Dad's Pain

What is a Dad to do when his little girl calls and deep down he knows she is upset and even thro she tries to hide it he knows she is crying???

For me I just talk to her and try to assure her that things will be ok as I fight back the tears. Being a Dad or Mom isn't an easy job and it's a job you can't call in sick, take a vacation, quit, or retire from... and even if any of these options were possible I wouldn't want to take any of them.

My little girls (grown now- but still my little girls) are the most valuable thing I have and there's not one thing I wouldn't do for them.

The thing that hurts me the most is when one of them is hurting and there's nothing I can do. This just rips my heart out of my chest.

Remember when your children were small and they would ask the question "WHY" and most of the time you could come up with an answer.. well now there's a WHY out there I can't answer and it makes me question everything I've ever been taught... I look around and see and hear of children being beaten, abandoned, not loved and even aborted.. and even I have to ask WHY... for me there's something so wrong with all this and I just can't get my mind and arms around it and it hurts me.. What do I tell my little girl??? Can someone explain it to me so maybe I can kinda understand... I see no rhyme or reason to anything anymore...

All I know is that my baby girl is hurting and there's nothing Dad can do and that is just about to tear me apart.  I just want to take her in my arms and just hold her as I did so many years ago and just rock her and whisper to her again that it's going to be ok.. Dad's got ya...

Dreams Again

I had another dream this week. The dream wasn't one were people died or got hurt, but it was one of those dreams where I was with friends, but I didn't know any of them. We were laughing, talking and just having the best time... then I woke up. It was so disappointing to realize it was only a dream. This whole week this dream has been on my mind and I can't seem to forget it and it has made me feel so bad for some reason... I can't put my finger on just what it is or why... and I really hate feeling this way. Last night I couldn't sleep and part of it was I kept trying to remember the people in the dream and what impact they may have had on me to make me think of them... I just can't let go of this and I don't know why. Maybe it's caused from worry or stress. All I do know is that it was a party and it was so much fun to laugh.... maybe I really am going over the edge.. if over the edge is like the dream let's go... maybe being crazy isn't as bad as we think it is. hahaha...

The picture is one I took a couple of weeks ago when I went to Mom and Dads for the church reunion... We had a little party Sat night and when I left that night I knew I could go to church Sunday morning... there was something inside of me hurting from seeing all my old dear friends... and I just couldn't stand the pain... for some reason I felt like I was on the outside looking in...my friends did nothing to make me feel this way.. it was all me... in a way I feel like I've lost everything... it's something I can't explain.. but the hurt I felt was real.   There's times I just sit here and wonder... wonder about the meaning of it all and how things came to be as they are... I try not to think about it to much... maybe I'm just tired... that's it ... I'm just tired...

What's missing?

Not real sure what I want to say this afternoon, but for some reason I just had to sit down and try to write something. 

I went home this past weekend... all excited about seeing everyone and really I did enjoy talking to and being with old friends some I haven't seen in over 30 years, but for some reason when I left Saturday night it was like I had lost a part of my very soul.  There was an emptiness in me almost like a hurt.  I can't tell you what caused this it surly wasn't anyone at the party or maybe it was everyone at the party.  Maybe I was wanting/hoping to bring back some of those long gone years... I don't know what I was hoping for, but what ever it was it didn't show up or maybe it was there, but I've let my heart grow so cold that I can't or want allow it to feel the love of even friends anymore.  I fault no one but myself for not trying to fit in anymore... I wish I had a better answer.. I've gone over this a millon times in my mind just trying to tie something down... but each time I come up with nothing. 

I called Mom last night just to check on them... when I left Sunday she knew I was upset.  She told me last night that I couldn't  see were I was going if I kept looking back.. well sometimes I feel like I've left everything behind me and there's nothing to be looking forward to... Oh I know people will say you've got your children and grand children.. and I do and God knows how I love them and there's nothing I wouldn't do for them, but still there's times not even they can fill the void I feel.  At times I feel like this old tree... just standing in the shadow.

This was not written as a "poor me" ... I just write how I feel and to try to find peace within myself.  
   

My new little Princess

McKenna Renee came into my life last Saturday (07/03/2010) afternoon around 1pm.  The fact of the matter she has been a part of my life for 6 months and from the time I found out that my little girl was going to have a baby I starting to loving her.  Now that I can hold her and love on her it's just better.  I go over every day at lunch and spend time with Mary and McKenna if it's nothing more that just sitting and watching her sleep.  Being PawPaw has been so good for me.  The boys are now getting to the age where we can go places and do things together and they do enjoy it... I'm not sure who has the most fun them or me. 

Gage and Noah (1st cousins) just think she is the prettiest thing in the world.  When Gage gets to hold her it's nothing but smiles.. McKenna will always have someone to be there and take up for her.. these little boys or 1000% boys and they don't take stuff off anyone.. they don't start trouble but no one is going to start something with one of them without the other one steping in... 

I called Lauren last night asking her what would be good to eat we got to talking and she told me that Lane was having to go work at the fire station last night and that she wanted something good to eat... so she and i went and had dinner together.. I don't know what I would do without my daughters... they make old Dad proud and happy.

