Just me thinking

Well another work day is done.. one more day closer to payday / retirement.. The subject came up today among Chip and myself. Chip didn't relize that I could retire at anytime... I guess what got us to talking about it was he got his 15 year pin today... and I was picking at him telling him I had one more I would like to get and that would be my 35 year pin... He could not believe that this year (July) will be my 34th year with the hospital system. WOW.. 34 years with the same company and in the same department.

I like to think about leaving, but what would I do with myself? As I stated this morning it's like no one wants photos or maybe it's just my photos. When I think about this the picture here is the way I feel. Like my time with the hospital I have put my heart and soul into my work. Maybe people just doesn't understand or see what I see...

With this picture I see a broken heart... I can feel her hurt.. maybe I see things that others can't or refuse to see. I can't or would I want to make people like my work.. my work is a part of me and I wouldn't have it any other way..

I'm going to keep shooting what and how I want to shoot it... some time, some where, some how, some one will like it... That's pretty much all I want... for someone to see something that I see and not just a print...

Oh well, not sure what made me sit down this afternoon and write... maybe it's the idea that nothing last forever and just once for a second I would like to know that something I've done has touched someone.. may I dream to much... or maybe I don't dream enough.. what ever --- this is me and I can't change..

Fat Tuesday

IT'S FAT TUESDAY...“Laissez les bon temps rouler” Happy Mardi Gras!

Here we are over half way thru February.. you know we'll look up and it's going to be Christmas again.... but let's not rush things.

So for this year I have not had one paying photo shot. Is it that things are so bad that people don't want to pay for pictures or is it my work sucks. Deep down these are questions have have to ask myself.. I really feel like my work can stand with any... now sure someone that shoots day after day may have a little edge on me but just wait.. some day people that have my prints are going to say this was one of "his prints' as in before WOW you've got a photo shot by William... hahaha... hey don't laugh it's going to happen.

This past weekend I did something I haven't done enought of... I took time for me... all the kids had things going on so I got in my truck and rode the back roads shooting pictures of birds and these trees. The old trees were killed in a fire but they refuse to fall... Maybe deep down that's the way I feel.... I refuse to quit... I refuse to fall... I may stumble, but I refuse to hit the ground.

There's a lot going on right now... things that make me have very mixed feelings about. All I've got to fall back on is that God makes no mistakes. Even at this I worry... when one child is happy and another one is upset... a parent is torn.. my heart wants to shout and at the same time it wants to weep.... what does a Dad do? I try to offer words of hope to the upset and happeness to to the other. Your children... I don't think even the grave can stop us loving them... I'm so lucky that I'm close to my girls.. even thro they don't tell me everything... they know they are my EVERYTHING.. I wish I could speak words of magic and all their dreams would come to be, but then after a time they would be left with the feeling of emptiness. True joy comes from working to get what you want... Now in all fairness here my children have never come to we wanting me to give them anything... we've always helped them but never have they expected anything from us... My girls... God himself only knows how much I love them and worry about them.. One already knows how it feels and one will before long and the other one will soon.. I keep tell her that things happen in its own time... somewhere there's a master plan and we only see the plan on a day to day base and then it's like a second to second look.

To my girls... Melissa, Lauren, and Mary Kathryn... I love you so much....

54 years ago

This was the sunrise for my birthday this morning -- Feb 10, 2010

Looking back I have to ask myself, just where did the past 54 years go and how did they get away from me so fast.

This morning I called Mom and she was wishing me a happy birthday and I asked her what it was like 54 year ago to.

The year was 1956, a Friday morning... EARLY MORNING. Mom told me that around midnight she knew something was wrong and she got Dad up and told him to go get her Mom... that would be Granny Roberts. Well about 5am Mom went to the hospital and as soon as it was light she said the whole clan showed up at the hospital. That would be Granny and Grandpaw Roberts, Aunt Sybil, Granny and Paw Lee. Mom said the little waiting room was full. It was around 9pm the Doctor came in and told her that the labor could go on until the next morning and she told him she couldn't stand it anymore. Before then she had just been laying there not complaining because of all the people coming and going out of the room and she said if she had said anything Granny Roberts would have had a fit of worry.. hahaha So sometime after 9pm I was born. What really gets me is that the next day Grandpaw Roberts brought Mom the biggest box of Valentine candy. I only wish my Grandparents were here to see my grandkids and to see what they passed on in the way wanting to spend time with me when I was young. I love being with my grandkids... they make me see things I haven't seen in years...

