When I got the 400L lens I put it on the 20D and haven't taken it off.  Maybe one day I can get the 600L. 


I sure needed this afternoon for some reason for the past week I've just felt so bad.. just not wanting to do anything.  I hate feeling like that and I don't care what people tell you there's nothing that can make you feel better.  I think what worries me the most about this is the way I brush my friends off at work.  They mean well and God knows I don't mean to be cold, but there's times I just can't help it.  

Well this afternoon has been great... I enjoy the little simple things like shooting these pictures of the birds and also Lauren is back in town.  When my little girls are gone Dad worries about them... no matter how old they get they will always be my babies and until I go to Whitesand I'll always worry.

The picture is of the Osprey this afternoon..

Another Day Passed

This was the sunrise this moring about 6:30 and here it is almost 6:30pm.  The days just have a way of getting away from me.  It has been a busy day for me.

I had written a lot this morning and somehow I lost it all before I could save it.  

The business my buddies were going to open isn't going to happen it looks like.  I had big hopes for them.  This makes me wonder if I can do it.  It's like every time I have a little dream it never goes anywhere.   All I do know is yesterday afternoon I wasn't feeling good.  I don't know what the problem was, but I couldn't shake it.  It was all dark in my little world and I don't like this.  I was hoping to get a note from the couple I shot pictures for Saturday night.  Just something to tell me they didn't or did like the pictures.  

Debbie did call me last week and tell me that she has 2 weddings and at first she said because they were going to be so small and she couldn't pay me much she wasn't going to call me, but thing she got to thinking about it and told me that she couldn't do them without me. hahaha ... I guess I'm pretty good... I think things are just very bad right now and people are trying to hold on to their money and I can sure understand that.  

Maybe this dark cloud will pass on over in a day or so... I sure hope it does.

Made my Day

My Grandsons.. Noah and Gage.. now they make my day when I'm with them....but this is about something else this afternoon... about a Facebook post from someone that doesn't know me...


 Heather -- my husband i simply love all your photography!!! do you shoot kids?


William -- kids, pets, flowers, birds, bees... you name it i shoot it... ;-) and thank your very much for your kind words.. i love photography and i hope it shows in my work...


Heather -- would love to have a new family portrait made with our new addition....
and your love does shine bright in your work! my husband and i sat for about 2 hours looking through all your work. the birds caught our attention at first ,(we saw a kite fly over our yard and saw a comment on another page that you had seen one as well) but we loved it all!
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 I got this at a time when I really needed it the most.  I see all these people going into business and I look at their work and for some of them I ask myself... 'does my work look like that?' ... hope the whole time it doesn't yet people flock to them. 


A couple of weeks ago I did an engagement shoot for a couple... Most of the time I've always given them the cd with the pictures and gone on and never hear anything again... well with this coulpe I tried something a little different.  I had proofs made and put in an album.. and when I was editing the shoot I just knew I had to do a slideshow for them... and it paid off.  I got to watch them watch the slideshow for the first time and the smiles and pointing just made all the extra time I spent well worth it.  Days later he came up to me at work and told they had watched the slideshow 5 or 6 times. 


Here's a funny.. my co-worker was on vaction last week and she told me that she was looking a tree and her husband saw her what she was looking at... She told him that working with me and seeing my photography all the time in the office she had started to look at things in a different way... I'm all ways telling them that there's beauty in almost everything.. it's up to us to find it..


I just had to share this this afternoon... maybe my work isn't so bad after all..

Children..

Kids or better yet GRANDKIDS...  you never know what they are going to do or say, but when they do better listen. 


Noah(left) and Gage are my two grandsons and being a Dad of 3 girls I'm learning all kinds of things all over again, like how to climb a tree or better yet how to get DOWN.  There's one statement I can make and when I'm with them there's never a dull moment.  

Now moving on to my girls... As a Dad I always hoped and prayed I was bring them up right.  There's only so much a parent can do and there comes a time when you must face the hard cold truth.. they are grown and no longer your little girl.  That doesn't stop the nights when you can't sleep because you're worried about something they have going on in their live... if something happened to them at work and they got upset or when they are sick... you never stop being a parent no matter how old your children... We as parents never ask for anything in return yet we get more and more each day.  I love my children with all my heart and soul and there's very, very few days that they don't call me just to check on Dad and to tell me the magic words.. 'love ya Dad'... last week Melissa and I were texting back and forth and she said something that just really touched me... "I'm so happy to call you my Daddy"... What more could a Dad ever ask for... there's nothing in this world that could ever compete with my children... There's so much I don't have yet there's so much MORE I do have... if I have to explain this one there's no way I could get you to understand... I guess it's just a Dad thing.... hahaha

