Holidays Once Again

Here it is Thanksgiving already... I don't have a clue where this year has gone, but it sure has gone by fast.  My Little McKenna is almost 5 months old already and Mary called me yesterday afternoon all excited telling me that she had rolled over on her own.  The little first things like that mean so much to us.  I was watching a video Sunday with Gage.. he liked looking at his Mom when she was a little girl... and so do I... it's fun a to sit and watch the video of the girls when they were small and it also kinda hurts.. it makes me think of things I really don't like to think about... TIME... and how fast it gets away from me.  I look at the Grandkids and see how fast they are growing and think how fast I'm growing older.  There's nothing I can do to stop it, but yet I can't stop worrying about it.  I can't seem to enjoy the "NOW" for thinking about the "LATER"... I know this is so crazy and if I could I would really like not to think about it.  I think the holidays have a lot to do with it... I'm off from work and all I do is sit around here. What on earth will I ever do when and if I ever retire? I'm afraid I will really go over the deep end.... hahaha ... Next Tues will be a big day for us and I'll post something about it then... Well for now I'm going to close and see if I can find anything to do today to keep my mind from going to the dark places that get me upset...

Melissa

Nov 2, 1978... Did my world ever change... and change for the better. My little girl, I've held you, rocked you, and most of all loved you. We have laughed and cried together and together we have taken first steps together of one kind or another.
Looking back all I can say is where did the years go and why did they go so fast? Thinking about this reminds me of when I would take you to preschool and we would sit and listen to Paul Harvey then you would go in... I remember the Halloween Mom was in the hospital and I tried to dress you up.... hahaha...
I remember how happy I the night you walked across the PHS football field, the night you walked across the stage at MGCCC with your Nursing degree... the afternoon I took your arm and walked you down the aisle... the afternoons you gave me 2 grandsons… and when you got your BSN from USM... A Dad never forgets these special times and this is only a few... I remember all the hugs all the times you pulled my hair because you wanted to play beauty shop... and every tug and every hug was written on my heart.
The other day Melissa, you told me that I was a good Paw Paw... and remember what I told you.. I had good teachers.. I hope that we (Mom and I) have been the kind of teachers that I learned from...
There's not day or a moment that I don't think about you and your sisters and what you mean to me.

With all my love on your special day... 
Happy Birthday..
Love,
Dad

Sat Morning Sunrise

What a great morning it was... I got up and went down to 'The Point' again this morning to shoot the sunrise... and once again I was not disappointed...

The only sound heard this morning was the waves coming ashore... it was so peaceful.. then Eastern sky begin to turn a bright orange... and then the Sun broke the horizon. Within a minute of this it was over... the Sun was up and the sunrise for today was over-- never to be repeated or seen again.

When people ask me "Why do I get up so early?"... I just smile at them and say "If you only knew what you were missing"...

For me my photography is much more than merely going out and shooting a lot of pictures and hoping I've got one good one.. This is my art it's a part of me-- I put thought in every shot , not all of them turn out the way I envisioned them sometimes, but it's just not a point and shoot thing for me.  When you see one of my pictures you are seeing a part of my very soul.  This is my passion-- my escape from the day to day work load. 

It was very quiet at The Point this morning... sometimes this can be a good thing and at others it can sound like thunder (the quiet) ... Think about it... and I hope you can't understand this statement.. 

If I had to rate this morning from 1-10 it would be a 10+.... God's beauty is everywhere and He has given me the chance to see it and to stop time if only for 1/800 of a second here in this picture... for this short time -- time did stand still. 

Where has the time gone?

I'm not sure where my time goes, but it sure goes by fast.  How long has it been since I've written here? To long that's for sure or maybe it's just because I've got nothing really to say lately. 

Last weekend I shot pictures at Camp Bluebird and as always I had a good time.  Other than that all I've been shooting is the sunrise over my backyard.  At times I feel like I'm missing out on something, but I'm just not one to pick up and go by myself.  I would love to go to the mountains at this time of the year and shoot the trees... or at least I think I would.  It would be my luck I would get up there and not shoot a thing.  I dropped out of the camera club... like everything else everyone had their own little click and that was it.... no room for an outsider...

