Memory Road

Dang it... I'm beginning to feel the same way I did a month or so back.  I'm just not wanting to do anything again... Going to the gym made me feel so good and alive for awhile, but now I just go just to have something to do.  I was coming home feeling so good and wanting to go out and work around in the yard... but the past few days is just like the old days.  

The old road I shot here holds a lot of memories for me and maybe I just haven't gotten it all out... maybe I'll never get it all out.  I've made many tracks in and down this hill with my Grandparents, Mom, Dad, and now with my grandkids.  Maybe there's just something hanging on that I just can't let go of... maybe there's still pain that I haven't felt yet. I know this sound so crazy, but I just don't know how to put it... I don't like the way I feel and I just don't know what to do about it.   I guess we all deal with out hurt and pain in different ways and it's up to each of us to figure out how to work through it.  Same day the sun is going to shine again, the birds will sing... someday.... someday..

Dark Days

The morning sky of March 22, 2011 was dark, but never did I think my skies would turn as dark as they did that day.

At an early age we begin to learn that people we love are here with us for only so long, but knowing that and then living it is altogether something different.

On the afternoon of March 22, 2011, my world shattered into a billions of little bits.. my Dad whom I've had for 55 years left this Earth to join the legions that had gone on before him.  

There's just no way you can prepare for even thro you think you can... death comes a shadow and little by little it slips up on us and then it over takes the ones we love... it may take our love one, but be darn if death can take the memories we have... so in essences you didn't win the war death... you just won one battle.  "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? ~ 1 Corinthians 15:55 " ... Yes death you took the body... but the soul lives on... it lives in ME and until that day... so shall my Dad live on.  Yes you hurt us, but time will heal us and again we shall smile as Dad now smile on us from a place just the other side of the sunrise....

Yes death you did win the battle... but the war is for from over... we all will fall to you, but win the war... you never will as long as we have love ones that remember us... so you smile now while we are in the dark of our hurt... but you just remember no matter how dark the night... MORNING will come.... and with it comes a new day of hope and love.... LOVE is one thing that not even you death can take from us...

We will smile and laugh again and always carry you in our HEARTS Dad... ALWAYS.....

The Old Doorknob...

I got to shoot a wedding last weekend in an old church... from what I could tell from the records I saw it was built somewhere around 1856 and 1860... no matter it's still old.. and it was so pretty.. very small oh.  Well I didn't know my way around the building so I went through one door only to find this old doorknob... to most it would have been just that an old doorknob, but I saw something it... and it was only today that I found out what this was all about.  I did download the picture and stored it for use in my blog at some point in time, but it became clear to me today that this was the right time.


I started this blog for no other reason than to just to put my feeling on paper so to say... a way to try and make sense of things going on with me that I had little control over, but had a way of shattering my very being.  Well today I found out there was a bigger reason for my scribbling than just to help 'ME'.  Today I got a note from someone telling me that they had been following my blog and for the first time they felt like it was ok maybe let your guard down, to have a melt down, and also to want things for yourself.  This note really touched me... for someone to take time to write meant a lot. 


I see the old doorknob now as it was meant to be seen... as a way to our future...we have to turn the old knob to the past and open the door to the future, but we have to turn it and open that door... no one else can do it for us no matter how much they would like. 


The future... my future... what does it hold... or better yet who hold it? I'm afraid I feel like I'm in a dark abyss at times not knowing which way is up or down or left or right.  Walking aimlessly and getting no where, but now I don't feel so alone for I know now that there's others that feel the same... again I go back to what I said about the old doorknob... we have to turn it and open the door to let the light in. 


I have seen the other side of the door through others and the other side looks good.  (Now I'm NOT talking about "The Other Side") ... haha .. I'm talking about the other side of this door we keep closed and sometimes locked in our heart... someday... someday...


To the person that sent me the note... Thank You for taking the time to let me know I'm not crazy... nor am I along with my feeling.  Thank you so much.