To my kids... Never question my love for you..... Dad 

Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love.  ~~ Leo Buscaglia

Old Days - New Days

I've found a radio station that plays the old music we listened to back in the 70's.  Talking about going back in time... Back then our biggest worry was if we were going to have enough gas money to ride the streets of Prentiss all weekend... That's all we did was ride from one end to the other.  The old street was paved with bricks and I think we had 3 maybe 4 red lights.  When we passed someone we knew we would blow the horn... and you know what we enjoyed ourselves.   I think I always had a car load with me... What ever happen to those simple times.. How did we grow so old so fast?  I wish my girls could go back in time just for one weekend and see.   

Every now and again an old song will come on that makes me think of something that was going on.. like the song 'The Day The Music Died' ... I was sitting outside the courthouse waiting to get my drivers license.  Happy carefree times.  Guess it's true I'm getting old... hahaha

There's something else that... it's my photography.  When I look at an object I can't explain it, but I see things that I think others don't.  Maybe I've just got a warped mind, but when I see a stand of dead trees there's just something that reaches out to me... now I may pass the same stand days latter and there's nothing.   I've seen some of the pictures here on the internet where the photographer tries to tell me it's 'fine art', but having cars and power lines in the shot for me kinda kills the 'fine art' thing... I look at their work see what people say about it and wonder what I am doing wrong... I could see the picture I posted here hanging on an office wall... I just don't understand... maybe that's the problem... I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND... 

I really feel that sometime the right person is going to come across some of my work.. until then I'm going to keep shooting... Really I shoot for ME... I like it and like I've said before.. when the day is done if I'm happy with what I've done... that's all that matters.  RIGHT? I think so...  
   

Happiness and Sadness -- A very fine line

This was shot this morning.. and it's almost me.  It's like I'm in between the light and the dark.. The light being happy and the dark being upset. 

On one hand I'm happy and the other one I'm sad.  Being a Dad is so hard.. there's so many times I wish I could just take the hands of the clock and turn them backwards and make my girls my little girls again.  Back to a time where I could hold them in my arms and rock them and most of all make all the hurt go away. 

We all know there's all likes of love.. but one love that is so true and genuine and that is the love a child has for you. 

Lauren is learing that... Little Noah loves his Aunt Lauren without question and with her he would go to the ends of the world.  In my own way I've tried to tell Lauren that everything happens in it's own time... we can rush things.. we for sure don't know what tomorrow has in store for us... but today there's 2 little boys that loves her so much.. Gage is a little older but he still loves his Aunt La... maybe I've failed... but I really think that when the time is right everything will come together.  It hurts me so bad to see her upset... what's a Dad to do? 

What's a Dad to do?

I had lunch with Lauren yesterday and as always I enjoyed every second of if.   I know she worries about things and I feel she's afraid and what hurts me is there's not one thing I can do. 


I wish I could just put my arms around her and hold her like I did so many years ago, when Dad was able to make every thing ok. 

Questions

I really hate feeling the way I do right now.  There's nothing I want to do... like yesterday I went with Jonathan and the boys to Mobile... and I enjoyed being with them so much, but it was like a part of me just wasn't there. WHY?  I don't know if I has to do with worry or just what it could be. 

I can't get a statement Lauren told me out of my mind and most of all out of my heart.  We were talking Friday night and she said something that just made me want to pull her thru the phone and wrap my arms around her and hold her like she was my baby again. 

Like I've stated many times before when you child is upset and there's not one thing you can do as a Dad it breaks your heart and when your heart is heavy there's very little you want to do.

Another thing that has me upset is the fact that no matter what camera equipment I buy it's like it's not good enough.  I went out Friday afternoon to shoot some. Had what I was thinking was going to be great shots.. when I got back here and looked at them I was just sick.  They were not sharp.. what's up with this.. the lens I've got wasn't cheap, but yet it wasn't a prime 400L or 600L... I'm beginning to think even if I had  the prime lens would it have made a difference.. I guess I'll just have to question this one... there's no way I can go out and spend $6000 to $12,000 on a lens.    It's like the harder I try the worse I get.. what's up with that?  Then again it could just be me.. I don't know... all I know is that photography is something I love and it seems like I just can't get a break.   Maybe this is a poor choice of words... I try so hard and I never seem to make it... Maybe I should just hang it up and spend my money on other things... I can't do that... I guess I'll just keep on trying and maybe someday.... my someday will come.   

I hurt because YOU hurt

Of all a parent goes thru I think what hurts us the most is when one of babies are hurting and we can't do a thing to stop the hurt.