Now we're coming up on Thanksgiving and Christmas... and I'm not really looking forward to it.  It's not one of my best times... I'll be off from work a good bit and sitting around here is as much fun as watching grass grow. 

I may get myself a big Christmas gift... I keep thinking about.. I sure would like the have the Canon 5D Mark II.  If I could get paid for the Sept wedding I may order it, but it looks like I've been had again.. well not as bad as it has been in the past... but still pretty bad.  I also did a Senior shoot a couple of weeks ago.. very pretty young lady... I hope she liked the pictures.. I wish I could hear something... 'the pictures were good','the pictures sucked' -- just something... I need to know how people feel about my work... Wish I could go back to school and take some classes... but the only photo classes around here are not what I'm looking for.... I'll just keep trying and see what turns up I guess. 

Bayou La Batre

Shot pictures yesterday afternoon at Bayou La Batre, AL.  I've been wanting to go over there for a long time, but I didn't know where to go to see the boats other than at the bridge there no the main road.  Even shooting from there I would have only gotten a few shots..

I was talking to Keely yesterday telling her I was wanting to go over to the Ocean Springs Inner Habor and get some pictures for the hospital calendar we do each year and she told me if I wanted pictures of boats she and Pete would take me over to Bayou La Batre...

When the sun started to set I didn't know which way to shoot first.  The only bad  thing is once  the sun starts to set it goes down fast.  I got a lot of shots I really like and you can bet I'll be back again and again. 

Would like to THANK Pete and Keely for taking time to take me over there and for showing me around..

Dad's Pain

What is a Dad to do when his little girl calls and deep down he knows she is upset and even thro she tries to hide it he knows she is crying???

For me I just talk to her and try to assure her that things will be ok as I fight back the tears. Being a Dad or Mom isn't an easy job and it's a job you can't call in sick, take a vacation, quit, or retire from... and even if any of these options were possible I wouldn't want to take any of them.

My little girls (grown now- but still my little girls) are the most valuable thing I have and there's not one thing I wouldn't do for them.

The thing that hurts me the most is when one of them is hurting and there's nothing I can do. This just rips my heart out of my chest.

Remember when your children were small and they would ask the question "WHY" and most of the time you could come up with an answer.. well now there's a WHY out there I can't answer and it makes me question everything I've ever been taught... I look around and see and hear of children being beaten, abandoned, not loved and even aborted.. and even I have to ask WHY... for me there's something so wrong with all this and I just can't get my mind and arms around it and it hurts me.. What do I tell my little girl??? Can someone explain it to me so maybe I can kinda understand... I see no rhyme or reason to anything anymore...

All I know is that my baby girl is hurting and there's nothing Dad can do and that is just about to tear me apart.  I just want to take her in my arms and just hold her as I did so many years ago and just rock her and whisper to her again that it's going to be ok.. Dad's got ya...

Dreams Again

I had another dream this week. The dream wasn't one were people died or got hurt, but it was one of those dreams where I was with friends, but I didn't know any of them. We were laughing, talking and just having the best time... then I woke up. It was so disappointing to realize it was only a dream. This whole week this dream has been on my mind and I can't seem to forget it and it has made me feel so bad for some reason... I can't put my finger on just what it is or why... and I really hate feeling this way. Last night I couldn't sleep and part of it was I kept trying to remember the people in the dream and what impact they may have had on me to make me think of them... I just can't let go of this and I don't know why. Maybe it's caused from worry or stress. All I do know is that it was a party and it was so much fun to laugh.... maybe I really am going over the edge.. if over the edge is like the dream let's go... maybe being crazy isn't as bad as we think it is. hahaha...