I must say it has been a great day...

A NEW DAY HAS COME

There was a big upset last night in Massachusetts...Republican Scott Brown won a bitter US Senate race in Massachusetts on Wednesday, dealing a stunning blow to Barack Obama's (the great one) legislative agenda and casting doubt on the fate of his sweeping healthcare overhaul. Brown's defeat of Democratic state Attorney General Martha Coakley robbed Democrats of the crucial 60th Senate vote they need to overcome Republican procedural hurdles and sent shudders of fear through Democrats facing tough races in November's congressional elections. A Republican in Massachusetts is unheard of... I bet old Ted Kennedy is turning all kinds of flips in his grave now...old Ted always thought he was better and above the law and what HE said had to go… I think he thought he was going to live and rule the Senate forever… but just look at it now… a Republican taking his seat...and one that may throw a monkey wrench (hahaha) in the great ones plan to change health care... and all the Democrats are asking their stupid selves 'how could this happen'.. easy... People are tired of the backroom deals the Democrats and the oh great one has been making.. We, the working people are taxed to death as it is.. these deal making Democrats don't care... they don't pay taxes anyway... I'm so glad the way the race went.. I hope come NOV a lot more Democrats will be looking in the HELP WANTED ads..

Merry Christmas 2009

Merry Christmas....

Wow.. another Christmas is here... how time does fly. It's been a good year for the most part. I was able to shoot a good many pictures for pleasure and even some for profit. I was able to buy a few new toys (100-400mm L lens) for one thing and I have enjoyed it so much.

It wasn't so long ago that by this time the house would be full for noise.. the voices of little girls screaming ... 'Look what Santa left me' it's a much different house this morning.. it's very quiet... just the puppies here. It's not a bad thing.. I've very glad the girls are happy with their own families now... My girls, how I love them... We were all together last night and watching them gave me a very good feeling... The love they have for each other and the way they care about each other just gives me such a feeling.... I guess Ginger and I did do something right... NO we did a lot right... as crazy as it may look from the outside looking in we are still a family...

I can't wait to go see the boys and see what ole Santa left them... oh the joys of having little ones on Christmas morning...

Here's wishing everyone a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS and VERY HAPPY AND BLESSED NEW YEAR..

What do they see?

Jonathan’s Dad passed away Wednesday afternoon, but Melissa did not want to upset Gage (who is only 5) so they tied to go on with life as much as possible. Thursday gage had his Thanksgiving lunch at school and I had the joy of meeting Melissa there and eating with him. Seeing the look on his face when he saw his Mom made my day and this little bit leads me into another… Jonathan, Melissa, and his Mom had to go to the funeral home Thursday even to make arrangements so Gee-Gee was keeping the boys. I went over to see Gee-Gee and talk with her about the flowers and to see the boys. Little Noah was all over me and as soon as Gage finished eating so was he. If one could bottle and sell the feeling I get from being loved like this…anyway Lauren came over to see Mom and the boys… I was holding Gage because he was tired and wanted his Mom and I looked up and Lauren had her head in Gee-Gee’s lap and that’s when I hit me…. It’s something I’ve always known, but there was just something about it Thursday night that really touched me. You never out grow Mom’s love and the need to be held by Mom no matter how old you are.


Melissa can to get the boys and I talked to her for a little and I came on home and shortly after so did Melissa and the boys. Well, I was talking to Melissa yesterday morning and she told me this story… now keep in mind Melissa and Jonathan at this point have not said anything about PawPaw Tolbert passing away… Melissa said she and Gage were talking on the ride home and Gage asked her.. Mom, who’s that man waving at us up in the sky. He has on a yellow shirt and white hair”… now remember Gage is only 5.

What today may bring

We wake-up and go about our lives,and for the most part we never think about what the day may bring or how it may end.

This fact hit close to home yesterday afternoon. Jonathan's Dad passed away suddenly at home. Jonathan has been with Melissa for so long it's like he's one of mine and he is ... I feel for them today. It's going to be hard for them and the part that hurts me the most is there's I can do to take the pain away. I think this is a Dad's worse feeling... the feeling of being helpless when it comes to our kids.

I try to make a point every day to let my kids know what they mean to me and how much I love them. I never what them to question my feelings for them if something like this should ever happen to me. They are my life and even when I'm gone from here... I will live on thru them.