Yesterday Lauren called me and we got to talking about what's going on with her. It broke my heart to hear her the disappointment in her voice. I just wanted to reach in the phone and pull her to me and to hold my little girl and tell her that it's going to be ok.

I wish I had answers to all the 'whys' you've not asking, but I know they are there.   All I can say baby is that things always seem to work out.. don't give up.. don't give in... it will happen Baby... I want you to know thru all of this Daddy is thinking about you and loves you more and more each day... Dad loves his little La....  

A Visit

I write this morning more to myself than anything, because I want to remember my visit with my cousin this morning.

It was one of those dreams where those that have gone on before us come home to visit... for what ever reason Jeff came and I talked and laughed again this morning something that hasn't happened in almost 3 years now.

In my dream I was telling Jeff I needed to get a new inspection sticker for my truck.. and being the Jeff he was he started checking things to make sure everything was ok. The strange thing about it was we were in New Hebron.... the little town I grow up next to.

I'm not sure what kind of stress makes us dream about things like this, but I was happy for the visit... even thro it was just a dream.. or was it. The trees in the picture here are no longer living, but are they gone? ... really gone???

I guess people can say this or that, but no matter what people say.... there's one thing I'll say.. the visits (dreams) I have with my family members that have gone mean so much to me.. even thro they are just a dream -- I can hear the sound of their voice just as clear as the last time I talked to them. In a way the dreams leave me sad, but for a short time I am with them and I enjoy every millisecond of it.

Jeff it was just like you this morning to want to insure my truck was in top order... it was so good to see you and to talk to you and I do hope you will visit again...

My work--- My feelings

March 01, 2010 already. These past two months have just flown by... and I can't remember one thing that I've done. I feel like so many times my photos are so miss understood or that people don't see what I see... what ever the case at times this makes me wonder if I have what it takes or is it just that the right people hasn't seen my work.

Like the picture here this morning.. I shot it yesterday afternoon... I liked the way the setting sun back lit the the seed pod. Maybe it's just me and I'm really crazy... Well what ever it is I'm going to continue shooting things like this. if for no other reason I like it... and when the day is done it really only matters how I feel about my work that counts...

I've been looking at webpages of local photographers and looking at their work... and the only thing different is they are getting paid for their work... I truly feel my work is as if not better than some of theres... I just don't have the courage to step out... each time I've tried it's been a disaster in the since I work my butt off and the only prints people want are the free ones.. maybe I've got a problem with my charge scale.. maybe I've got it set to high or maybe it's to low, but when you put in hours of work on a shoot shouldn't you expect something in return.

Maybe I'm just feeling a little down this morning... that's all... oh yes I would like to make a little, but more than anything I just want to be noticed....

Yes, some of my pictures are a little different, but who wants to look at the same bird, same sunset, same pose over and over... I like to look for things that are different, things that may one say 'I never saw that before' and the whole time it's been there. I want to bring little everyday things to life.. like this seed pod... it's been there for months, but it was the setting sun lite that made me see it for the first time... little things like this are the things that I like...

There's an old warehouse around here I'm going to check out maybe this afternoon.. I can't go in, but I saw something the other evening passing by (without my camera) that just hit me.. the setting sun was streaming thru the old building and the light and dark shadows just hit me as something I must shoot and save.. How many people has passed but that old place and never seen this... again I ask you--- am I crazy... is this the beginning of the end for me??? haha... if it is I intend to jump over that edge in a big way....

I'm getting to the point to where I don't care if anyone likes my work.. I like it and I'll print it and hang it here in my house... I'll have to rotate it in and out as my house is so small and the walls are already covered.. hahaha.. Hey that's ok... I can sit and look at my work and remember the time and places... and most of all how I felt when I shot it...

I love what I do and I'm going to do what I love... and until others get onboard -- I'll ride the train alone....

Ole Miss

Ole Miss students vote to replace Colonel Reb
2/23/2010, 5:53 p.m. CST
SHELIA BYRDThe Associated Press

(AP) — JACKSON, Miss. - University of Mississippi students voted Tuesday for the school to pursue a new mascot to replace Colonel Reb, the goateed Southern gent banished from the sidelines nearly seven years ago as the school continued its move away from symbols of the Old South.



The university has taken other steps in recent years to throw off what many perceive as lingering reminders of a Confederate past. Last year, the band stopped playing the fight song, "From Dixie With Love," to discourage fans from chanting, "the South will rise again." In 1997, the school ended the waving of Confederate flags at sporting events.


