My Star

In the night of death, hope sees a star,
and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing.  ~Robert Ingersoll

It’s been a good day today… a very good day and I think it’s because I had a visit last night from Dad.  I only saw his face for a second and only heard a few words, but his face and words told me he was happy.  Dad’s been gone a year and a half now and this was the first time I’ve ever dreamed about him.  My whole outlook as been better today… isn’t it something how a few seconds of a dream can make you feel good.  Maybe it was the ‘rustle of a wing’ knowing that I really needed something and I can’t think of a better gift than that short visit.  

Gage

The note about said it all… Melissa (my daughter) posted this picture this afternoon on her Facebook page. She brings the boys to me each morning and I take them to school for her.. She came in this morning tell me how Gage and Noah had gotten up and gotten dressed and that Gage had fixed Noah’s and his lunch box. She didn’t tell me about the note… LOL… This is what Melissa wrote this afternoon, “I opened his lunchbox to see what he packed for him. This is the note that I found on top that he wrote to Noah. ❤”

This little simple note to Gage wrote to his younger brother means more to me than all the money in the world. My Grandkids and Kids are my world…

My Little Web

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. ~Robert Heinlein

I’m not sure what has happened, but I’m finding it much harder to write now days. I think about and want to; I just can’t sit at the keyboard.


Today after lunch I went out back to be with the grandkids… Gage and Noah were running around like always and little McKenna trying her best to keep up with them and today Charlie joined in the race. I was sitting there watching them and I could see little Trent in his walker… I came in to get him and his little face lit up like the sun. He and I sat and watch the others running around and every time McKenna would get close he would just smile. He loves his big sister.



Watching the kids run today made me so happy. I don’t think there’s anyway I could describe the feeling... it was just that a feeling… watching the little ones that only a few months ago couldn’t do anything on their own are now beginning to venture out… it very so slow, but they are doing it…


The quote is so true… my happiness is when my girls and my grandbabies are happy. The picture of the web… we are family… we are woven together like this web…

There has to be more...

If you truly love Nature, you will find beauty everywhere.
~Vincent Van Gogh

For 3 years now I’ve been sharing my sunrises with friends on Facebook. A lot of them have no idea who I am. There are times I’m not even sure myself. I told myself that I wasn’t going to let myself get upset like I have allowed myself to do this weekend, but sometimes it’s a lot easier said than done.


Most people would be surprised to know that I started showing the sunrise because I was hurt and I needed a way to express myself and from that it kinda grew into a daily following for my friends and I’m very thankful for each one of them.


Looking at the picture one can see so many colors and feel the power of the storm. On the other hand there are things missing from the picture that no one would ever know about. Yes, I look through the lens each morning and try to compose my shots, moving from place to place, but if it wasn’t for my friends what good would it be…. You’ll are the ones that care that look forward to my sunrise post … or at least I hope you do. It makes me feel like I’m doing something. What good is something if you can’t share it.


I enjoy the sunrise each and every one of them… each one is special… but there has to be more…

The Dance

"Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance”

~ Garth Brooks - The Dance

I talked to Lauren, saw Mary, and had lunch with Melissa today. There’s no way I could have ever dreamed 35 years ago I would have 3 little girls and now 5 grandbabies. Times slips away like the water did through our hands on that beach so many years ago… I will always be thankful for what the dance gave me.

Rainy Day

Reality bites... and doesn't let go.
~Author Unknown

It’s been one of those days; it has rained almost all day. Days like this give me too much time to think. The house is way to quiet and the ghosts begin to come out. Ghost of the future haunt me… mocking me… what may be, what could be, what never will be. They tell me that this as good as it gets… look around… listen… what do you hear and that’s the problem… I hear the “nothing” and that is a terrible sound. No matter how hard I try to block things, there’s always that small crack in with the ghost can get in and make me look at where I am. Where am I one may ask… at times I’m on the open sea with waves throwing me around and I have no control where I will end up… other times it’s as if I’m on the beach, I can see the surf, but there’s no sound, I can see the water, but I can’t feel it… it’s like being in a crowd, yet you’re all alone.