Jonathan, son, there's very little I can do, but ALWAYS know I'm here for you. I'll be keeping you, Melissa, the boys. and your Mom close to my heart.

Halloween

Another month is gone.. we're heading into the Thanksgiving and Christmas season and it feels like only weeks ago we had did this.

I'm at a lost of words this morning. There's so many things going on all at once and I just can't rap my arms around it.

There was a time not so long ago I looked forward to go to work each day. It was always something new and exciting for me to do. How I wake up in the middle of the night on Sunday and dread over take me. I feel as thro I'm being used and used up... I feel as thro I'm being eased out of things, yet there isn't anyone willing to try to lean what I do. My work is just the day in, day out stuff I know.. but I don't think anyone knows just want goes on in one of my days... how many calls I get for special one time reports. No one cares yet.. but when I'm gone -- someone is going to see just what I did. Sure I would like to work with new systems and learn new things... but when it comes down to it.. it's the day to day things that will make or break...

Maybe it's the time of the year that makes me feel like this... I really don't like the holidays... I'm sorry I just can't help it...

I'm trying to ease into my business.. I'm going very slow, but I feel like that can be a good thing...I'm trying to build a rapport with the people I've worked with in hopes they will in turn show others my work and I can build from there. I'm in no rush... my goal is to trun out work that has emotions ...

I did a shoot not long ago of a new Dad with his new baby... I could see the love and also the fear in his look... not fear as one would think of it, but just being afriad of holding such a small little thing and knowing that you are responsible for this little thing... I know the feeling very well... this is what I want other to see and feel years later when they see the prints...

As I have stated before, photography is not a job for me... it's a passion ... A passion that I hope I never lose...

I hope you have a good day and that you have or will find your passion for something..

Oct...

Dates on a calendar mark the passing of our days… yet there are some days that want pass. They stay with us forever it seems and are constant reminders of the past, for good or bad. The third weekend of October is such a date… I’m reminded that it was on this weekend that we buried my Grandpaw Roberts, I remember this weekend every year that my brother Gene and I would camp out at Beauvoir and enjoy Fall Muster. Then Jeff got involved with the Sons of Confederate Soldiers and he would camp with us… The memories of those good times… Then there are still other memories that haunt me about this time…dark and cold days… I guess we all have times we would like to erase, but if erasing the bad would remove the good I think for now I would like for things to stay as they are… for now. Time does heal all wounds, but even time can heal the scar the wound left.

The coming of October means that the holidays are getting close… and there’s a part of me that can’t stand the holidays… I guess no matter how hard I try I can’t enjoy them… I know people may find this hard to understand and it’s my hope that you never understand it or even worse come to experience this feeling.

Passing of Time

Almost 2 hours has passed since I got out of bed this morning. Time that I can remember, but can never get back.

Last weekend we went up to see Mom and Dad and while we were there Gage wanted to go walking. He loves to walk down a little road while we have always called the 'Dummy Line'. Melissa, Lauren, and Mary walked with us and as we walked Melissa got to talking about how she and Granny Lee would walk up and down the old road. To me it was like yesterday that Granny was holding my hand and walking the old road with me.. that was almost 50 years ago..

So many times, I think, we take time for granted... that we are always going to have that second chance... We shouldn't feel like we have that chance.. Yesterday Gage wanted me to come over and get him... It's beginning to be a Saturday morning thing that I take him to McDonalds... and I think it's great. I like to do things with him so I asked if he would like to do this and that and finally I asked if he would like to go to the flea market in Mobile. We went over there and althro the flea market isn't one of my things I enjoyed it so much. The thing that made it so much fun was having Gage alone and just he and I talking. Don't think a 5 year old can't tell you somethings.. hahaha

We talked about school.. about the playground... about his new friends.. and the games we made up as we went.. we took the back roads this time just so we could see things and some of the things he saw... it was still pretty early and the early morning sun was shinning on the trees... Gage said something to the effect that he liked the way it looked... I may have my photography buddy after all before long. he already likes to take pictures... and I feel he has the eye for the art...

Little Noah is just my heart also... if I should ever get to the point where I feel that no one loves or cares for me all I would need is for Noah to see me. Yesterday when he saw me he came running calling out "my PawPaw" .... This is love in it's purest form.

At the end of my day I hope they will walk the same paths with their grandkids and remember the times they had with me... not for the things I got for them, but for the times I gave them.

My children.. my hope for all the tomorrows...