Dad

Loneliness is about the scariest thing out there. ~ Joss Whedon

It’s been a long time I know… for some reason I just haven’t been able to write. I think about it, but I just can’t sit down and do it. Maybe soon I can get back in to it.

It’s been just over two years now that Dad passed away. This morning when I called Mom she was talking about him a lot. She realizes now how Dad’s last couple of years must have been. Today she told me that Dad had to be lonely there at the house every day while she worked. Dad had gotten were it hard for him to get around and he couldn’t go out in the yard, couldn’t drive anymore so all he had to do was watch tv, take care of his little dog, Newly, and watch the birds at the feeder. He always enjoyed telling me about his birds and now when I go up to see Mom I like to sit in his chair and watch “his” birds. A funny thing happened not long ago. Mom had to talk Dad’s little dog to the vet . When the vet asked what the dogs name was Mom said, “Charles named her Newly, but I don’t know where he come up with the name”. When I went up to see Mom a couple of weeks ago she told me that she and Gene had figured out where Dad got the name Newly from, he had gotten it from watching Gunsmoke. All those years and Mom and my brother didn’t know that … guess I knew Dad on a different level or maybe I’m a lot like him. He loved Gunsmoke and it wasn’t long after Dad passed away that “Marshal Matt Dillon’ passed. It’s my hope that heaven is as real as we think and people like my Dad can talk to the ‘Marshal Matt Dillon’s’ that we looked up to. To say I miss Dad is an understatement… the old house just isn’t the same and Mom is now left alone and even thro she tries to fight off the loneness, I can hear it in her voice when I call her. Yes loneness is a frightening feeling.



My new grandbaby, Mari Caroline, will be six weeks old tomorrow.

Being Left Behind

Time is what we want most,
but what we use worst.
~ William Penn

Where did the time go? I can’t believe it was in September when I last wrote in here. For some reason I just haven’t wanted to write. Since my last visit Trent had his first birthday and I had my 57th birthday. That really makes me wonder – WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE…

When we start a job and have been there for years we start to dream about how it will one day feel to retire. I’m getting close to, but with very mixed feelings. I feel like I’m falling behind. Others are planning their future with the hospital and I see my past. I’ve had a good run with the hospital; I’ve worked hard and worked on many projects. The idea of giving my desk up and someone else sitting there kinda makes me uneasy. I had always hoped someday to do what I’ve always enjoyed, photography, but I don’t know if that will ever be. Everyone likes my work, but no one wants to own any of it.

Maybe within the next year I’ll find that peace that I need and again start looking forward to my retirement years.

My Star

In the night of death, hope sees a star,
and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing.  ~Robert Ingersoll

It’s been a good day today… a very good day and I think it’s because I had a visit last night from Dad.  I only saw his face for a second and only heard a few words, but his face and words told me he was happy.  Dad’s been gone a year and a half now and this was the first time I’ve ever dreamed about him.  My whole outlook as been better today… isn’t it something how a few seconds of a dream can make you feel good.  Maybe it was the ‘rustle of a wing’ knowing that I really needed something and I can’t think of a better gift than that short visit.  

Gage

The note about said it all… Melissa (my daughter) posted this picture this afternoon on her Facebook page. She brings the boys to me each morning and I take them to school for her.. She came in this morning tell me how Gage and Noah had gotten up and gotten dressed and that Gage had fixed Noah’s and his lunch box. She didn’t tell me about the note… LOL… This is what Melissa wrote this afternoon, “I opened his lunchbox to see what he packed for him. This is the note that I found on top that he wrote to Noah. ❤”

This little simple note to Gage wrote to his younger brother means more to me than all the money in the world. My Grandkids and Kids are my world…

My Little Web

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. ~Robert Heinlein

I’m not sure what has happened, but I’m finding it much harder to write now days. I think about and want to; I just can’t sit at the keyboard.


Today after lunch I went out back to be with the grandkids… Gage and Noah were running around like always and little McKenna trying her best to keep up with them and today Charlie joined in the race. I was sitting there watching them and I could see little Trent in his walker… I came in to get him and his little face lit up like the sun. He and I sat and watch the others running around and every time McKenna would get close he would just smile. He loves his big sister.