The picture is one I took a couple of weeks ago when I went to Mom and Dads for the church reunion... We had a little party Sat night and when I left that night I knew I could go to church Sunday morning... there was something inside of me hurting from seeing all my old dear friends... and I just couldn't stand the pain... for some reason I felt like I was on the outside looking in...my friends did nothing to make me feel this way.. it was all me... in a way I feel like I've lost everything... it's something I can't explain.. but the hurt I felt was real.   There's times I just sit here and wonder... wonder about the meaning of it all and how things came to be as they are... I try not to think about it to much... maybe I'm just tired... that's it ... I'm just tired...

What's missing?

Not real sure what I want to say this afternoon, but for some reason I just had to sit down and try to write something. 

I went home this past weekend... all excited about seeing everyone and really I did enjoy talking to and being with old friends some I haven't seen in over 30 years, but for some reason when I left Saturday night it was like I had lost a part of my very soul.  There was an emptiness in me almost like a hurt.  I can't tell you what caused this it surly wasn't anyone at the party or maybe it was everyone at the party.  Maybe I was wanting/hoping to bring back some of those long gone years... I don't know what I was hoping for, but what ever it was it didn't show up or maybe it was there, but I've let my heart grow so cold that I can't or want allow it to feel the love of even friends anymore.  I fault no one but myself for not trying to fit in anymore... I wish I had a better answer.. I've gone over this a millon times in my mind just trying to tie something down... but each time I come up with nothing. 

I called Mom last night just to check on them... when I left Sunday she knew I was upset.  She told me last night that I couldn't  see were I was going if I kept looking back.. well sometimes I feel like I've left everything behind me and there's nothing to be looking forward to... Oh I know people will say you've got your children and grand children.. and I do and God knows how I love them and there's nothing I wouldn't do for them, but still there's times not even they can fill the void I feel.  At times I feel like this old tree... just standing in the shadow.

This was not written as a "poor me" ... I just write how I feel and to try to find peace within myself.  
   

My new little Princess

McKenna Renee came into my life last Saturday (07/03/2010) afternoon around 1pm.  The fact of the matter she has been a part of my life for 6 months and from the time I found out that my little girl was going to have a baby I starting to loving her.  Now that I can hold her and love on her it's just better.  I go over every day at lunch and spend time with Mary and McKenna if it's nothing more that just sitting and watching her sleep.  Being PawPaw has been so good for me.  The boys are now getting to the age where we can go places and do things together and they do enjoy it... I'm not sure who has the most fun them or me. 

Gage and Noah (1st cousins) just think she is the prettiest thing in the world.  When Gage gets to hold her it's nothing but smiles.. McKenna will always have someone to be there and take up for her.. these little boys or 1000% boys and they don't take stuff off anyone.. they don't start trouble but no one is going to start something with one of them without the other one steping in... 

I called Lauren last night asking her what would be good to eat we got to talking and she told me that Lane was having to go work at the fire station last night and that she wanted something good to eat... so she and i went and had dinner together.. I don't know what I would do without my daughters... they make old Dad proud and happy.

We're having a reunion in August... the Whitesand Youth from the 70's are getting together.  At first I was looking forward to it.. now I've kinda got mixed emotions about it. I don't know... seems like I'm always hearing things that kinda makes me feel like I've kinda failed in some ways.  I'm sure I'll go and put on a happy face... not sure if I'll stay for the Sunday morning service... i guess it just depends on how it goes Saturday afternoon.  Oh I know I've got so much to be thankful for.. there's just things I'm afraid will hurt... but really I can't wait to see the group.. God knows we were so close many years ago and now look at us the old folks... 

   

34 Years Ago TODAY

It was 34 years ago today - Friday - that I was in Panama City Beach Florida... on our way to the  Miracle Strip Amusement Park... for us life was just beginning... here on the same day 34 years latter I'm leaving the hospital where my youngest daughter is about to have a little girl.. my third grand baby and my first grand daughter... I just find it very funny that all this is taking place on the same days as this special time in my life.  I can almost hear the sounds of the old park... and talk about good doughnuts... they were so good there on the beach those couple of mornings.  Time moves forward.. I hope tomorrow by this time I'll be writting about my new little McKenna.. but I'll never for get that time in the Summer of 1976.  

  http://www.miraclestripamusementpark.panamacitysun.com/