I've found the Dx

“Over time, loneliness gets inside you and doesn't go away.”

~ Carlos Ruiz Zafón

I think there comes a time when you reach that point of no return… I think it is called the “event horizon” in black holes. It’s at this point there’s no escape, you are pulled in and nothing ever comes out again. I really didn’t know just how close I was to my “event horizon”. I had gotten where I would get upset at the grandkids over nothing. That’s not me… that’s not the person I want to be.

 Last weekend, June 30, I asked my oldest daughter if she and the grand boys would like to go out to eat and spend the day. As it turned Lauren and little Charlie went also. We spent the whole day together. McKenna and Charlie played so hard in the little people section and Gage and Noah got to play with the big things. Ever now and then Noah would check on me and the little ones…


When I finally got home that night I was so tired, but yet I felt better than I had in a long time. Then yesterday Mary had McKenna’s second birthday party. Again I was with the grandkids and the girls and again I felt alive again. Five little hearts just wanting my attention and 3 very precious daughters will to put up with me.

 Loneness doesn’t just happen over night… it easies it way into our lives and before long we really have no life. We become bitter and worse of all we hurt the very ones we love the most. It may be a battle, but at least I know what I’m fighting now and knowing that helps.

Just a simple "Hi There"

Today was one of those days where I would just like to get my hands around someone’s neck and squeeze until they turned blue. Then out of no where I check my Facebook and there’s a message. Just a friendly note checking to see how I was doing, but that simple ‘HI THERE’ changed my whole afternoon.


 Never, never under estimate what a simple kind word can do and mean to a person. Never miss a chance to be that friend or better yet that stranger that brightens another’s person’s day and all it may take is a smile or in my case “Hi there”.

What good are DREAMS?

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.  ~ Oscar Wilde  

There are some day’s that I feel so alive and I feel like ‘hey my dreaming is about to pay off’ then I have a crash and burn.  I hate this feeling… I am beginning to hate the fact that I even dream anymore.  The truth of the matter is dreaming helps make it through the day and dreaming is what makes sleep possible.  Dreaming about a tomorrow that deep down I know doesn’t exist yet a part of me gets excited when there’s possibility… stupid me.  What is my faith? Is it all ready written on the wall and I’m just to dump to see it or to stupid to read it or is it that I have read it and refuse to believe it… just hoping that by some chance I’m misreading it.   I’m not sure what to think and I sure don’t know believe anymore.  Should I give up - should I continue…

Justified?

Palm Sunday
April 01, 2012
When personal judgment is inoperative (or forbidden), men's first concern is not how to choose, but how to justify their choice.  Ayn Rand

People can always find a way justify their actions… at least in their own minds. Today is Palm Sunday… Jesus rode into Jerusalem guilty of nothing yet the ‘church’ said he was a criminal… how did they, the people, justify their actions? They believed what someone told them and only had half the facts and a lot of the untruths... and they put Him in prison, beat Him and put Him to death… all because they believed what they were told by others. Jesus was vindicated … His accusers, well I’m pretty sure they were tired in a much higher court and the punishment was severe.


When one goes looking to justify their actions, I’m sure they can find a reason to justify them, if on in their minds, but at what cost? Where does it end… does it matter how many may get hurt…


Just be careful before you pass judgment on someone… Just remember Jesus rode into Jerusalem on Sunday, innocent, and on Friday was nailed to a cross. I may be wrong, but I think the people that called for His death may have learned something that I believe with all my heart… what goes around comes around.

March 22-- A day I'll never forget

When someone you love becomes a memory,
the memory becomes a treasure.