Watching the kids run today made me so happy. I don’t think there’s anyway I could describe the feeling... it was just that a feeling… watching the little ones that only a few months ago couldn’t do anything on their own are now beginning to venture out… it very so slow, but they are doing it…


The quote is so true… my happiness is when my girls and my grandbabies are happy. The picture of the web… we are family… we are woven together like this web…

There has to be more...

If you truly love Nature, you will find beauty everywhere.
~Vincent Van Gogh

For 3 years now I’ve been sharing my sunrises with friends on Facebook. A lot of them have no idea who I am. There are times I’m not even sure myself. I told myself that I wasn’t going to let myself get upset like I have allowed myself to do this weekend, but sometimes it’s a lot easier said than done.


Most people would be surprised to know that I started showing the sunrise because I was hurt and I needed a way to express myself and from that it kinda grew into a daily following for my friends and I’m very thankful for each one of them.


Looking at the picture one can see so many colors and feel the power of the storm. On the other hand there are things missing from the picture that no one would ever know about. Yes, I look through the lens each morning and try to compose my shots, moving from place to place, but if it wasn’t for my friends what good would it be…. You’ll are the ones that care that look forward to my sunrise post … or at least I hope you do. It makes me feel like I’m doing something. What good is something if you can’t share it.


I enjoy the sunrise each and every one of them… each one is special… but there has to be more…

The Dance

"Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance”

~ Garth Brooks - The Dance

I talked to Lauren, saw Mary, and had lunch with Melissa today. There’s no way I could have ever dreamed 35 years ago I would have 3 little girls and now 5 grandbabies. Times slips away like the water did through our hands on that beach so many years ago… I will always be thankful for what the dance gave me.

Rainy Day

Reality bites... and doesn't let go.
~Author Unknown

It’s been one of those days; it has rained almost all day. Days like this give me too much time to think. The house is way to quiet and the ghosts begin to come out. Ghost of the future haunt me… mocking me… what may be, what could be, what never will be. They tell me that this as good as it gets… look around… listen… what do you hear and that’s the problem… I hear the “nothing” and that is a terrible sound. No matter how hard I try to block things, there’s always that small crack in with the ghost can get in and make me look at where I am. Where am I one may ask… at times I’m on the open sea with waves throwing me around and I have no control where I will end up… other times it’s as if I’m on the beach, I can see the surf, but there’s no sound, I can see the water, but I can’t feel it… it’s like being in a crowd, yet you’re all alone.

I've found the Dx

“Over time, loneliness gets inside you and doesn't go away.”

~ Carlos Ruiz Zafón

I think there comes a time when you reach that point of no return… I think it is called the “event horizon” in black holes. It’s at this point there’s no escape, you are pulled in and nothing ever comes out again. I really didn’t know just how close I was to my “event horizon”. I had gotten where I would get upset at the grandkids over nothing. That’s not me… that’s not the person I want to be.

 Last weekend, June 30, I asked my oldest daughter if she and the grand boys would like to go out to eat and spend the day. As it turned Lauren and little Charlie went also. We spent the whole day together. McKenna and Charlie played so hard in the little people section and Gage and Noah got to play with the big things. Ever now and then Noah would check on me and the little ones…


When I finally got home that night I was so tired, but yet I felt better than I had in a long time. Then yesterday Mary had McKenna’s second birthday party. Again I was with the grandkids and the girls and again I felt alive again. Five little hearts just wanting my attention and 3 very precious daughters will to put up with me.

 Loneness doesn’t just happen over night… it easies it way into our lives and before long we really have no life. We become bitter and worse of all we hurt the very ones we love the most. It may be a battle, but at least I know what I’m fighting now and knowing that helps.

Just a simple "Hi There"

Today was one of those days where I would just like to get my hands around someone’s neck and squeeze until they turned blue. Then out of no where I check my Facebook and there’s a message. Just a friendly note checking to see how I was doing, but that simple ‘HI THERE’ changed my whole afternoon.


 Never, never under estimate what a simple kind word can do and mean to a person. Never miss a chance to be that friend or better yet that stranger that brightens another’s person’s day and all it may take is a smile or in my case “Hi there”.