-- -- When we show our pride in our HERITAGE it's called RACISM... I bet very few of you have have heard of the University Grays.. we can't teach this in school anymore...



"I think the older generations need to stop pressing their feelings about race and what happened in the past on those of us who weren't even alive then," Loy said....


--- BY GOD THERE'S SOME THAT DON'T WANT TO FORGET THE PASS AND THROW IT UP EVERY TIME THEY WANT SOMETHING... my great great great great granddaddy so mistreated .... now TODAY you own ME something because of what HE went thru... I guess this is ok for THEM.... BULL SH&$..... what's goes for one should go for ALL....

I think the new mascot sould be a jackass... it would be fitting

A note from Mom

Back on my birthday I called Mom and asked her to write and tell me about the day I was born... I got this letter today.. Mom you don't know what this means to me... ;-)

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Today is William’s birthday. He is 54 yrs today. It has been so short. I woke up about 12am and knew something was wrong. He was due March 8. I told Charles to go get Mama. I wanted her to go to with me. We took off to the hospital as soon as they came back. Dr. Holder was my doctor. Dad, Pat, Sybil and the Lee family there including Nook. Mrs. Wilma Lane was down there… she had a girl early that morning and went home that same day. They named her Gail. I lay in bed all day.. Pat said she got so angry because there weren’t doing anything for me. The pains were pretty bad, but I tried not to scare the family. They would come and peek in the door. That night the Doctor came in and said it may be the next day… I told him I couldn’t stand it that long… He asked if the pains were that bad and I said YES they are killing me.. haha -- So just like that he said let’s go! That was 9pm. They took a little 6lb 6oz baby boy to the nursery… said he was having a little trouble with his breathing. He looked like a small doll with a round head and black hair so short it looked like it was painted on his head. His eyes were black and he could look at you wondered what he was thinking. I was so scared to death of him. He was so little and sweet and smart… he said ‘me will be OK Mom'.

Charles = MY DAD

Dad = Grand Paw Roberts - Mom's Dad and Mom = Granny Roberts..

Pat = Aunt Patsy --- Sybil = Aunt Sybil --- Mom's 2 younger sisters

The Lee Family would be Daddy's Mom and Dad.. Granny and Grand Paw Lee, Uncle Carol - Dad's younger brother and Nook was Grand Paw Lee's brother...

Uncle Nook is a story all alone... a very good story I must add..

Days gone by-- Remembered

What a difference a day makes.. yesterday was clean and sunny all day.. looks like rain today.


Friday night I went to Biloxi to buy an art pen.. driving down 90 at night is so different than 6 years ago.. I guess what really upset me was passing by Beauvoir.


Well Friday night passing by the old house all those things came rushing by... it was like my mind was in overdrive.. The old house looked good, but to know I would never walk the grounds again and it hurts. Things were said, sides were drown and the battle started. Now, as it was in the 1860's, it was friend against friend. Long time friendships were severed in a flash. There's one thing they can't take from us and that's our memories for the good times. The times we stood shoulder to shoulder to defend what we felt was right...



So much of Beauvoir is now gone for me now and it's not the house I'm talking about it's the soul of the place... I've lost my feelings for it in a way, but there's still that little tingle I feel for the good times there when I pass her... I can almost hear the laughing and talking.... Good times they were.

'Old times dar am not forgotten;
Look away! Look away! Look away! Dixie Land. '


The lust for power destroyed more than Katrina....

Just me thinking

Well another work day is done.. one more day closer to payday / retirement.. The subject came up today among Chip and myself. Chip didn't relize that I could retire at anytime... I guess what got us to talking about it was he got his 15 year pin today... and I was picking at him telling him I had one more I would like to get and that would be my 35 year pin... He could not believe that this year (July) will be my 34th year with the hospital system. WOW.. 34 years with the same company and in the same department.

I like to think about leaving, but what would I do with myself? As I stated this morning it's like no one wants photos or maybe it's just my photos. When I think about this the picture here is the way I feel. Like my time with the hospital I have put my heart and soul into my work. Maybe people just doesn't understand or see what I see...

With this picture I see a broken heart... I can feel her hurt.. maybe I see things that others can't or refuse to see. I can't or would I want to make people like my work.. my work is a part of me and I wouldn't have it any other way..

I'm going to keep shooting what and how I want to shoot it... some time, some where, some how, some one will like it... That's pretty much all I want... for someone to see something that I see and not just a print...

Oh well, not sure what made me sit down this afternoon and write... maybe it's the idea that nothing last forever and just once for a second I would like to know that something I've done has touched someone.. may I dream to much... or maybe I don't dream enough.. what ever --- this is me and I can't change..