~Author Unknown

How do I start, where do I start… One year ago today, March 22, 2011, I got up and came to work. It was just another Tuesday… just another day. Two days prior I had just talked to Mom and asked about Dad. Never in my wildest dream did I expect to get the call I got a year ago this afternoon. I guess it was about 5:45 – 6 pm Mom called me and I knew something was bad wrong when I answered the phone and Mom said “Will” … then she told me that she had come home and found Dad had passed away. I just went num… I felt nothing… I just walked around the house like a caged animal, unable to sit, unable to think… I guess it was a state of shock. My first thought was Lauren, she had just gotten out of the hospital from having problems caring Charlie and I was so afraid this news would cause her problems. I called Ginger and told her and told her of my concerns and she told me that she would go over and be with her and tell her… after that I called my closest friend, Chip, and told him and within 5 minutes he was over at my house to be with me.

 When I left home that Tuesday morning never did I think anything like this, but I guess that’s life. We know that things like this happen, but we never think it’s going to happen to us. One year has gone by and I call Mom twice a day… it’s so easy to take thing for granted and to think tomorrow is a given, when in fact we have no promise of the next second or the next word so to speak.

 I love going home to see Mom and spend time with her… I don’t see how she stands it. When I walk in and see Dad’s empty chair and know it’s always going to be empty my heart still breaks. Oh I hide it from Mom… I walk around outside a lot, alone. It’s has been hard, but I think it would have been harder on me if Dad had been bed ridden and in constant pain. I think of this and in a strange way it makes me feel better—well somewhat—or at least this is what I tell myself.

  Life is strange isn’t it… I can still remember things we did when I was just a little boy and he was in his prime and yet there’s things I can’t remember about yesterday. Then there’s that strange encounter we have just every now and again… maybe it’s Dad’s way of letting me know it’s all ok.. Monday night this week I had my first dream about him… he was back to the Dad I remember from years ago… strong and walking tall… not the Dad the last year of his life… frail and hardly able to get around.

  How will my end come??? I don’t know… a part of me would like for it to be like Dad… just lay down to take a nap and then there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to be alone yet I don’t want to see my girls and grandkids hurting over the fact that my time is over. I’m glad this is something I don’t have to decide.


This is for you Dad… Love ya… One Sweet Day

Dreams Gone?

A man is not old until regrets

take the place of dreams.

~John Barrymore

Today I had to visit our EPIC team to ask them to post some charges in the test hospital for a report I’m writing. Most of the people I know and have worked with for years and then there are the new people or should I say the younger employees. The whole time I was there it was Mr. Lee. I guess it’s true I’ve become one of the old employees. The ones I used to think were old when I started 36 years ago. I know how they meant it out of respect and for that I’m very grateful, but at the same time I had to take a step back and take a look at myself… and yes I guess it’s true, I am one of the older ones now. For most of them this will be there first computer upgrade, for me it will more than likely be my last. Our last big upgrade was 15 years ago and I really hope 15 years from now I’ll be retired, but at the same time I think about all the new things they will get to work on and be apart of just as I have over the years. Then I think just what do I have left to offer? As for as work I think I still have somewhat of a sharp mind to figure out the code for reports and how best to display the data, but there a part of me that just feels so empty, like there’s nothing left to give… like the dream is gone. I don’t want regrets to take over my life, but when the dreams are gone what’s left? Where do you turn, what do you do? Maybe I have become old… maybe old before my time, but there’s still a couple of dreams I like to dream about so just maybe I can hold the regrets off just a little longer.. God I hope so.

Harsh Facts

There is a fine line between dreams and reality; it's up to you to draw it. ~B. Quilliam

Making my dreams come to reality is just that a DREAM. I guess it’s time I wake up and realize the cold facts. I’ll never be the artist I dreamed of becoming. These past few weeks this fact has really been on my mind.

Do I draw the line here and just forget it all? I just don’t know… I hate giving up, but I’m just at the point were nothing seems to work… maybe I’ve been fooling myself all this time… what I see and like it’s seems pretty apparent no one else does.

Fear...

"The Weeping Sunrise"

"People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams." ~ Norman Cousins

 Oh the dreams I have, but my fears have built such a barrier around me I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over or around the wall.