Clouded Dreams

Sunday morning and it looks so bad outside again today.. Yesterday it rained and I really wasn't able to get out and it made for one more long and boring day.  I did sit down yesterday and put together my first photo book... My Coast, My Home. It was my first attempt and I think my next one will be better now that I kinda know how the software works.  The only thing is the darn things are kinda high.  I wish I could get a few of them for some very special people that that has always believed in me and my dream...

I joined the gym via the hospital and it has really made me feel better in a lot of ways --- yet... there's a part that that kepts asking quetions and keeps me asking 'when will it be my turn".  There's times I feel as thro I'm just a place holder or maybe a safe haven.  In my heart of hearts I feel that this is just an over sight that I'm not really being excluded on purpose, but what ever ... it still kinda makes me feel bad.  I also want to know that I'm needed. 

 I keep dreaming, but there's always a naysayer that shakes me from my slumber and so goes my hopes and dreams... I feel that someday that the clouds are going to part and the light is going to shine through... when just when...   

Spring where are you?? I need to get out of this house before I go over the edge and lose my mind for sure... hahaha... I know some people that would say it's to late-- I've already lost it... haha  

My Little Drop of Water (My World)

We say good-bye to February today... I had my 55th birthday this month... and I'm hoping to have a few more... and I lost a few Great Aunts and Uncles this past month.  Like drop of rain in the picture our time here on Earth is short, but like this little drop of water, it's the beauty within us that will go on.  Enough of that...

The kids were over yesterday for lunch and at one time all 3 of the girls were standing together and to look at them and see where they are today just made me feel good.  My girls so are special to me and the grandkids -- well that goes without saying.  My little world, my little drop of water... just gets bigger and bigger...

Lauren goes back to the Dr today... she tells me that she can feel little Charlie moving now... I'm going to have 3 grandsons.. after having 3 little girls of my own.. and this means that McKenna will still be only the Little Princess and that she is.

Well I've got to get up and get moving.... it's Monday and I'm not moving real fast...what can I say...

Distorted Views

Feb 20, 2011 -- Sunday

Distorted views-- Look at this dew drop I shot this morning... the image you see is distorted and it's also upside down. How many of our lifes are like this dew drop? We live only in our little dewdrop and we can't see the outside world... sometimes it's by choice other times it's simply because we feel safe in our little drop of water and we're afraid to look at the world around us other than through our distored view... I'm so guilty of this... inside my little drop of water I'm safe and I feel I can't be hurt and I can't hurt anyone. My question is this... is this really living or is this just one day hoping for another? I'm reminded of another fact - as soon as the sun comes out the dewdrop will soon be gone... do I want I want this... to wake up one morning and realize that the sun is getting high in the sky and soon my little sanctuary and me aren't long for here? We never know which sunrise will be the last one we'll see... Somehow we need to break out of of our little safe haven and try to move forward... make more of our world than this small little drop of water.
My question is HOW?

Feb 14, 2011

Feb 14, "The Day of Love..." Love comes in many forms I guess one can say... There's the love of money, of which I would love to have a little... haha... there's the love of lovers, and the list could go on and on.  I guess at this point in my life I would have to say my kids and grandkids are the love of my life.  Then there's my what I call my art... other's may call it a waste of good time, but to me there's something more than just going out and shooting pictures of the sunrise/sunset or the landscapes. To me it's a rare love affair... when I pick my cameras up and go out to shoot I'm happy and it gives me something to look forward to… something to search for. I'm not sure how my work is looked at, but there's more to it than my just walking out on the beach or out on the pier and shooting.  I try to put emotion in my work... I want the person looking at to feel the warmth of the morning sun, hear the cries of the gulls.  Do I do it??... I don't know how others feel, but I feel something special each time I see a sunrise... I'm seeing something no one has ever seen or will ever see again and it's up to me to save the moment... Ya know maybe I am crazy… I don't know... but shooting and sharing my pictures helps me with when the night comes and everything is quite... I hate the nights...the darkness, the silence, the being alone.  So it’s my mistress Photography I share my time with and share with you what she has shown me.  Call me crazy or 1000 other names… it doesn’t matter anymore for I feel like the Mad Potter of Biloxi, George Ohr that sometime my prints will be worth something... maybe only to my kids and close friends whom I’ve shared them with… but they will be of value… not ever value carries a dollar sign… some carries a memory and a love that’s gone.      