We're having a reunion in August... the Whitesand Youth from the 70's are getting together.  At first I was looking forward to it.. now I've kinda got mixed emotions about it. I don't know... seems like I'm always hearing things that kinda makes me feel like I've kinda failed in some ways.  I'm sure I'll go and put on a happy face... not sure if I'll stay for the Sunday morning service... i guess it just depends on how it goes Saturday afternoon.  Oh I know I've got so much to be thankful for.. there's just things I'm afraid will hurt... but really I can't wait to see the group.. God knows we were so close many years ago and now look at us the old folks... 

   

34 Years Ago TODAY

It was 34 years ago today - Friday - that I was in Panama City Beach Florida... on our way to the  Miracle Strip Amusement Park... for us life was just beginning... here on the same day 34 years latter I'm leaving the hospital where my youngest daughter is about to have a little girl.. my third grand baby and my first grand daughter... I just find it very funny that all this is taking place on the same days as this special time in my life.  I can almost hear the sounds of the old park... and talk about good doughnuts... they were so good there on the beach those couple of mornings.  Time moves forward.. I hope tomorrow by this time I'll be writting about my new little McKenna.. but I'll never for get that time in the Summer of 1976.  

  http://www.miraclestripamusementpark.panamacitysun.com/  

My Fears

Fear can be an ally or it can be your wrose enemy. Right now it's my enemy... I have this awful fear of being alone.  I can't explain it the feeling and I think that is what worries me the most.  Even when I'm at work with all my friends around I feel like I'm in my own little world far away... maybe it's the fact that I'm getting older and my future want be with my friends and knowing they will be learning new things while I become old and just sit and talk about the days gone by... of what used to be.  I just don't like  the idea of sitting here alone.. this is one of my biggest fears... being alone

Where's the birds

I rode down the Pascagoula Beach yesterday, June 7, 2010, looking for a pelican I heard had oil on it, but I never found/saw it. 


After I didn't find it I stopped at the park and went walking on the peir and I did spot one pelican sitting out on a marker.  He was about 150 yards away so I really couldn't say he was the one with the oil.  It was so strange out on the pier yesterday afternoon... there wasn't any wind and even worse there was any birds.  Then this shrimp boat came by I shot pictures of it and it wasn't until I got home I realized there weren't any birds after it.  Every time I've seen a shrimp boat coming in it's been covered with seagulls and here this one with nothing.  Actually I saw two boats and neither had birds. 

It just felt so strange yesterday being in the pier with out the pelicans and seagulls flying all around and even at 'The Point' there wasn't any gulls.  Does it have anything to do with the oil spill??? I don't know..  The oil spill is just so bad... and the most innocent of all are paying the price... 

The Dummy Line

If this old road could talk the what a story it could tell. 

The old road at one time was a railroad bed, but that was before my time, for me it's always been know as the Dummy Line... I really need to ask Mom and Dad how it get that name, but to me as I was growing up it was a magic road.  When I walked down the path I could be on a safari looking for big game animals, or I may be leading my company of soliders to our next battle, or I may be a cop trying to run down some gangster on my bike.

I never knew what the next stroll down the old road would bring me, but looking back I think I gave me something at has helped me thru the years... it helped me build my imagination....


Now days I'm afraid kids don't have the imagination that we had because they don't have to imagine what a dragon looks like or would act like... it's all there for them in the games they play on their computers.  I wish there was a way just for one day I could be the same age as my grandsons and together we could walk down the old road in search of adventure... I guess in a way everytime I we walk down the path I do become that little boy again looking for that dragon. 


More than anything I think it's so important to keep the memories of our childhood alive and to pass them on to your children and our childrens children... how else will they know that Paw Paw was once a little boy that played here... looked for dragons, lead an army, went on big game hunts.  So many times we try to forget the past and in doing so we start to lose who we are... oh there's a lot of past I would like to forget but there's just somethings you can't close down no matter how hard one tries. 


So the time I go to see Mom and Dad you can bet I'll walk down the old road once again and almost like magic when I walk past the gate I can see and hear a little boy once again with his BB gun ahead of me, his dogs close by looking for that quest that only he's knows. 

PRECIOUS MEMORIES how they linger -- ever on my mind

Empty

I just feel empty today... 

How Time Changes Things

I've always heard that 'times heals all wounds'... well this may be true but not even time can heal the scars left by some pains. 

As I grow older, I see my life changing .... well the way I look at things anyway.  There were things I wanted so bad a couple of years back that now has no meaning to me what so ever.. It's really strange how our feeling for things change.  Oh there's still lots of things i want, but most of what I want isn't for me anymore... it's for my children and grandchildren... and what I want for them isn't things because 'things' don't last... what my wants for them are to be happy and love each other and to be there for each other... as for me well when I'm out with my camera and I can find something like this I'm happy... here again time has changed me... I've learned to look at things most people would pass by and maybe never give it a second look... this plant wasn't in some well kept water garden... it was in a ditch down a lonely old road were I go looking for birds to shoot. 

Yes time changes all of us...sometimes it helps ease the hurt, sometimes it helps us slow down so we can see the beauty of things others never see, sometimes we may even step back in time and re-live that last phone call from a friend who is no longer with us and think of how this person changed our lives just because.... times does change all of us.. sometimes for the better and sometimes for the bitterer...

I hope my time will be for the better... I want to find and share many more hidden treasures like this with others..