There have been times I’ve tried to stop the dreaming and just go from day to day and not think about the tomorrows and what ifs. Just when I’m about ready to stop believing in my dream, there comes this little “HI”… is it the voice of hope or is it doom bidding me to give up on my dreams. To be truthful, I’m not sure.

How do I break this chain of fear so I reach out and take what I want or at least try? Oh, there’s so many that will say just do it… well to you I say, you have never walked in my shoes… if it were that easy I think I would have do it by now.


Guess I’ll just have to live in my little dream world and keep listening for that little “HI” every now and again. Who knows maybe it’s not doom, maybe it is "better days ahead" giving me a heads up.

Don't take this the wrong way.. I've very blessed... but there's things I want to be a part of that are just out of reach I feel. 

56th Trip

What greater blessing to give thanks for at a family gathering than the family and the gathering. ~Robert Brault


Yesterday marked my 56th trip around the sun. My trip this past year we went through some very sad and hard times, but we did it together. I learned a lot about my girls, just how strong they were, how one of them doesn’t hurt without the other two hurting just as bad, how if you say something about one of them you had better be ready to fight all 3 of them. What I saw was LOVE at that had no end.

Yes, yesterday was my 56th birthday… I look back as ask myself just were did the years go and how did they go so fast… I look around and I see 3 beautiful young ladies sitting at the table with me having lunch.. and I just have to smile at just how lucky I am.. to my left my oldest grandson, to my right my baby girl and my soon to be 5th grandson.. at the end of the table my only little Princess granddaughter and my youngest grandson, who just smiles at Paw Paw now… going on around my middle little girl.. the feisty one… you say something about one of her sisters and you had better get ready for an all out fight.. LOL.. and then there my oldest baby… it was only through the help of God we raised her… take about not having a clue how to take care of a baby.. we didn’t have no one clue when she was born. We did and she turned out just great. When here sisters were born 8 and 10 years later she kinda became their little Mom… where ever she went her little sisters were always in toe with her. My number 2 little man was missing yesterday… Noah was in school… but he is very special to PawPaw also…

Last night the kids had a birthday cake for me… and all the grandkids were there… It was so much fun to get on the floor and play with the kids… To hear little Charlie laugh now just makes me feel so good. Born 6 weeks early and just over 5 lbs he was so small and seeing him in the Nursery ICU, I was so afraid. Now he 20 something pounds and is trying to crawl and other than his Mom the other girl in his life is McKenna. She loves little Charlie and it’s so funny to watch her trying to take care of him.. Charlie is bigger than she is and she’s a year older… I’m just so happy that all my kids are here together and the cousins can grow up together.


The girls tell me that I’m a good Daddy.. I hope I have and am… As I said in the pass I had great teachers.. but at being a parent and now at being a Paw Paw. The time I invest today will become gold tomorrow.. I know this for a fact... My gold stash is running over from the memories I have of being a little boy and the things I did with my grandparents and Mom and Dad.


To say I had a good birthday yesterday would be an understatement… IT WAS A GREAT DAY…

Dreams Again

The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone. ~George Elliot

For some reason, I’m finding it harder and harder to sit down write. The grandkids journal in which I tried to write in every couple of days… I just can’t do it. Just not sure what the problem is, but I hope I can find it and correct it soon.

 I had another one of those dreams where I was with old friend’s night before last (Jan 17). I was with people that I knew, but at the same time I didn’t really know them. What made the dream was the laughter and talking. Sure we laugh and talk at work, but this was so different. To say the least I was upset when I awoke and realized it had just been a dream.


 Do I believe in dreams? No. I believe future is we make it and there’s no way that a dream or any person can tell me what my life is going to be tomorrow or 100 tomorrows from now. I think our future is determined by what we do this second not by the stars.


I just had to write this… I wanted to save a good memory only if it was a dream. Maybe this was the Angels coming to visit me and I just didn’t know it at the time. Whatever… I enjoyed the laugher and company and you’ll are welcome to come visit again.