45 years ago

 July 11, 2021 – Sunday

On a Sunday afternoon 45 years ago today I packed my suitcase with my best clothes, which was not much, and when I got to the intersection Whitesand Road & HWY 13 I turned SOUTH.   Little did I know that afternoon, but I was about to start a whole new life and what would become home as I was headed to THE COAST.  Where I am from Gulfport, Biloxi, and Pascagoula was all lumped together as “The Coast”… the place we would come down for the day and play on the beach and pick up shells now knowing they had LIVE hermit craps living in them. 

Here I was starting a new job at the hospital being the third shift computer operator… If you had looked up CLUELESS I’m pretty sure my picture would have been on the page. Working nights and I couldn’t sleep, didn’t eat and was so homesick all I wanted to do was get back above I-10 and find a job.  A year later I got married and a year after that we had our first little girl.  This time if you had looked up CLUELESS you would have seen both of us. Here we were with this little girl and didn’t have any idea how to care of her. I think Ginger stayed on the phone with my Mom a lot… I was still working nights still could not sleep and still wanted to get back above 1-10 even above HWY 98 way above… We made it and Melissa survived somehow.  After about 7 years I got promoted to Lead Operator working days and made new “day” friends.  Friends that took an interest in me and started teaching me COBOL.  I soon found out I enjoyed writing computer programs and I was making life much better and easier for the night shift operators with what I had learned.  The night shift is when all the real work was done, and I do mean WORK. From there I have got Oscar Beck to thank for believing in me and giving me the chance to go into programming.  I got promoted to programmer, got a house then came my second daughter, Lauren.  Couple of year latter I was promoted to programmer analyst and yeah you guessed it … my third little girl, Mary.  I am glad I didn’t want to go for manger… LOL   Years went by Melissa became a RN BSN and is a manger in Surgery at the hospital. Tomorrow, exactly 45 years to the day I started, Lauren will start working at the hospital in the IPS Department.  Mary now lives in Cameron, LA and is a FULL Time Mother.  When I left 45 years ago never did I dream that I would have 3 daughters, 3 sons-in-law’s, and 8 grandkids.  If I could go back and ride with my young self today, I think all I would tell the young me is that the road want be easy, there’s going to be some hurts, some setbacks, lots of whys, but BOY you just wait and see how it’s going to turn out --- you just will not believe it.
 

I saw Dad

“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.”   ~E.A. Bucchianeri

September 2, 2015 – Wednesday

For the first time in a long time I had a dream about Dad this morning. He was so young and so full of life.  I was fussing to him about the person that cuts my grass had cut down my milkweed plants.  Dad did look good oh… not sure what he told me because Cody jumped up on the side of the bed and I realized I had over slept.  I wonder what triggers dreams like this. There’s nothing special about the dates and I didn’t do anything yesterday that I would have triggered it.   There’s times I wish I knew how to trigger dreams like this just so I could see them again.

Back Once More

“life without love, is no life at all” ~ Leonardo da Vinci

August 29, 2015 – Saturday

It’s been awhile hasn’t it?  Time has a way of going by so fast yet it never goes faster than 60 seconds per minute… funny had that happens.  Ten years ago today, a Monday, so many lives were turned upside down and so many families lost love ones when Katrina hit the Gulf Coast.  I was at the hospital my kids were spread all over or so if felt.  I wasn’t able to hear from them and that was one of the worse feeling I had ever had.  Ten years and yet I can remember somethings about it as if it where last week.   It’s kinda funny that I’m sitting here and I’m having problems getting in touch with the kids.  Guess that goes with getting older – just not needed as much.   I retired in December of 2013 and things were going good or so we thought until October of 2014 when the news broke that the hospital had not being paying into the retirement system.   As of today we, the retirees aren’t sure what is going to happen.  For over 8 months I wasn’t able to sleep worrying about it and at one point it even go so bad I wasn’t able to pick my camera up.  The one thing that I loved to do, I couldn’t.  I wish I could say I’m back to 100% with my photography, but the fact is I’m still having a few problems and at times I just have to force myself to get up and go shoot.  When I do go out, I enjoy it, but still way back in my little brain there’s that fear that I still may lose everything – and that is such a sinking feeling.  This morning I went over to Bayou La Batre to shoot.  The weather was great and I really enjoyed it, but I must say this as much as I enjoy shooting and seeing things the way I do there’s something missing.  I get so tired talking to myself and getting the same reply.  HAHA
While I’m taking about my pictures --  Debi Lane has gotten me to a couple of art and craft shows and even join the South Mississippi Art Association.  Now here’s the big thing... Wade, the president, has asked me to give a program on the 8^th.  It may be a train wreck, but I’m looking forward to it.  At least I’ll get go show off some of my work to people that hasn’t seen it.  Well I hope I can start and keep this up again.   

January 11, 2014 -- Saturday

You can't postpone sorrow, so why would you postpone happiness? ~Robert Brault

---------

Sometimes I think I live right on the edge of happiness, but it’s a place with high walls and a locked gate.  I have a key that fits in the lock, but it want open the gate.  On the other side I hear people laughing and making plans while on this side I just hang my head and ask why… Why can’t I be happy… what am I doing wrong?  Maybe I’m to live a life alone and never know a smile again. Is this the way one should live their life?  