55 -- Just a Number

Sunrise -- a new day -- never seen before and never to be seen again...




Here I am this afternoon thinking about tomorrow.. I can't believe that I'll be 55 when we see the sun set tomorrow..(I was born around 7 or 8 pm.. haha). Oh I'm not complaining about it, I'm very happy that I've made it this far and for the things I have. I don't mean the things one can buy with money.. I'm talking about my children and grand children. I'm just so happy I've got to see my girls grow-up and that I've got to hold my grandbabies. So many things that I take for granted day in and day out... this morning was one of those special days.. Gage came down this morning and Paw Paw took him to school and before he got out of the truck he gave me a hug and said 'Love you Paw Paw'... That stayed with me all day.. and the most important thing about it was he did and said it because he meant it.. The love of a child... I can't think of anything that comes close to it. They love you for who you are not for who or what you can do for them. I just hope I'm around many more years for them...


There's a ridge just up the hill that I've been fighting to get over, but as of yet I keep falling back down into the valley. Each time I get to the summit I can peek over and for a very short time I see and feel happiness and then it's back down in the valley I fall. Maybe this year will be better… I'm going to try and make it better. I just don't know where I would be without my friends and it's like each day a new one comes into view. Who knows what tomorrow will bring or what turn I may take.

Just come along with me and you can watch the sunrise thru my lens each morning God lets me shoot it.

Thanks for your support … and as I tell ya..
THE BEST IS YET TO COME..

Another Weekend

It's another weekend-- well at least it's Sunday morning.  Saturday was the longest day... or maybe it was just the fact that I just didn't want to do anything... or was that it?  There was a lot I wanted to do, but I just couldn't get up and do them.  I wanted to go the the Geocaching Meeting, but I didn't go... long story ...  The kids all had things they had to do so that took them out of the loop and I understand and I'm glad they have their own lives to lead.  Next month I'll be 55 years old... and I don't think there's anyone that really understands me or how I feel.  I'm always hearing things like 'get up and go do something'-- people just don't understand it's not that easy for some of us.  Oh there's so many things I would like to do and so many little places I would like to visit... but ya know I don't ever see it happening.  I just can't do it.. Until you've walked in my shoes don't try to tell me how I should 'just do it'... if it were that easy don't you think I would have already done it???   One of my biggest fears is something happening to me and being alone.  My boss called me to his office Friday and wanted to know if I had any plans of retiring.. we're about to get a new computer system and he wanted to make sure I was going to stay around to help bring it up... this did make me feel good... but the bad thing is and what I didn't tell him was .. what the heck else do I have to look forward to... outside work I have no life.. but I did tell him that if something came up and the hospital offered me an early out -- I would have to take it... i would be a fool not to.. I just feel like I've got so many things going on in my life and at the same time nothing... I know that makes no sense at all. but yet I may to you.   I feel like every time I start to get a hold on things my hands slip and I fall... I'm starting to get tired of falling all the time... Just getting tired of so much and just wish I could make someone understand... the weight I feel I'm carring around somethings almost crushes me... and I don't know why I carry it.... I just don't know...

Coldness in the Dark

When I saw this through the glass this morning I knew I had to capture the image.  I know to most it isn't much, but I saw something there.  The darkness, the cold, the limbs reaching out into to blackness.. I saw myself and I saw me being emotionally dead.

When does one say ENOUGH and then walks away? When does one stop fighting and just surrender?  When is it time to burry the dead and let the living carry on with the task at hand?  When? When indeed...

Last night I dreamed for the first time in many nights.  The dream woke me and there was something about it that I really wanted to remember... something to do with family or friends and I was so excited and happy, but when I got up this morning all memory of it was gone.   All I could do is remember I had a dream and there was something good in it, but like so much of me today I couldn't really recall it...
The years go by one by one they slip through our fingers... only to become memories and as time goes by the memories begin to fade and we forget things and before we know it our heart as become as stone... hard and cold.   Yes we are alive, but there's a big difference in being alive and living.