Light from the Darkness

When one door of happiness
closes, another opens;
but often we look so long at the closed door that
we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
~ Helen Keller

I often wonder if at some point and time I would ever be happy again. There have been times I felt like the darkness would over take me so why fight.  It's very strange that just when I feel the night is the darkest there's a streak of light of hope breaks through. 

Sunrise Sept 01, 2013mj

Happy

 All God’s angels come to us disguised.
~James Russell Lowell 

July 30, 2013 -- Tuesday

Today I’ve had one of the best days I’ve had in way to long…. My dear friend
Sundra came down yesterday to visit friends and we had dinner together last
night. Sundra is one of those friends I may not see for a year of more, but when
we see each other it’s just like we had seen each other just a day or so ago.
Being alone all the time one sometimes forgets how it feels to laugh and how
good it is to have someone talk to. In the past few years today has always been
a bad day, but today I’ve felt more alive than I have in a very long time. I
wish everyone could have a "Sundra”… someone that likes you for who you are and
wants nothing from you but your true friendship.

Sunrise Today

April 08, 2013

The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and
we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and
we only know them when they are gone.  ~George Elliot

When I got up this morning the morning sky was all cloudy and dark for the most part and just before I was about to leave for work I looked out back and saw this bright orange/yellow sky. I just had to get a picture of it… I was thinking how I could possibly use it in a slideshow at some point.

When I got to work I read where Margaret Thatcher had passed away. Mrs. Thatcher was a strong lady and I feel she was a good leader. I’ll always remember how she stood with President Ronald Reagan.


When I got home this afternoon I learned that Annette Funicello passed away also today. Annette was an original Mouseketeer. I like what she said :

She remembered in 1987: "Mr. Disney said to me one day, 'Annette, I have a favor to ask of you. I know all the girls are wearing bikinis, but you have an image to uphold. I would appreciate it if you would wear a one-piece suit.' I did, and I never regretted it."


Now I know why the sunrise was so nice… Heaven was opening its gates for two great ladies.

Dad

Loneliness is about the scariest thing out there. ~ Joss Whedon

It’s been a long time I know… for some reason I just haven’t been able to write. I think about it, but I just can’t sit down and do it. Maybe soon I can get back in to it.

It’s been just over two years now that Dad passed away. This morning when I called Mom she was talking about him a lot. She realizes now how Dad’s last couple of years must have been. Today she told me that Dad had to be lonely there at the house every day while she worked. Dad had gotten were it hard for him to get around and he couldn’t go out in the yard, couldn’t drive anymore so all he had to do was watch tv, take care of his little dog, Newly, and watch the birds at the feeder. He always enjoyed telling me about his birds and now when I go up to see Mom I like to sit in his chair and watch “his” birds. A funny thing happened not long ago. Mom had to talk Dad’s little dog to the vet . When the vet asked what the dogs name was Mom said, “Charles named her Newly, but I don’t know where he come up with the name”. When I went up to see Mom a couple of weeks ago she told me that she and Gene had figured out where Dad got the name Newly from, he had gotten it from watching Gunsmoke. All those years and Mom and my brother didn’t know that … guess I knew Dad on a different level or maybe I’m a lot like him. He loved Gunsmoke and it wasn’t long after Dad passed away that “Marshal Matt Dillon’ passed. It’s my hope that heaven is as real as we think and people like my Dad can talk to the ‘Marshal Matt Dillon’s’ that we looked up to. To say I miss Dad is an understatement… the old house just isn’t the same and Mom is now left alone and even thro she tries to fight off the loneness, I can hear it in her voice when I call her. Yes loneness is a frightening feeling.



My new grandbaby, Mari Caroline, will be six weeks old tomorrow.

Being Left Behind

Time is what we want most,
but what we use worst.
~ William Penn

Where did the time go? I can’t believe it was in September when I last wrote in here. For some reason I just haven’t wanted to write. Since my last visit Trent had his first birthday and I had my 57th birthday. That really makes me wonder – WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE…

When we start a job and have been there for years we start to dream about how it will one day feel to retire. I’m getting close to, but with very mixed feelings. I feel like I’m falling behind. Others are planning their future with the hospital and I see my past. I’ve had a good run with the hospital; I’ve worked hard and worked on many projects. The idea of giving my desk up and someone else sitting there kinda makes me uneasy. I had always hoped someday to do what I’ve always enjoyed, photography, but I don’t know if that will ever be. Everyone likes my work, but no one wants to own any of it.

Maybe within the next year I’ll find that peace that I need and again start looking forward to my retirement years.

My Star

In the night of death, hope sees a star,
and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing.  ~Robert Ingersoll

It’s been a good day today… a very good day and I think it’s because I had a visit last night from Dad.  I only saw his face for a second and only heard a few words, but his face and words told me he was happy.  Dad’s been gone a year and a half now and this was the first time I’ve ever dreamed about him.  My whole outlook as been better today… isn’t it something how a few seconds of a dream can make you feel good.  Maybe it was the ‘rustle of a wing’ knowing that I really needed something and I can’t think of a better gift than that short visit.